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Fan Fiction

Two short poems to test the waters



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#1 RebelinNeedofCause

RebelinNeedofCause

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Posted 04 December 2011 - 09:19 PM

The Mask


Smile
Hop
Smile
Laugh
Smile
Giggle
How a mask holds
When it is fixed by society
When madness
is the same a sadness
Has that mask cracked
What holds it in place
Are you a victim
Do you feel hate
Half inside
Buried beneath
the Place the other half lives
One little crack
Creates the perfect hole
Is the smile real
Does it reach beyond the eyes
Does it come from the soul
Can two parts never be one
Both are victims
One shared fate for two forces
Both wish for kindness
Both wish
To smile
To hop
To giggle
To laugh
=============

The Forest


The trees talk through the wind
The quiet one walks through
Alone but surrounded
The quiet on walks through
The trees tell tales
The quiet one walks through
Dragons defeated by the kind
The quiet one walks through
Unchangeable by the confounded
The quiet one walks through
The wind dies
She sighs
She walks through
Quiet courage radiates
Panic dissipates
She walks on
No need for praise
No want of fame
She walks forward
She moves between the trees
There is no sound
She is the only thing to move
She reaches the edge
Journey over
She moves on
silently
Like a butterfly
Quietly braving
The world
==============

Well I hope you don't think they suck.

Any advice is welcome :)

--Rebel

#2 Ezynell

Ezynell

    Silliest Filly

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Posted 04 December 2011 - 09:22 PM

They are both really good, I especially like the second one, but it could do without some of the stronger words and phrases like "No need for praise", "No want of fame", and "braving". All in all, great work!

Edited by Ice, 04 December 2011 - 09:30 PM.


#3 heartbreaker

heartbreaker

    Blank Flank

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Posted 06 December 2011 - 11:29 AM

They both seem a little unpolished. Not bad, but they both give the feeling of being unfinished. The wordplay could use some tightening up, but all in all great themes. ^_^





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