6 replies to this topic

[Moosefullaeggs]

Zdravo svaki poni-

This is my first fanfiction, please give me feedback, posative or negative.
(This is a rough draft)

The Experiences and Experiments of Professor Cogsprocket

Author: Moosefullaeggs

Prologue: A Flame in the Works
Professor Cogsprocket's Chamber room, Ville du Cheval Brulant, Canterlot

Dark and damp was the chamber room of Professor Cogsprocket, lonely he sat on his gilded wooden throne; isolation enveloped him like the haunting shadows of the cold room.
"Alas! How weary I have grown, my memories of mirth and ingenuity fly before me in a fleeting moment. How I wish to clasp them once again, this darkness stirs no thought!"
A singular oil lamp flickered and burned as its flame danced about the room, the steed hung his grey head and looked to the floor; a birch white mane hung over his faded lab coat.
He tapped his hoof on the plated arm rest and groaned. "I have worn my books to the spine, and the pages fall from their bindings, I need light, true light. I need an outlet...creativity...life!"


Dust clouded the far side of the chamber as it floated through the lamplight, the scarlet draps of the canopied bed danced with it like a flame on a pale tree.
"I grow tired of shadows," said the frustrated professor in a voice lined with revelation. He got up from his chair and walked to the window.
Every step grew in determination, becoming more oppressive on the old mahogany floor; it wailed under the unexpected weight, almost beckoning him to return to the shadowy throne.
"Curse this ignorant darkness!" he exclaimed as he ripped the curtain from its post.


The blazing light ripped through the chamber, fiery sunbeams illuminated every aspect of the once dead room.
A glimmer and gleam of light sparkled about on the violet goggles that hung upon the coat rack.
Drapped upon a branch of the rack was a snow white lab coat, adjacent to the goggles, along with a bright purple necktie wrapped about it.
The luminous reflection of a bright, mid day sun flew from the chamber door like a burning phoenix, the gold lining blinded the newly rejuvenated being, the gateway to his old love, his old Aidenn, was revealed.

"Now I am free, now I build the vessels of my imagination, now I return!"

Edited by Moosefullaeggs, 18 February 2012 - 05:35 PM.

[Kirlia]

oho moose with the amazing literacy skills

[Moosefullaeggs]

oho moose with the amazing literacy skills

Ohohoho, devin please, critique me!

I already see some number errors

Time to proofread!

[Kyronea]

Hrm...well, the spacing of the paragraphs seems slightly odd...that's just a formatting thing mind, easily fixed, but it did throw me off a little because at first I thought the paragraphs were a bit disjointed and unrelated because of it. Apart from that I see nothing wrong structurally.

The use of detail is nice, but it also seems just a tad overwrought, since along the with the nature of the dialog it carries a certain style that almost strikes me as parody or satire. Though I suppose that may have been the intent and if it was, well done in that case.

There's a bit too little to really form an opinion one way or another, but the character does seem intriguing. He seems old, decript, afraid he's wasting away, and seeks to reclaim his youth, or at least make life more interesting. Still, as I said, there's not quite enough yet for me to say whether I like him or not, especially since he might turn out to be villanous in some way.

That said, I do like where this is going, and would like to read more.

[Moosefullaeggs]

Hrm...well, the spacing of the paragraphs seems slightly odd...that's just a formatting thing mind, easily fixed, but it did throw me off a little because at first I thought the paragraphs were a bit disjointed and unrelated because of it. Apart from that I see nothing wrong structurally.

The use of detail is nice, but it also seems just a tad overwrought, since along the with the nature of the dialog it carries a certain style that almost strikes me as parody or satire. Though I suppose that may have been the intent and if it was, well done in that case.

There's a bit too little to really form an opinion one way or another, but the character does seem intriguing. He seems old, decript, afraid he's wasting away, and seeks to reclaim his youth, or at least make life more interesting. Still, as I said, there's not quite enough yet for me to say whether I like him or not, especially since he might turn out to be villanous in some way.

That said, I do like where this is going, and would like to read more.

I have had trouble with formatting for a while, I'll work on this.

I do not see the satirical sense of the story, if you could elaborate on that point a bit more I would appreciate it. (I'm not the brightest lightbulb.)

Thank you so much for the feedback!

[Kirlia]

Zdravo svaki poni-

This is my first fanfiction, please give me feedback, posative or negative.
(This is a rough draft)

The Experiences and Experiments of Professor Cogsprocket

Author: Moosefullaeggs

Prologue: A Flame in the Works
Professor Cogsprocket's Chamber room, Ville du Cheval Brulant, Canterlot

Dark and damp was the chamber room of Professor Cogsprocket, lonely he sat on his gilded wooden throne; isolation enveloped him like the haunting shadows of the cold room.
"Alas! How weary I have grown, my memories of mirth and ingenuity fly before me in a fleeting moment. How I wish to clasp them once again, this darkness stirs no thought!"
A singular oil lamp flickered and burned as its flame danced about the room, the steed hung his grey head and looked to the floor; a birch white mane hung over his faded lab coat.
He tapped his hoof on the plated arm rest and groaned. "I have worn my books to the spine, and the pages fall from their bindings, I need light, true light. I need an outlet...creativity...life!"


Dust clouded the far side of the chamber as it floated through the lamplight, the scarlet draps of the canopied bed danced with it like a flame on a pale tree.
"I grow tired of shadows," said the frustrated professor in a voice lined with revelation. He got up from his chair and walked to the window.
Every step grew in determination, becoming more oppressive on the old mahogany floor; it wailed under the unexpected weight, almost beckoning him to return to the shadowy throne.
"Curse this ignorant darkness!" he exclaimed as he ripped the curtain from its post.


The blazing light ripped through the chamber, fiery sunbeams illuminated every aspect of the once dead room.
A glimmer and gleam of light sparkled about on the violet goggles that hung upon the coat rack.
Drapped upon a branch of the rack was a snow white lab coat, adjacent to the goggles, along with a bright purple necktie wrapped about it.
The luminous reflection of a bright, mid day sun flew from the chamber door like a burning phoenix, the gold lining blinded the newly rejuvenated being, the gateway to his old love, his old Aidenn, was revealed.

"Now I am free, now I build the vessels of my imagination, now I return!"

First part reminds me something along the lines of Amnesia. Looks interesting. I'll be looking forward to more

[Kyronea]

I have had trouble with formatting for a while, I'll work on this.

As I said, it's a small trifling detail, most likely easily fixed.

I do not see the satirical sense of the story, if you could elaborate on that point a bit more I would appreciate it. (I'm not the brightest lightbulb.)

Thank you so much for the feedback!

Well, I'm seeing it in the combination of the florid detail and the manner in which Professor Cogsprocket speaks. His manner, his speech that isn't quite how most people would speak, combined with the detail makes him look like a parody of older, two dimensional or even one dimensional characters from fifties era science fiction.

Note that this isn't necessarily a bad thing, and if it's not what you're going for, you could always tone down the way he speaks into something more like everyday speech. I'm simply describing the impression that I get based upon what I read, and that's how it feels to me. If you keep it up, you could easily embrace it and turn it into a facet of comedy.