This... I don't even know what this is. It's a really ridiculous sort of fic that has all sorts of jokes about Feld0 and the mods. I've only got the first chapter for my own amusement.
I blame Feld0, my insane mind, and the other mods for its creation.
Yes, the first chapter isn't much about his adventures yet. But if I write more, it will totally get into that.
Chapter 1: The Pledge of Feldllegiance
MLP Forums was a truly magical place. It was a bustling metropolis of many buildings, each of a different and equally vivid colour. These buildings sprawled for miles and smiles, tall skyscrapers screaming to touch the heavens. With many tiny thatched cottages gathered around their bases, each of them lit up beautifully at the quiet buzzing of the dark night. The members of this truly large community hustled and bustled even in these late hours, though in quiet whispers as they left their cottages to go about business in the various discussion forums held within the tall buildings.
A grin came across a shadowy figure who watched these denizens of his vision from the topmost floor of the unseen Star Swirl Memorial Tower. He had often had little time to partake in their actual activities, but enjoyed nonetheless to watch his community grow and blossom with more and more members.
The grand alicorn Feld0 decided that he had had enough for the night, and stretched his wings gallantly as he let forth a mighty yawn of administrative levels. Using his magic-powered cameras to view the last of the discussions that had been going on weakly within the small and paperwork-filled Canterlot Castle, he briefly used his magic to teleport to one of the members and administer a swift brohoof, for the great god had been satisfied with their behavior. Every now and then, he had to reward his subjects, after all.
Yep, it was truly a great da-
"Excuse me, your Feldedness..." He perked his ears and became alert as he heard a voice which had reminded him for some reason of the state of being hairless. It was a voice that was so suave and debonair that Feld0 was secretly jealous of his cohort Zoop, a tall bald earth pony stallion who had often inspired both fear and awe in his members. The super moderator trotted into the room slowly, wearing a long green cape around his neck.
"What is it, Zoop?" Asked Feld0.
"The Council is ready. There is an urgent matter that we all need to discuss at the office."
"Is it about my scones, Zoop? Because I told you and the other members explicitly that my scones must be covered in some sort of Nintendo memorabilia." Preferably something Yoshi-related, the alicorn thought to himself within his mind. Why were these moderators so incompetant at giving him his scones the way he enjoyed them?! Especially Swoop, that pony was so very incompitant with this task.
"Erm... no. But we're working on that. Nico has said that he has discovered a way to vector things onto desserts."
"Excellent. Nico is awarded 60 Feldian Points." It was a system that Feld0 had been perfecting and constantly thinking within his genius and superior godly mind. Feldian Points was to be a type of currency that he would incorporate into his entire Feldian Empire, including the forums, which was just one such metropolis of it.
"Anyway... what's the problem?"
"There has been a rather large invasion of troll ponies at the forums. One of them devoured my hair... at least, what I once had left of it. They went rather rabid even as I brandished my banhammer. T'was a shame. We need your intervention, O' Great One."
"I did notice that you seemed balder than usual, Zoop. Anyway, lead the way."
The great bald pony only grumbled in frustration as he wiped his hairless brow with his hoof and trotted out of Feld0's large and ominous room that he never had the sense to turn on a light in for some reason. Of course, Feld0 wasn't paying attention to any of this. His entire mind was completely focused on new genius ideas he could incorporate onto his empire. What if there was a Free Cupcake Forum? No, that was too silly. Besides, everypony would just associate it with that ridiculously gory fanfic anyway.
Feld0 and Zoop boarded the elevator of the tower, where they stood side-by-side awkwardly in silence as musak played. The usually exciting tune of Friendship is Magic's theme song was turned into boring elevator music for some inane reason by an insane brony, and Feld0 just had to use it for his MLP Forums' Staff Elevator.
Ding. "Um. You've reached the office. So... if you could please get off... but you don't have to if you don't want to..." The typical light voice of a timid pegasus mare echoed through the vicinity as both modponies disembarked from the elevator.
Their eyes were immediately presented by an absolutely massive office plastered in posts of Yoshi and various other Nintendo memorabilia. It was populated by large cubicles that were spaced several distances apart. This room Feld0 had created for the lower moderators, which he had identified by making the Art Pony Nico paint the walls purple.
He, Zoop, and Swoop had their own private offices. Though Feld0 of course had the Blue Admin Panel, which was the one where he had surveyed all of the members as much as his omniscient eyes could. The other two, who were merely demi-gods as opposed to being full gods like Feld0 himself, merely had limited Green Admin Panels. He often wondered how these almost mortals lived without such great power, but had respected his team all the same. They had kept the forums safe whilst he went on his infamous and fearsome adventures across the empire.
