*shivering*

 

So...much...bullshit.

 

There was Equestria Girls, then there was "Daring Don't", and now "Power Ponies". I've only done seven reviews this year and half of them are me ranting off my dick about how stupid what I'm reviewing is. I can't keep channeling my inner Nostalgia Critic. That was what I did years ago. I need to keep up with more creative jokes like "maggot semen" and the epic arc conclusion that was "sodomizes battery compartment." That was me at my prime. Or should I say, my.........wait for it.........pryme.

 

*LAUGH TRACK LELOL*

 

Well, I think I'm well past my "pryme" years (lel). In just two weeks I'll be turning 18 years old, and that's when the bullshit really sets in. Oh yeah, that's when I'll have "responsibilities" and fuck-all, just what a demon spawn from the depths of Hell needs! I can't believe I'll be an adult soon, when I've been a member of the forums since before my balls dropped. Outside of this series and this community, there's a lot I'll be reflecting on in the coming weeks. But you don't want to hear about that. You want to hear me tear apart shitty episodes and make innuendo. Well look no further, for we'll see what grand material arises from the classic "Bats!"

 

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So this episode opens up with Applejack waiting for the sun to rise. Insert obligatory Beatles reference here as we learn that she's waiting for Applebuck Season to begin. Ah, that was a good episode. I made drug addict jokes from that. Good times. Anyways, Applejack's excitement turns to worry when we learn that Vampire Fruit Bats have invaded her farm and soured her apples. After the title sequ.......................................................wait a minute, what's this?!

 

 

HOLY SHIT, THERE IS A GOD!

 

AFTER YEARS OF COMPLAINING, AND BITCHING, AND MOANING, AND MELTING, AND EXPLODING, AND HARMING MYSELF IN IMPOSSIBLE WAYS, I NO LONGER HAVE TO SUFFER THROUGH THE INTRO OF THE SERIES!!!

 

Well, there goes another running gag of my entries. "After the title sequence" will join "If you haven't seen this episode" in the graveyard of exchangeable and fully dynamic gross jokes. God speed, my friends, you will be missed. *sniffle*

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

.....

 

Right, this is boring. I think I'll keep that one for a little longer. After the title sequence makes my colon spray semen from my nostrils, Applejack alerts all of her friends of the tragedy that's just occurred. As she explains all the Hell the fruitbats have been inflicting on her farm, she shows the other fuckers her entry into [insert title of convoluted competition made up specifically for this episode that will never be mentioned again], which is this giant apple that's almost the full size of my monstrous dick. However, Fluttershy argues that the bats might be able to reason with Applejack, so she tries to communicate with them. It doesn't work, so Applejack calls them monsters, but Fluttershy gets offended, and they have this back-and-forth, until the BEST FUCKING SONG IN THE WHOLE SERIES PLAYS.

 

I'm serious, guys. "Bats!" is the most musically interesting, lyrically refined, and all-around well-thought out song in the history of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. It's this almost gritty song that changes key constantly depending on whether Applejack is bitching or Fluttershy is trying to make a defensive case for the bats, meanwhile the whole thing is backed by this really impressive orchestra. I pay attention to chord progression and melody on top of everything else that has to do with music, which is why I pan a lot of really simple, couple-of-chords kind of music, which spans anything from commercialized pop to "every song is boring prog rock in E minor" Pink Floyd. This, my friends, is Daniel Ingram's finest work, and it's got the shittiest title ever. "Bats!"

 

*jizz*

 

So after that orgasm of musical genius, the other ponies are convinced that the bats need to be halted, much to Fluttershy's chagrin. And of course, the five of them decide that the best course of action is for Fluttershy to use the stare on them, so that Twilight can use a spell to take away their desire to eat fruit. Fluttershy hesitates based on morality, taking away what makes vampire fruit bats. Although, for some strange reason, Andrea Libman puts emphasis on the vampire in vampire fruit bats even though their allergy to sunlight isn't hanging in the balance. How did that manage to slip by the voice director? It's pretty fucking obvious to me. Anyways, after some deliberation, she agrees to use the stare.

 

I've seen scarier eyes from my mom's ass crack.

