5 replies to this topic

[Derpy.H]

She, the one whom I loved.

She, the one whom I loved.

I, the one whom she loved.

We, the couple of perfection.

We, the couple with a connection.

We, the ones who should've stayed together.

We, the ones who were ripped apart.

Evil, peril, DEATH.

Death, hatred.. her.

She, the one whom I loved.

I, the one whom she loved.

She, the one who didn't deserve it.

She, the one who didn't want it.

She, the one who was in happiness.

She, the one who was in pure love.

Love, couples, HAPPINESS.

Happiness, joy.. us.

She, the one whom I loved.

I, the one whom she loved.

Us, the couple who shouldn't have split.

Us, the couple with a love thought to have been forever.

Me and her.

She and I.

The couple.

The happiness.

Where did it go?

Why did it end?

When was this foretold to happen?

Who planned all of this?

How comes this must've happened?

Where, why, when, who, how?

The unanswerable questions of us.

Me and her.

She and I.

By: Derpy.H

Edited by Derpy.H, 08 June 2012 - 04:11 PM.

[Mavis]

That was... extremely repetitive.
And the grammar could use a little work.
And if you are going to have an anger attack within the poem, build up to it.

It's like going to a surprise party and the surprise happens in your car.
Build up to it!

Other then that, I enjoyed it!

[Derpy.H]

That was... extremely repetitive.
And the grammar could use a little work.
And if you are going to have an anger attack within the poem, build up to it.

It's like going to a surprise party and the surprise happens in your car.
Build up to it!

Other then that, I enjoyed it!

It wasn't really supposed to be an anger attack. It was more of a point.
I forgot I used the caps lock at the time as well. I normally do that when I'm making a line.
Forgot to undo that bit, I guess.
I wanted repetition to be there, as well. I was fully aware of it.
And looking at it, I realise my grammar mistakes (will be rectified now).
But, thanks for the advice.

[Inkfeather]

It's quite nice, but like Krystal said, it's repetitive, not that it's a bad thing, but it was used in a messy structure and a mediocre worded poem, when thinking quality.

It shows nice emotions, but I recommend trying to use a certain structure for your writing, especially when using such a repetive technique. The emotions are very sudden, they are shown straight out, but again, this should compliment a structure that you seem to lack. Powerful emotions without a build-up is hard to work with, and without a complimenting structure or technique, impossible to pull off in success.

It's a nice piece and some interesting thoughts, keep up the work and make sure to experiment and think a lot about your works.

[Derpy.H]

It's quite nice, but like Krystal said, it's repetitive, not that it's a bad thing, but it was used in a messy structure and a mediocre worded poem, when thinking quality.

It shows nice emotions, but I recommend trying to use a certain structure for your writing, especially when using such a repetive technique. The emotions are very sudden, they are shown straight out, but again, this should compliment a structure that you seem to lack. Powerful emotions without a build-up is hard to work with, and without a complimenting structure or technique, impossible to pull off in success.

It's a nice piece and some interesting thoughts, keep up the work and make sure to experiment and think a lot about your works.

I'll keep all of this in mind, thanks.
This will help me out in later poem attempts.

[Lord Pretty Pie]

That was... extremely repetitive.
And the grammar could use a little work.
And if you are going to have an anger attack within the poem, build up to it.

It's like going to a surprise party and the surprise happens in your car.
Build up to it!

Other then that, I enjoyed it!

I would just like to say, The surprise to a surprise party being in your car would be epic. I'm going to have to try that now. It doesn't even matter if they suspected it was a surprise party, because, SURPRISE! We're all in your car! Great... Just... Great...