Dunno who I am trying to fool Here as I haven't really changed much at all from those times I just threw my old mask in the trashcan and made a new one like I've always done.
Hiding behind something else because I'm too afraid to come out. Trying to act tough or caring when in reality I'm just afraid. I'm afraid of this world and people in it I've always been scared and i thought these days i been able to move on but now I see that I been lying to myself and everyone else.
I haven't been able to move anywhere I'm still in the same spot I was in when I joined here and even before that.
What has happened is that I have been able to figure out what is going on with me. And the truth of the matter is that I'm scared but I haven't been able to accept that as I bottled up my feelings and emotions trying to get rid of them. I was running away. I couldn't face myself or my own issues. I couldn't face my fear of everything.
I don't know what direction I will end up from now on and I don't really care what I do care about right now is that I have been able to feel more at ease by writing this
No wonder I keep coming back here time and time again. Feels like every other place is like a freaking battleground where there is constant strife for survival. I cannot handle those kind of environments.
What I need is soft mellow and calm ground for me to reestablish myself and breath in. A safe spot where the atmosphere is something that I believe that I can tolerate up to some extent.
Something I also need is to escape from everything that is going on. It's too much to take in all of that and I've been struggling these days because I've not been able to get out enough.
The things just seep into my mind and make their way in without asking me and I can't stop them unless I'm prepared for that. What that requires is solid foundation of mind and non clouded vision. But the longer I struggle without clearing the table the harder it gets.
I haven't been able to discover the whole truth of my situation but it feels like this community is different than the others and because of that I can partly escape the other communities by coming into here.
My view is mostly location based which means that I tie the aspects of my experiences, the communities and the overall atmospheres mostly in locations. Those locations and their combined feelings are a tool for me to reassert my self on a given situation in that location.
What I am saying is that I don't really feel that this site as a location has really much or any ties to the real world or people in there for me. That is basically what I established this site as when I joined here and I was in need of something like that.
Back then it was a bubble. An illusion that I was willingly letting myself into. These days it's more like a medicine that I take but the end result is similar.
What happens is that I am reliving partly the illusion that I was able to establish in the past to escape the world today as it is when I am not able to control my own feelings that are resulted from the experiences related to the world that I have experienced.
However it's not particularly that simple as I am still not fully able to accept myself as a part of the illusion that I was under back then because of that I destroyed the illusion i had back then about a year ago when my internal conflict was at it's peak. That destruction produced two separate illusions as it's result and they are not inclusive to each other.
So While I am able to maintain semi calm state here using this location as a tool to escape from other locations. Lingering around here long enough will give rise to that other illusion which I originally was unable to accept and since the two illusions cannot coexist in my current state it starts a conditional conflict in myself which in turn destabilizes my current state and I need to move again to get myself in order.
Recently I've been able to find an alternative method of escape in which I utilize the form of Japanese produced animation in which some genres are able to draw me in particularly well which in turn enables a better means of escape for me.
However a failure to keep up with that results in a feeling like what I am experiencing currently.
Sometimes it feels like that I am losing control of my own foundation that i've laid out for myself in these past years.Someone creeps up from out of nowhere and suddenly its like i am nowhere to be found. Nothing just nothing. Nothing is everything that i am able to to get out of myself those times. Its like a complete standstill like multiple entities are in there but when i check it out its really isnt anything.
Last time i was standing in that situation i was able to do things like normal but i couldnt really do things in the end after all even when i did. Partly it feels like my sense of self is disappearing from my grasp. Everything just clicks in place at that moment rendering my sense of individuality into nothingness. I become just like an another cog in the machine...
i can trace back the causes of this occurence when i look at the methods that i've adapted into myself during the last 2 years, some of them play quite essential role in this matter, but i am unable to figure out if it is a good thing or a bad thing.
is Nothing just as good as everything? something that i've been trying to figure out for a while. If i can control myself in a manner that allows me to manipulate my own feelings and decisions that rise from those feelings. Is it better to manipulate them or just do nothing?
This whole fiasco feels like i've stuck myself into manual breathing for the rest of my life. But is that good or bad thing? Should i be able to decide what is good and what is bad? who gets to decide that? Why i dont feel like i have any foundation on those things anymore?
Things around me feel even more abstract these days that they felt like couple years back.
I need an outlet to pour out myself in order for me to confirm that I exist. If I don't have that outlet I feel that myself that is residing inside of me starts to get restless as it cannot confirm it's own state of being. Thàt feeling is bit like the feeling I was talking about earlier but it isn't the same.
