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Two Year Anniversary (And Some Change)


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Well, I sailed right on by my two year anniversary of me joining the Forums and formally becoming a member of this amazing community. I think this little slip-up says a lot about my personality and my relationship with this fandom nowadays.

 

I'm busy -- I'll get the obvious out of the way first. I imagined college as being rather like the adult version of high school (again, fairly obvious), which meant for me that I would have lots of time to mess around on the Internet in between the odd homework "assignment." Not true, first off. College work alone is keeping me on my toes, not to mention the three big organizations I am now apart of, one of which is a national fraternity and one of which I legally can't tell you what exactly we do.

 

But really, I just...don't see as much of a point in participating in this community anymore. I mean, everyone else is tackling the music, the art, the stories, the theories, and all the rest of the ways creative people express themselves. I'm not one that can just admire these works of art and be content. I have to try my own hand at them, and with my skill set, that means writing. And writing is freaking time consuming, especially considering that I am a perfectionist.

 

So I'm stuck with a burning desire to create and no time to do it with. I can't feel comfortable here otherwise.

 

Now, this isn't turning into a "I have to take a break from you guys for a while, brb" or the dreaded "I'm done with this fandom, baibai." It's simply an acknowledgement of the fact that I'm drifting back into the awkward lurker phase of pre-Bronydom. It's a lot easier to just poke in on occasion and see what is awesome and new rather than be in the thick of things all of the time like I once was.

 

Aside from this creative outlet problem, I love volunteering for stuff that I love, and I managed to screw up that as well.

 

Way back in June, I interviewed for the position of Public Relations Head with Feld0. It was my first-ever Skype interview and, to be honest, my first job interview as well. Looking back, I messed up pretty big on some key questions and topics, but frankly, I'm glad that I did. I would have made a really, really bad PR head because of the issue that I brought up above: time. Namely, not having enough of it. Thankfully, I made it onto the PR team regardless, but...I just didn't see my purpose again. It was like, yeah, I know I need to be the guy who manages the Twitter accounts and connects with people and all that jazz, but it really wasn't for me. So I just left it there, and that was my big goof. I should have went to my boss and said that I didn't feel right in that position, if only to acknowledge that I was really falling off of the ball. But I'm off that team now, and I'm okay with it.

 

Likewise, I applied for moderator a few weeks ago. I don't know why I wasn't picked (if I remember correctly, all applicants should have gotten a personal email detailing why they were/weren't chosen or something), but I can safely assume I would have choked on that position as well. Again--time.

 

I kind of lost track of where I was going with all of this. Oh well.

 

Long story short, I feel like I'm drifting away from the fandom, but not in a "I'm never coming back" or "I'm totally disconnected" thing. It's more of a "If I don't have something big to work towards, I'm not 'right' here" combined with "I don't have time to work on anything big." So maybe right now isn't the best time for me to even bother with pastel horses. Or maybe I need to renew my faith (for lack of a better term) in my own abilities and skills that I can offer this community.

 

I dunno, man. I miss when I first joined the Forums and I found myself on game design teams as storywriter and working on fics and editing other peoples' stories and just being me within this massive creative outlet. And when I'm not creative, I don't feel right.

 

I don't even know what I'm saying or where I'm going with this, anymore. Maybe I shouldn't be writing blaug posts at 1:00AM. Or maybe I need to do this more often...

 

Regardless, I have officially been with this Forum for two years and sixteen days. I've done a whole helluva lot here since then, and I plan on doing a whole helluva lot more. I just need the time and the opportunity.

-Kolth

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