Why is everything hitting me so hard all of a sudden?
Why is it that, since Valentines Day, I've been feeling depressed again? There's just no rhyme or reason for it. I'm suddenly remembering my depressing past and feeling sad about my present. Nothing specifically sad is going on for me right now. No sad events, no memory-triggering people, no anything. I'm just feeling like crap out of nowhere and I don't understand why.
Then again, while nothing sad has happened recently, not much good has happened either. The extent of my day is waking up, going online, watching tv, and going to sleep, with the addition of work on some days. Maybe I'm just lonely, I don't really have many friends. And, I have just lost the last of my friends(that I talk to daily) about a month or so ago, leaving me with only one true friend...online. And I haven't spoken to a friend with my actual voice in months...
You know, the whole depression thing is starting to make more and more sense...
I'm here because I just spent a butt load of time making a family for my ponysona, and I'd like to show off..er..I mean show YOU..them....yep
So here is Tech Reel's family
Dad: Cam Climax
His cutie mark is a unicycle with a film reel for a wheel. This symbolizes Cam's talent for filmmaking, as well as the precision and uniqueness he applies to his creations.
http://i1021.photobucket.com/albums/af334/ReelyRandom/Cam%20Cutie%20Mark_zpsvbq4ziu8.png (Yes I know it's drawn horribly XD)
Her cutie mark is a torn book page with punctuation going over the edge(Made to resemble a cliff). This symbolizes Cliffnote's talent for script and story writing, also showcasing her love of suspense and cliffhangers.
No cutie mark yet..but he has an Irish accent....so there's that(I still need to work on Beta's interests).
Her cutie mark is a pencil in the shape of a musical note, symbolizing her love of writing songs and other things(stories, poems, etc.)
And that's it! All the brand new members of Tech's family
I'd like a little feedback, so let me know what you think of them
Just posted my newest video, a cover of "Evermore" from the live action adaptation of Beauty and the Beast. I hope you enjoy it! I put a lot of work into this one and I'm quite proud of how it turned out
Recently I've been sketching all my feelings down onto paper. Here's the result.
While the images aren't exactly happy, they were fun to draw. It felt nice to channel my thoughts and feelings into these, making my slight sadness into some fairly nice sketches
Some days I'm not quite sure who I am.
In my past I've felt like a different person for each friend I'm around, due to the fact that I try to blend in with groups to avoid standing out and possibly being abandoned. It must be because I haven't talked to as many humans in the past two years as I have in these past two days. Among these friends I feel like I'm acting different ways when certain ones are around. The differences are much more subtle than they used to be, but I can still definitely feel them.
I feel like I try too hard to impress people. I tend to think that if I'm boring for even a second then the friend or friends I'm with will get bored of me. So I end up being more of a character than a person, consistently trying to be entertaining.
I'm not saying that I'm a boring person or that I don't like being random or entertaining through conversations. Although, I feel like there's a bit more of a serious or perhaps chill side to me that I don't show much. There's just a divide in my brain that won't allow it to appear in front of people, kind of like stage fright.
All I want is to feel like one person, the same person. To be the same alone as I am around people. Whether it's being silly, or chill, or excitable, or the Doctor. I just want to know who I am. I don't know how to achieve that, or how long it will take, but it's my goal.
To learn how to be a little more human.
I've been feeling like I need someone again. Someone to make videos with, a new friend. Alone I've just felt fairly unmotivated. Which is why this Doctor Who quote came to mind.
I've altered it a bit to fit my own situation. The original is here in this spoiler.
And here's the modified version. --- Companion: "Then why am I here?"
Me: "Because....because I can't see it anymore."
Companion. "See what?"
Me: "I've been at this on and off for 10 years. After a while you just can't see it."
Companion: "See what?!"
Me: "Everything. I look at a video and it's just a big sketch, vlog, or film and I know how to start I know how to end it..and I've done both so many times. Now after a while everything is just stuff. That's the problem, you make all of YouTube your backyard and what do you have? A backyard. But you, you can see it. And when you see it I see it."
Companion: "And that's the only reason you took me with you?"
Me: "..There are worse reasons..." ---
Maybe soon I'll start looking for a channel partner again. Maybe.
Ya know what, Brain? One of these days you'll work. One of these days, maybe just for one day, one hour..a minute. Heck, I'd be lucky if it worked for a second.
I will gain the ability to think. The question is, what would I think about? The answer? YouTube. Sounds like a strange thing to think about, I know, but I have my reasons.
It's been about 10 years since I first discovered my interest in making videos. I'd make home movies and other little comedy bits and such. Over time I found YouTube, and I realized that I could post my stuff online for people to see. My destiny was set. I wanted nothing more than to be a YouTuber. 10 years, 6 collaborating friends, and 8(or more) channels have passed. I've made very little progress. Each channel only doing slightly better than the last, but always lacking consistent views, subscribers, and worst of all, content. I always run into the problem of not having ideas or inspiration for videos. Eventually it evolved into a lack of motivation after my many failed channels.
So why do I keep going? Good question....too bad I don't have a good answer. The only thing that keeps me going these days is this feeling in my mind that I do still want to be a YouTuber. I still don't know exactly what content I love making, and I still have problems with inspiration and motivation, but I just know in my heart that YouTube is something I want to do. But why? How!?
I don't know. Maybe my brain actually will work for a few minutes some time. And you can bet I'll use every second to try and figure this out, because I'm stumped.
What is the difference between being lonely and being left? The way I see it, one is massively depressing...the other is a living hell.
Being lonely is not having friends and having difficulty gaining them. It's having next to no one to talk to. Being left is an entirely different field. When people leave you, you're left with the thoughts of why they would want to leave you, as well as what you could've done to change their mind or even if you could have at all.
Before I continue, when I say "being left" I'm not referring to people who have lost one or two friends in their life. I'm talking about people who are repeatedly left by so many loved ones. People who have had most or all of their friends leave them...like me.
When you're left by people, it hurts much more than just feeling lonely. You know the saying "It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all"? I strongly disagree. I downright despise that saying. I've loved and lost, I've lost so many people throughout my life, and it only keeps getting worse. The more I lose the less I trust. Sure, I've met some great people, but I've continuously had to watch them leave my life. Every single day I can't help but remember my past friends, my past companions, everyone I've lost. Honestly, if I had the option I think I'd choose to forget everyone of them. Maybe then I wouldn't face everyday with depression about my past.
Loneliness is merciful, being left is a curse...
Two videos today! Both relating to the popular YouTube series, "Don't Hug Me I'm Scared".
The first being a medley of the songs in Episodes 1-5 https://youtu.be/pQ93VgJNUik
And the second being my reaction to Episode 6, the final episode https://youtu.be/vf85KWeI6Fc