It puts me pretty much in some kind of bind and I render myself useless because of that. Feeling like there is something that I should be doing but there really isn't anything so I don't do anything
Feels like an escape is the only way for me to break out from this position and that is what has been keeping me going these days mainly. I can't deal with myself so I escape by watching anime
I haven't watched lot today which I think is one reason of my weird feeling now I don't even feel like I am who I am right now it feels like some other force controls my body at times and I'm just fooling myself thinking that it's me. Or maybe it's the other way around.
Maybe that is me but now someone else is writing this .
It has become more and more clear to me that there is something going on with me regarding this site and my feelings on here.
Mostly during the day I feel extremely uncomfortable here for no apparent reason just being here and looking the site is enough this isn't constant it's more like wavy where suddenly the wave of uncomfortableness hits and then I need to close the site because on that then after some time it evens out and I come back and it is fine for some time but the wave comes again after some time.
Then after a day full of that and I'm tired too tired to hold my composure it starts to shatter and suddenly all these criticisms on behaviour on that state start to appear. Especially when I'm on this site. It doesn't really feel like these feelings originate from the same starting point at all.
I think that I cannot really figure out who I am supposed to be here or am I something else entirely. This game has gone on for so long that I don't really know what is going on anymore. I'm maybe thinking too much into this. But I can't really help but to question and notice the way I act.
I haven't felt like this in a while it's like an empty feeling though I really cannot say what is empty and what isn't sometimes my personality feels completely different and sometimes it feels like I don't have any personality at all? Am I really alright? Or am I holding myself hostage? Maybe what I think I am ist really me and that is actually someone else and I am somewhere else entirely? Or am i hiding in the background? Is all of this a conscious choice that I'm not aware of ?
It seems like my sense of self is kinda strongly established during the day but some things around me are fracturing that identity these days and the later it gets the more uncertain I become about everything.
It feels like there is a constant struggle in my head some days I cannot really come up with anything those days and doing anything is kinda a hard stretch it just doesn't feel like anything.
Somethings compel me to act certain ways but do I really act like that myself? Or is that something that because someone else was acting on my behalf like that and now I cannot distinguish them from myself anymore?
Can other people really act as Me? Or am I creating those people myself? If I am are they different people from me or do they really count as Me?
Even simple tasks sometimes require lot of work before I can complete them but some days I can complete them like they were nothing. Is the person who is completing the tasks me? Do I have difficulty completing them or not?
Why I can't act like I want to act I only act certain ways on certain situations but sometimes it feels like it's going completely against my own will? Am I really in control of my actions? Who is the one controlling them?
I can't really make any sense of it. Who I was a year ago for example am I now the same being that I was or was the me year ago someone else entirely? Did I even exist back then?
Everything in me feels just so fragmented the things I do sometimes contradict each other and it's like when I'm under certain "mindset" it feels like it's not whole me who is in charge. The differences in myself are just growing and I can't seem to unite myself.
It would feel better sometimes I could just break up into like 5 different individuals
I once tried women's jacket on on the store it was tight and small even though it was the largest there was after that things haven't been really the same I kinda lost my touch on the clothing as I felt I was being discriminated by the system not allowing me to decide myself and categorizing certain products only for certain individuals.
After that I realized that everything that has been drilled into me is reinforcing this false premise and that certain individuals are meant to be like that while others are not it was like our life has been decided by the system already when we were born.
This thought train has carved itself deeply into the society and it has gained tremendous amount of influence over people to a such extent they they are not even able to make their own decisions as they base everything on those premises laid out for them by the society and the system.
Some people really aren't even aware who they are or that they in fact are not just dome entities here to produce the consecutive will of the system based on those premises.
am i here right now just because i was here back then? or would i be here regardless of that?
I just cant shake it off couple days back i went to talk to ziggy just because of that. it feels like im here now just because i was here back then. I have no value at present im just here because of who i was back then and i cant get it off of me.
I really dont want to throw it all away but is it really for the better for me to be here just for the sake of living in my memories? am i just keeping myself here lying to myself that it is the same as it was back then when it really isnt. everything is different.
all other people have moved forward but it feels like i havent or i have but only partially. I still long for those days when i came here and everything i liked was there it was jsut beautiful. I felt the connection I felt that what i did actually resonated to something. it wasnt just empty clatter.
the bonds that were there were holding me together. but then it was all gone just like that. i tried to keep it going but it wasnt there anymore so nothing was going on there. at that point forward i was trying to hold into something that actually even wasnt there.
