Lemon Slices 358 April 21, 2015 Share April 21, 2015 Hello, Lemon Slices there. I see that lots of writers need help with their projects. I like writing, and I know where something is wrong. I can offer free beta-reading services for who is really needing. I'll make a critique of each of the chapters, including: >Bad used words (talking about words that reduce the value of your text) >If you failed at writing a character's behavior >Low description (actions, places, characters...) >And much more. Ah, and thanks for all! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benny 3 July 22, 2015 Share July 22, 2015 I'm happy to enlist your help. But the only thing I can offer is a summary of the entire story. I have no concrete chapters except one. And I'd need to do this somewhere that won't make me refresh 20 times before I can finish a single comment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lemon Slices 358 July 27, 2015 Author Share July 27, 2015 I'm happy to enlist your help. But the only thing I can offer is a summary of the entire story. I have no concrete chapters except one. And I'd need to do this somewhere that won't make me refresh 20 times before I can finish a single comment. *Thumbs up* Then let's do it. What do we have here? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benny 3 July 29, 2015 Share July 29, 2015 Ok, so first things first, Chrysalshy. Second, this takes place after the comics. So Chrysalis gets out of her castle after finding an evil spell-book. Next, she lures the ponies to an enclosed space to trap them, but ends up in a deadweight situation where she's too weak to keep her strength up after she transformed into a pony. now she decides to get them to a better area, like Canterlot, to fight them, and succeeds in locking up Twilight. But once chrysalis goes to finish her job, the cell door locks behind her and she gets overthrown by an imposter of herself, who subsequently removes her ability to change back. Blah, blah, blah, the ponies go through trial and tribulation to finally learn the truth, and now Chrysalis admits her defeat after killing Celestia, who also released her control over her sun, thus making it a supernova. Chrysalis goes through a really deep and mournful monologue in where she confesses her errors and love for Fluttershy, only for her to reveal her intentions for survival: she will go back in time to before the Changelings existed and stop Star Swirl from ever releasing them, thus ending the Changeling race. But time catches up with everything, so Fluttershy is in tears, but Chrysalis lived on, as her pony. (Maybe this for a sequel, or end it happily, idk) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Minos 40 July 31, 2015 Share July 31, 2015 Would you like to help with editing large (128k words) translation of the TES/MLP crossover? I wrote it long time ago, but wasn't able to find somebody who could help with translation, and moving it to the fimfiction. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lemon Slices 358 August 5, 2015 Author Share August 5, 2015 (edited) Ok, so first things first, Chrysalshy. Second, this takes place after the comics. So Chrysalis gets out of her castle after finding an evil spell-book. Next, she lures the ponies to an enclosed space to trap them, but ends up in a deadweight situation where she's too weak to keep her strength up after she transformed into a pony. now she decides to get them to a better area, like Canterlot, to fight them, and succeeds in locking up Twilight. But once chrysalis goes to finish her job, the cell door locks behind her and she gets overthrown by an imposter of herself, who subsequently removes her ability to change back. Blah, blah, blah, the ponies go through trial and tribulation to finally learn the truth, and now Chrysalis admits her defeat after killing Celestia, who also released her control over her sun, thus making it a supernova. Chrysalis goes through a really deep and mournful monologue in where she confesses her errors and love for Fluttershy, only for her to reveal her intentions for survival: she will go back in time to before the Changelings existed and stop Star Swirl from ever releasing them, thus ending the Changeling race. But time catches up with everything, so Fluttershy is in tears, but Chrysalis lived on, as her pony. (Maybe this for a sequel, or end it happily, idk) Sorry for the delay. I am really sorry, believe me. I picked some parts of your plots. The word that describes my feeling for some parts of it is written in the colored text. Have fun! (Heavy)Well, everything was going fine. But... Killing Celestia... This is too heavy. I am not saying that death in the fic wouldn't add nothing, but Celestia itself is a... how can I say... An essential character. You could write like if Chrysalis sent her away from Equestria and weaken her, to... At least give a hope to the readers, maybe. This is not a protest. I just think her removal would make the story vague, but still far from pointless. (Cool)But the supernova thing would make something great. It's action . And the remaining scenario would