 

Then, a hilarious moment ensues when, after Fluttershy and Twilight rob the vampire fruit bats of their ability to contribute to the cycle of nature, when Applejack thanks them, Spike just walks onscreen for five seconds to say "don't mention it, Applejack, it was my pleasure!", only to just go home with everyone else just staring blankly for a good while at him walking away. After that, they carry on with whatever they were talking about. It's one of the few times this series has actually had me dying on the floor laughing. An amazing song and a kickass joke? This episode's got it all! So, come the second attempt at bucking apples, Applejack notices that her apples are still rotting somehow. So she and her pals start hunting for more fruit bats, but soon learn that they're not the cause of this new problem. The team stake out to catch whoever's doing this in the act. Then comes another great scene where Pinkie Pie shines a bright flashlight directly in Applejack's face. For fuck's sake, the voice acting may be a bit hokey in this episode, but whoever wrote this episode came up with some top notch comedy. As the team splits up, they figure out the culprit of the rotten apples. The stare master herself.

 

.........................................................*jizz*.................................................................wait, NO, DON'T-

 

It seems that doing the stare on the bats did in fact prove to be a bad idea. Twilight's spell didn't erase the craving of fruit from the bats' instincts, but rather transferred it from them to Fluttershy. And if Fluttershy's got the thirst of a thousand fruit bats, that makes her one THIRSTY HOE. REKT360NOSCOPE420BLAZEITLOL. Well, looks like we've got an entirely new problem on our hands, now don't we? After Twilight explains what happend in...some kind of digital screen she generated???.....the chase is on to reverse the spell. This proves to be a challenge considering vampires apparently have ADHD or some shit, given Flutterbat can't stay still for half a second. The team concludes that they'll have to offer up Applejack's entry into [convoluted competition of fucktown] to lure her and keep her still long enough to do the reversal spell, proving that friendship > pride or some shit. This is a success, kind of like my sex life.

 

Oh, wait, sorry, I thought I said "failure". Nevermind that one.

 

Fluttershy performs her famous KKK bat bonanza while her friends watch in agony and Twilight shoots a creamy load.

 

Aaaand, this is the point in the episode when I realize, aside from the novelty of the most amazing Ingram song ever and the on-point comedy, "Bats!" is turning out kind of weak from every other perspective. The whole conflict-resolution arc spans the late second and early third act because most of the first act is taken up by the song, so this ending feels really rushed as a result. It doesn't help that after all of this, Applejack just fences off a section for the bats, and everyone goes back to Fluttershy's cottage to vomit the moral into the useless journal, all of which adds to the feeling of rushed pace. Which is strange, I remember really liking this episode and even going as far as to put it among the best episodes of season four. Hmmm. Well, how many times have I proven myself wrong in this series? A million times, for better or for worse. So, I guess the lesson to be learned here is that nine-month-old splooge-stained underwear does not compliment the taste of a healthy burger made of human infant meat. It all makes sense now. Cue the foreshadowing that went nowhere!

 

Oh my God, Fluttershy's snaggletooth is fucking hideous. Stop the closeup! Stop the closeup!

 

And so concludes "Bats!"

 

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.........................Eh.

 

Look, there's a lot I like about this episode. For instance, the song is the single greatest Ingram track as I've reiterated time and time again, and it stands as my favorite song in the series, even trumping "The Smile Song". The comedy is really great in this episode, with one of the jokes forcing me to pause the episode to finish my laughter and another coming pretty damn close. There's also little tidbits that made me chuckle more than other episodes did. The animation is fantastic, and the design for Flutterbat is fucking beautiful. But for all the icing on this cake, there's not a whole lot of cake. The story is pretty inconsequential, as this doesn't really have much of an impact on the characters both in the short and long term, so that's not exactly helped by the fact that the whole conflict is overtly rushed. The plot's about as simple as "threat harms Applejack, Fluttershy tries to help, Fluttershy gets fucked over, Twilight fixes it, Applejack resolves threat on her own, hammer moral here." Really cookie cutter type shit. Then there's a few lines from Fluttershy and Rarity that were strangely but nevertheless clumsily delivered by Andrea Libman and Tabitha St. Germain. If it weren't for the song and the comedy, this episode would actually amount to being pretty bad. So, it comes down to one question: is the mediocrity of the story itself worth it for all the joy it gives you by virtue of product? I think it is. If you sit down to every episode just to watch it straight-faced with no expression of the little things, you're missing the point of life. This episode as a story is skippable and ultimately aimless, but it's produced a few golden moments in the series that I'll actually remember, and I think that's worth something. "Bats!" overall amounts to a 7/10.

 

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What can I say. Vast improvement over "Power Ponies". Fucking load of bullshit. That was satisfying enough to allow me to rest a little easier. Come back next Friday when I post my final review as a child. Because the review after that? I will become a manchild. Maybe then I'll finally fit in around here!

 

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