The two ponies walked past the cubicles, which were empty of their inhabitants. They continued to walk in silence, each immersed in his own thoughts, ignoring the small growing pile of folders on a small tray labeled "Reports."
Then they reached a door, which Zoop kicked open in a badass fashion with a hoof whilst making a loud "ZOOP!" noise. Nopony reacted. They were all used to Zoop's dramatics.
"Why, hello there, Zoop, Feld0," The first to regard them was the only pony awake at the moment, and the only mare a room populated by stallions. Feld0 wasn't one for promoting mares into the great semi-god position of normal moderator usually. Despite them all being ponies and liking a show with mostly female characters, mares were an extreme rarity at MLP Forums. He presumed it was because of his invisible MAN SHIELD that he had refused to take down. Why? Because he said so. There was no need to question the great Feld0's decisions.
"Ah, Miss Dawnsborough." Zoop bent down to kiss her hoof, to which she reacted by slapping him.
Ignoring their antics, Feld0 scanned the area with his godly eyes, and noticed that the other ponies were splayed across the large conference table fast asleep. This included a rather lunar-looking pegasus with a dark green cape, who was cuddling with a small lemon plushie as he slept. Swoop, the other super mod, was asleep.
"Ahem." The alicorn stomped his hoof lightly in an attempt to wake up some of these ponies. Only one was roused, and that was a white pegasus with an epic-looking fedora who had previously been drooling all over the table.
"What's the status of the troll ponies, Klopp?" Feld0 asked him, his voice tinged with authority at this deeply serious matter.
"They've infiltrated the Cloudsdale Colosseum, because somepony just had to leave her post to stop and have a donut."
"Hey! They were good donuts and it was all Nico's fault! He's the one who wanted to vector them for the next layout!" Arylett answered vehemently, stomping her hoof onto the conference table.
"If I may interject, I agree most heavily on the matter that everything is due to Nico. He is the one who has caused our troubles as he opened the cage of the troll ponies and let them loose into the forums."
"Is that so?" mused Feld0 feldishly. "In that case, I take back Nico's Feldian Points! Nico, be more careful next time and stick to your art, you art monkey."
A boring-looking earth pony let out a particularly loud snore as Zoop threw a can of coffee at his head. He suddenly Nicojumped awake and started at them all, rubbing his head with his hoof.
"Hey, what was that for?!"
"Nico, are you aware that you are at fault for this invasion of troll ponies?" Feld0 asked the lowly Art Stallion quite seriously.
"What?! That wasn't me! That was Jonk-"
"Yes, your Eminence..." Nico grumbled angrily to himself as he stared down at the ground in a rather cat-like fashion for some nonsensical reason, making Feld0 want to blame him for more wrongs. But the alicorn resisted his urges.
"What are we going to do about this, mod ponies? Most of us are asleep, and everypony is shouting into the chaos: 'Mods are asleep, post ponies!' How dare we allow them to post ponies on a pony forum?! This must be stopped," snarled Feld0 indignantly and still rather feldishly.
"We'll... deal with that problem all in good time, sir. First, the trollponies. Remember?" Zoop suggested helpfully.
"Of course I remember. I know all. I AM the Feldian Empire."
"Yes, yes... we all know this from the Pledge of Feldllegiance which you make us recite every single damn day."
"Pledge of Feldllegiance... that's it! Glorious idea, Zoop." Feld0 closed his eyes and focused as his powerful horn glowed. His thoughts focusing only on the Pledge of Feldllegiance Multi-Mod Spell. He felt an automatic sensation take control of his powerful alicorn body temporarily, as he shouted loudly:
"MODPONIES! PLEDGE OF FELDLLEGIANCE!"
All of a sudden, every single mod pony jolted with awakeness and immediately recited the pledge in unison.
"I pledge allegiance to the Nicobanners of the Feldian Empire, and to the great Feld0, for which it stands. One forum, under Feld0, undefeatable, with cupcakes and muffins for all."
"Good, good... my minions are all awake." Feld0 grinned at how well this trick had worked, as his entire team was assembled before him. "Now, my moderators, in the entire time it took to do that... I have come up with a solution to the invasion. Gentlecolts... and Arylett... if you will pull out your Special Modding Sunglasses and various weapons."
Suddenly, a large grin spread across every moderator at the table. They knew it was time for the Modding Massacre. Zoop in particularly had a smile from ear to ear, which looked particularly vicious and blood-thirsty. He was, after all, the most violent of them. Feld0 watched carefully as his team assembled their weapons and all put on their sunglasses. He used his magic to teleport his sleek and massive lunar cannon into the proceedings, and then very slowly and dramatically slipped the sunglasses onto his face.
"Let's do this."
They all marched out of the tower, their weapons at the ready.
Edited by Arylett Dawnsborough, 12 April 2012 - 07:24 PM.