be a something nice to imagine . I think you agree with me, don't you? Like the galaxies viewed in time-lapses in the night. (Overpowered)And the going back to the time... I discussed against myself... But I didn't like it, personally. It sounded like Deus Ex-Machina. I mean, if you are really interested in that kind of pre-ending, you'll probably get much critique. (Very Interestingly Awesome)But the final final final final ending was beautiful . I am saying, you must put this in the fic (not in the sequel, put in the first.), because this is the ending that catches hearts . HOWEVER, I am a beta-reader, I read things and usually say my opinion starting from the fic itself, written. I'd like to contact you for what you're writing, of course, if you allow it. Would you like to help with editing large (128k words) translation of the TES/MLP crossover? I wrote it long time ago, but wasn't able to find somebody who could help with translation, and moving it to the fimfiction. Oh my god, man. 128k words? i'd get too scared to even opening the archive. *Kidding* I am sorry, this is too much work. My routine is too tight. Edited August 6, 2015 by Lemon Slices Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sintanan 151 August 6, 2015 Share August 6, 2015 https://mlpforums.com/topic/133593-daddy-for-a-day/ Go ahead and pick it apart. The writing style is subpar, but it was originally written as a greentext for 4chan, and the style there is to get across speech or a description in a single line of text in as small a sentence as possible. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lemon Slices 358 August 8, 2015 Author Share August 8, 2015 https://mlpforums.com/topic/133593-daddy-for-a-day/ Go ahead and pick it apart. The writing style is subpar, but it was originally written as a greentext for 4chan, and the style there is to get across speech or a description in a single line of text in as small a sentence as possible. Okay... I need to tell you something. Since you are writing Apple Bloom, you should put a bit more of an accent. This adds immersion to the story. But don't put too much, as we know it's usually AJ's speech that is saturated of it. I can't help you which parts, but she just sounded like a regular filly. ... In short, I loved this text, believe me. You really stroked my heart. If you had put an accent on Bloom, I'd probably not criticize any part of the text. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sintanan 151 August 9, 2015 Share August 9, 2015 Okay... I need to tell you something. Since you are writing Apple Bloom, you should put a bit more of an accent. This adds immersion to the story. But don't put too much, as we know it's usually AJ's speech that is saturated of it. I can't help you which parts, but she just sounded like a regular filly. ... In short, I loved this text, believe me. You really stroked my heart. If you had put an accent on Bloom, I'd probably not criticize any part of the text. Thank you for the critique, and I'm glad you enjoyed the story. However I have to disagree on the accent. In the show Apple Bloom has a real weak accent, and other than some contracted words like "gonna" and "wanna" she tends to speak without slurring anything. Uncommonly she stresses the long U and softens the long I, but these word stresses would not come across in text without making the character come across as uneducated or the text comprehension lost. Additionally, anyone who actually does speak with an accent tends to fluctuate with the strength of the accent depending on who they are talking with. I do not think I will adjust the story to accommodate a heavier accent, such as "Ah" instead of "I", as that is more the territory of Applejack and she already is doing that in the short blurb. Ultimately I think I could have used a better choice of words in the dialogue to get Apple Bloom's accent across, but I do not think any true adjustments can be made without changing the pacing in either the first act or the epilogue. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lemon Slices 358 August 10, 2015 Author Share August 10, 2015 (edited) Thank you for the critique, and I'm glad you enjoyed the story. However I have to disagree on the accent. In the show Apple Bloom has a real weak accent, and other than some contracted words like "gonna" and "wanna" she tends to speak without slurring anything. Uncommonly she stresses the long U and softens the long I, but these word stresses would not come across in text without making the character come across as uneducated or the text comprehension lost. Additionally, anyone who actually does speak with an accent tends to fluctuate with the strength of the accent depending on who they are talking with. I do not think I will adjust the story to accommodate a heavier accent, such as "Ah" instead of "I", as that is more the territory of Applejack and she already is doing that in the short blurb. Ultimately I think I could have used a better choice of words in the dialogue to get Apple Bloom's accent across, but I do not think any true adjustments can be made without changing the pacing