5 replies to this topic

[Anon3mous1]

So, I've had a crazy idea, what if a Brony was magically transported to Equestria - but 200 years in the future (using Fallout Equestria as canon). The idea isn't very well developed but I've got a few things:

- the human has no knowledge of the Fallout:Equestria fanfiction (it did not exist in his universe) or the Fallout game series.
- the human still has a human body
- because all of his show knowledge is historical at this point, nopony will believe his story.
- The Brony is a Marine fighting in Afghanistan (so he has combat experience).
- Yeah, I know, it's essentially a self-insert, but I'll try to keep it from going Mary Sue.


Sample (rough, rough, ROUGH draft):
Note: this is not the very start of the story and it needs work.

"-and so I said, 'chicken nuggets? Are you crazy!?'" exclaimed Jackson

The other two marines in the humvee's back seat roared with laughter. I'd missed the setup so the joke didn't really work for me. I did crack a smile though. Heh. Oatmeal.

The first humvee in the convoy exploded. Or at least the front of it did. Supersonic metal fragments pinged off our windscreen.

"IED!" someone yelled.

In the movies, this is where everything would go into slow motion. Real life was not so forgiving. Everything happened nauseatingly fast. No time to think, only react. We skidded off the road in a cloud of dust. I threw myself out of the humvee, but, blinded by the dust cloud, I missed my footing and fell on my face. Tasting dirt I rose up into a crouch, I'd managed to keep ahold of my rifle. I could hear rounds being fired, rounds impacting sand and metal. AK-47's. At this distance my armour would hold, but that didn't mean shit unless I got hit directly in the chest.

Goddamit where were they! I scanned left. There up in the cliffs.

"Ten o'clock," I yelled "up high!"

"I got more at three o'clock!" called Jackson, "looks like they're dug in."

I fired my M4 ineffectually. I wondered why the fifty wasn't firing. I looked back and was met with a sight that upon reflection is horrifying, but at the time was just numbly accepted. No time for feelings. Most of our gunner's face had been blown out from a shot to the back of the head.

"We're too exposed," yelled the Lt. "Run for the cliffs, Pearson, you go first, now, COVERFIRE!"

That was me. As my teammates covered I sprinted forward for the first piece of cover I could find. I dove into a convenient alcove in the rocks.Something wasn't right. I looked more closely and my blood ran cold. There was a wire sticking out of the ground.

"Secondaries!" I yelled, diving as far as I could back out into the street.

The explosion followed me, focused by the rock walls throwing me like a ragdoll, shrapnel tearing into my left leg. I hit the ground. Hard.

-x-

I guess I must have passed out because when I came to, it was cold and dark. Really dark. Thick cloudcover blocked both moon and stars. Where the hell was everyone? I scrabbled in the dark and was relived when I felt the familiar shape of my rifle. I switched on the barrel mounted torch and the powerful beam cut through the darkness.

This couldn't be right. I looked around and saw nothing I recognized. The humvees, even the wreckage was gone! The cliffs were all wrong. Hell even the dirt was wrong, it was soft and fine, completely unlike the coarse, sandy grit that filled my boots.

They couldn't just have left me behind! I pulled out my radio and turned it on, cycling through the different military channels... nothing. That wasn't too surprising, the range on those things is only a few miles. I put out a few calls, but I wasn't going to hold my breath.

Luckily the shrapnel wound to my leg was not that serious. As I bandaged it however I noticed something bulky under my left sleeve. It was so comfortable that I hadn't noticed it up to this point. Rolling up my sleeve revealed some kind of wrist mounted computer. A small emblem read 'PipBuck 3000'. Weird name.

I was hesitant to press the 'on' button in case it turned out to be filled with explosives. You never know. Eventually my curiosity won out. After all, someone had gone to the trouble of putting it on me while I was unconscious. If they'd wanted to kill me they'd have done it already.

The monochrome display lit up amber and revealed a map. Wow, retro. I thought to myself. All the sudden my vision flashed and when it came back I could see a compass in the corner of my vision. I rubbed my eyes in disbelief. Some kind of retinal projection? Wow, I take back what I said about 'retro'.

There was a direction marked on the compass. A direction I should travel. I looked down at the map and... da fuck? It was navigating me to a place called 'Ponyville'. Since when do Afghans name their towns in English? Somebody was having a joke. That or this was some kind of coma dream, still couldn't rule that out, but I couldn't quite bring myself to believe that it was. This was real.

-x-



... if any one could be bothered to read that - what do you think... any ideas, is this worth pursuing?

[Phoenix Wright]

I don't know. The story seems interesting, and while I am interested, I'm just not sure about the HiE thing. If he was a pony, I would be all over this.
But that's just me.
OVERALL: It's good.

Edited by That pony with a face, 28 November 2011 - 09:21 PM.

[Ham is tasty]

I think it seems pretty good so far. I'd definitely read more if you continued with it.

[Ezynell]

I like it plus my name is Jackson

[Anon3mous1]

Ok - so I've decided that I'm going to write this thing - but, I want to do this right. So. Given that this is a HiE story, what are some of the things you want to see, and what are the things you think I should avoid?

[snakeeyes077]

Well written sounds like an interesting story to read