I couldn't accept that it wasnt there. Something that i built myself as a part of is just gone now.
after some time i saw what i was doing and tried to escape from it but i see now that it was too late i had lived in the false dream of keeping it there for too long it wasnt something i could just discard anymore.
Perhaps it had become a part of me and who i was.perhaps there even wasnt anything in the first place and it all was in my head. maybe everything was a lie made up by myself to make me feel that there was actually something..
i dont really have anything here anymore but i am still here because of what happened back then it meant too much for me and it is too big part of me to just leave it and go on or atleast i think it is.
maube i jsut wish that one day i can relive the moments that i longed for back then but i doesnt seem like it is possible anymore. yet i dont care about that i just come here and everything i see reminds me of how it was back then and how it cant be like that for me anymore.
its like its already over for me im just on the sidelines watching everyone else enjoy. anything that i hold always leads me back to how it was back then and how it cannot be anymore. It kinda destroys the whole purpose of me being here at all. but i still come here and feel it.
im still here writing this even though this amounts to nothing i just dont know anything else that i can do at this point
I probably could and should start over forget all about that crap and move on. but why would i even be here if i did that. If it wasnt for what i did back then there wouldnt be anything. its why i really dont know what i should do about this place anymore
if i hadnt engulfed myself so deeply in here back then everything would be easier.
Note: I dont mention any names in this text because im not sure if i can face myself but if you know me you know what im talking about
i dont really know what happened but somehow im feeling that im drifting away from something that i shouldnt drift away from ? its like wanting to hold onto something but still move forward? i think i've been testing the waters for about year or a half now and its starting to feel that i've kinda lost myself in the process and it feels kinda uncomfortable.
Part of the reason that i been more active here these days is that i been trying to get a hold of myself but the more i come across the things i used to do the more it kinda conficts with the way i do them now and im not really sure which way of doing things is for the better?
Am i really the person who i used to be anymore at the same time it feels that i am but it also feels that i am not and im not really. But I dont really like the reasoning that i gave myself to do all these things. I've been trying to lie myself and try to start over and hide from myself and i kinda played along for awhile but now i see how messed up that was and at the end nothing feels right anymore?
but was all this for the better? did i grow from all of this? perhaps but i cannot undo all the crap that happened. One thing is for sure and that is that im still too insecure about myself to really act the way i would like to at certain times. I cave into my own pressure or create some kind of illusion where i live because i cant face the things as they are.
Here is how it all started
I didnt really mean anything to happen but as time went on i suppose i started believing my own lies and it kind of a created the root of the whole situation that is going on with me .At heart i didnt truly accept anything i denied myself because of what i expected the expectations would be for a while i i didnt act at all i wasnt going either way it was a standstill this was early 2014 as i learned more about who i am through channel of discoveries through exploration of myself i liked it and didnt want anything else to interfere. So i shut off everything else and put 100% into this new thing that was giving me joy. It was an illusion a bubble i realized it soon enough but because things were working out i didnt want it to change.
The time went on and i grew more and more attached to the illusion and it really started to derail my emotional balance which i had been trying to keep intact about those times i realized that i cant keep it together any longer. so i started the damage control and widened the foundation and shared the resources so everything doesnt focus on the same section it started slowly but but after some time both sections were operating and well things were going well in the illusion again i regained myself and i was able to continue.
After some time though the growth on both sections was not stopping and it was taking significant resources to keep it going and i knew that i couldnt keep them both as i didnt have the capacity to keep them both alive then i decided that i would go with the more stable one and let the other slow down a bit this was around 2016 or something as it slowed down i kinda started losing the illusion i kept in there aswell. I couldnt get back in there anymore it would never be like it was back then i realized that and i didnt know what to do.
Some time passed and i started really get uncomfortable because my illusion wasnt there as strongly as before i started doubting myself and the illusion. after that i desided to separate the illusion and myself for good but now the place was truly lost for me i didnt have anything there anymore. everything was in that illusion. i had only the other section to keep me going . but deep down i couldnt really give up the illusion it had established a big part of me and i didnt really know anything better of myself so at this point i kinda started losing myself aswell and the rift between the illusion and the new me became even deeper. It has become even more unclear to me who i am? and does the illusion or new me even define who i am?