in either the first act or the epilogue. Hmmmm... Yeah, you are right... The fault is mine, sorry. Really, her accent's too subtle to put in writing. I mean, you know, other than the abbreviations. ... I had another review of the text, and... Really, as I said, I have no other way to criticize you. *Thumbs up* Edited August 10, 2015 by Lemon Slices Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deviousnights 48 August 10, 2015 Share August 10, 2015 http://www.fimfiction.net/story/204433/fluttershy-gets-the-sharingan At least balance god with bad lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lemon Slices 358 August 11, 2015 Author Share August 11, 2015 (edited) Okay, @@Deviousnights, be ready for... ... Petards. I don't want to turn you down, keep in mind this is critique and my intentions is help you. Your first chapter's plot is very creative(in a good way) and the way you wrote the character's speeches is very immersive, but you missed some points that would be good to fix, in order to make the story have more sense. "Hey, sweetheart," said the stallion at the stand. "Why don't you just get one on the house. For your troubles." ...I'm not a grammar nazi, believe me, but that one... Is it one banana, or a dozen of them? Believe me, this entire critique is not focused in grammar, punctuation or capitalizing letters. These points you have to fix by yourself. But some words can give a double-meaning that can confuse the reader, like this case. "Well, Fluttershy, I think you have the... Sharingan?" She said questionably. She skimmed the page reading bits and pieces aloud." It is awoken in those with heritage to special families or those who have magic ability above average levels....Those who possess these eyes can see into the future, but only for a glimpse." She finished. Her eyes widened at the saying of the last few words. "It is believed to have been adapted by a alicorn known only as the Sage of the Four Races. He passed it down generically, and it eventually reached its peak when a Unicorn named Moonlit Madara was born. He succeeded in advancing the Sharingan to the next stage, the Mangekyo Sharingan. Since then only few were able to reach this peak but none as masterfully as Madara." She concluded. "I don't even think I've heard of this 'Sage of the Four Races'." She said, questioning the book's liability until she remembered getting it from Celestia. Anything from her had to be liable. ... *Facepalm* I really, didn't liked this. The forced resemblance between Naruto characters and pony new characters is digestible. But look: The readers don't need to hear this story so early! I mean, in the first chapter I already know everything about the Sharingan? Please, you need to fix this. Release just a bit of info. For example, just write that the Sharingan gives the ability to foresee stuff, and the origin of the stuff. And in the part Twilight says "It is awoken in those with heritage to special families or those who have magic ability above average levels....Those who possess these eyes can see into the future, but only for a glimpse.", you could write this bold part like if she was actually reading the book, giving more formal terms, like "Ancient textbooks said that these eyes have the uncommon ability to watch into the future, although for a brief amount of time." I know, it's boring, but makes sense. You could also add a mystery, even if most of your readers are Naruto 100% fans, like Twilight saying the book have some missing parts, or some words like "However, little is known about the origin of this notable eye condition", and let the protagonist discover all by herself later. "If you have those eyes you should be. Plus if you see what's happening in your mind, it can't be Pinkie sense, or whatever Pinkie CLAIMS to have." She said, still carrying a glimmer of doubt regarding the Pinkie sense. Sin Alert! Are Twilight still skeptic about Pinkie Sense? Look at this dialogue, which I picked from the episode. URL of the video that contains the episode: http://www.dailymotion.com/video/xsmlre_my-little-pony-friendship-is-magic-season-1-episode-15-feeling-pinkie-keen-captioned_shortfilms Give a look at 19:45: Pinkie's twitching finally stops. --Ah! That was it! That's the doozy! --What? --Twilight said, coming closer. -- What is? --YOU believing! I never expected that to happen! Change Twilight's speech. When she got home, she noticed that Angel was still KO'd. He lays there in moving, but was still breathing. She decided to leave him there once more, but not before feeding her animals that she hadn't got the chance to feed that day. Twilight was very tempted to try some experiments on her in her science room in the basement, but dismissed the though, Fluttershy's sensitivity coming into question. What? Fluttershy won't even put him in a comfortable place? Angel is on the cold ground. He could pick a cold. Flutty wouldn't do this, because that's the point that she forgives him for being a jerk. Back at the cottage Angel had awoken from his comma like trance. He looked around, looking for any sign of Fluttershy anywhere. As he noticed she