4 replies to this topic

[Zalgo]

This is my FIRST mlp fanfic.
But it's okay. It gets dark. Please leave feedback, and don't just say: this sucks. Tell me why it sucks so I can make it better.
~UPDATES~
Im REALLY busy @ school but now that it's Christmas break you think I'd have ALOT of time. Not really. I might be able to finish a much longer chapter 2 in say, 4 months. Sorry for the long wait, but I kind of have to make this under cover.

Chapter 1:
https://docs.google....58tNgq_OAQ/edit
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Information on what the story is based off:

Spoiler

If you want to know what I based the monsters off go here:
http://en.m.wikipedi...g/wiki/Illithid

If you want to know what the crap a Cthulhu is, then go here:
http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cthulhu

If you want a better picture of cthulhu go here:
http://codinghorror....a86e32a6970b-pi

[red] remember this isn't really a crossover with hp lovecraft, except Cthulhu having a role in it. [/red]

Edited by toothlessbrony, 02 January 2012 - 07:45 AM.

[Ezynell]

These are quite good! But some constructive critisizm would be, first, they're really short, you should make them longer, second of all, you should get some YouTube to do readthroughs, they dramatically increase the popularity of your stories. Thats all!

Edited by Ice, 07 December 2011 - 04:35 PM.

[Zalgo]

@Ice thanks! Yah I might put one and two together, and I have YouTube so I'll be sure to do your suggestion!

Agh my computer audio dosnt work. I'll have to record it when I get my laptop.

[Feather Spiral]

More than the length, it's the formatting that's buggering me. You should make paragraphs, man stallion.

Paragraphs are important to separate different scenes, and even different parts of the same scene.
For example, after describing each pony's Element and saying "nothing serious had happened in a while". You should make a new paragraph to describe what happens next, since the initial situation (Twilight reading a book) is interrupted when she closes the book and the door is knocked.
Likewise, between the moment Twi and AJ leave, the time period during which they're bucking apples, the sudden appearance of Scoot and Sweetie... these are all separate scenes, bro.

You also need to clearly separate the final warning (addressing the reader) from the chapter's actual ending.
Otherwise, it looks alright.
Chtulhu seir. Chtulhu seir.

[Zalgo]

More than the length, it's the formatting that's buggering me. You should make paragraphs, man stallion.

Paragraphs are important to separate different scenes, and even different parts of the same scene.
For example, after describing each pony's Element and saying "nothing serious had happened in a while". You should make a new paragraph to describe what happens next, since the initial situation (Twilight reading a book) is interrupted when she closes the book and the door is knocked.
Likewise, between the moment Twi and AJ leave, the time period during which they're bucking apples, the sudden appearance of Scoot and Sweetie... these are all separate scenes, bro.

You also need to clearly separate the final warning (addressing the reader) from the chapter's actual ending.
Otherwise, it looks alright.
Chtulhu seir. Chtulhu seir.

Thanks for the feed back. I'll edit it again in say, 2 hours cause I'm busy right now. oh and about the ending, it was separated. Maybe i accidentally deleted the to be continued I guess. The paragraph thing is fixed now.

Edited by toothlessbrony, 09 December 2011 - 01:55 PM.