wasn't there at the moment he contemplated what to do with her. He always knew she was his, as he liked to put it, 'bitch', but what she did beforehand was uncalled for, at least, that's what he thought. He knew she needed to be punished. Yes, he wouldn't be doing this for himself, but for all the animals around the world. It will be one less defective who're, he thought grinning as he planned out the deed. He hopped onto the kitchen counter, and gently pulled open the drawer. In his favor, Fluttershy was a confectioner at one point, taught by Pinkie Pie, so she had large assortment of knives. He pulled out the largest one, he smiled as he saw his reflection in the blade of the would be murder weapon. Little did he know that was the last smile he would ever make. [edited] This is a smoked paragraph. (Coughing) The bold text means "exaggeration". You used the word knew in the third line. Not being a Grammar Nazi, I am just stating that the verb To know before an opinion means that he is talking the truth. We know that is not the truth, so you should be using To think; And it doesn't matter if you are repeating the term thought, it's okay. You could also put this idea in a quotation mark in direct speech, like "She needs to be punished", he said. Just a suggestion. You also wrote "Yes, he wouldn't be doing this for himself, but for all the animals around the world". Realize that you, the narrator, is omniscient, so you can't tell something that isn't true to the reader. The narrator can't have opinions, and you just sounded again like if it had one. The italic text... It will be one less defective who're... Needs quotation marks. I became confused when reading this for the first times. That's not what you want, right? And finally, He hopped onto the kitchen counter, and gently pulled open the drawer. In his favor, Fluttershy was a confectioner at one point, taught by Pinkie Pie, so she had large assortment of knives. He pulled out the largest one., destroying logic. Fluttershy loves the animals, then she wouldn't let such a harmful object like a knife accessible for Angel so easily. Little did he know that was the last smile he would ever make. Noooooooo! That's spoiling, dude. I mean, the phrase is good, it's action-ish, but this is releasing info too early. He began to bring the knife down, slowly, his lust for her pain overtaking him as he loaned for her blood and pain. He wanted to see her squirm. NOBODY treated him like crap, NOBODY! Again, the opinion issue. ... Uffs! Critique completed! Don't worry about the things you missed, I liked the story, the idea is veeery creative! I'm sure this story is going to get good, and I'd like you continue making chapters, but just keep an eye on the tips I gave you, okay? Edited August 11, 2015 by Lemon Slices Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deviousnights 48 August 12, 2015 Share August 12, 2015 Understandable points. There's more explained in the sequel. Just look under my fimfiction profile I'd like you to try it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lemon Slices 358 August 12, 2015 Author Share August 12, 2015 (edited) Understandable points. There's more explained in the sequel. Just look under my fimfiction profile I'd like you to try it. Sequel... Could you just put the link of it? I don't want to search am too lazy busy lately. But about the Fluttershy fic, are you willing to fix it? Edited August 12, 2015 by Lemon Slices Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deviousnights 48 August 14, 2015 Share August 14, 2015 I will fix it given time. I don't see a point to be honest your the first to legitimately complain about the story. I have other things to do. It will be foxed but probably no time soon. http://www.fimfiction.net/story/204659/raritys-new-contacts-fgts-sequel Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lemon Slices 358 August 14, 2015 Author Share August 14, 2015 I will fix it given time. I don't see a point to be honest your the first to legitimately complain about the story. I have other things to do. It will be foxed but probably no time soon. http://www.fimfiction.net/story/204659/raritys-new-contacts-fgts-sequel I am not complaining, sorry. I was just... Curious, I don't know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Benny 3 August 14, 2015 Share August 14, 2015 As I’ve iterated before: I HATE this site with a passion. Simply because the message you are reading is from word. But I’d love to work with you on a different site. Do you have Fanfiction.net or FIMfiction.net account(s)? I have both, so we could work on those sites, but not here. And I appreciate the critique. I understand your message. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deviousnights 48 August 14, 2015 Share August 14, 2015 Don't take it wrong I appreciate the time you put into the critisism its just that I have a lot of things going on right now. That's why I would've liked balancing bad with good instead of making it look like a horrible story lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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