Jump to content
Banner by ~ The Wife of Rengoku
  • entries
    11
  • comments
    7
  • views
    1,718

Entries in this blog

Blur

In recent months I've noticed increasing amount of blur in how I sense myself and everything else around me. Its almost feeling like everything is slipping through my hands without me being able to grasp them. Sensing myself as an individual being and a part of this world becomes more difficult because of this. I cannot match the present beings into how I sense them so placing myself in an environment becomes pretty difficult. What I am left with is basically a feeling where I am nowhere as

碇 シンジン

碇 シンジン

Scared

Dunno who I am trying to fool Here as I haven't really changed much at all from those times I just threw my old mask in the trashcan and made a new one like I've always done. Hiding behind something else because I'm too afraid to come out. Trying to act tough or caring when in reality I'm just afraid. I'm afraid of this world and people in it I've always been scared  and i thought these days i been able to move on but now I see that I been lying to myself and everyone else. I haven't b

碇 シンジン

碇 シンジン

Analysing my current situation

No wonder I keep coming back here time and time again. Feels like every other place is like a freaking battleground where there is constant strife for survival. I cannot handle those kind of environments. What I need is soft mellow and calm ground for me to reestablish myself and breath in. A safe spot where the atmosphere is something that I believe that I can tolerate up to some extent.  Something I also need is to escape from everything that is going on. It's too much to take in all

碇 シンジン

碇 シンジン

Nothing of nothing

Sometimes it feels like that I am losing control of my own foundation that i've laid out for myself in these past years.Someone creeps up from out of nowhere and suddenly its like i am nowhere to be found. Nothing just nothing. Nothing is everything that i am able to to get out of myself those times. Its like a complete standstill like multiple entities are in there but when i check it out its really isnt anything.  Last time i was standing in that situation i was able to do things like nor

碇 シンジン

碇 シンジン

Half a month

I need an outlet to pour out myself in order for me to confirm that I exist. If I don't have that outlet I feel that myself that is residing inside of me starts to get restless as it cannot confirm it's own state of being. Thàt feeling is bit like the feeling I was talking about earlier but it isn't the same. It puts me pretty much in some kind of bind and I render myself useless because of that. Feeling like there is something that I should be doing but there really isn't anything so I don

碇 シンジン

碇 シンジン

2

It has become more and more clear to me that there is something going on with me regarding this site and my feelings on here. Mostly during the day I feel extremely uncomfortable here for no apparent reason just being here and looking the site is enough this isn't constant it's more like wavy where suddenly the wave of uncomfortableness hits and then I need to close the site because on that then after some time it evens out and I come back and it is fine for some time but the wave comes aga

Broken

I haven't felt like this in a while it's like an empty feeling though I really cannot say what is empty and what isn't sometimes my personality feels completely different and sometimes it feels like I don't have any personality at all? Am I really alright? Or am I holding myself hostage? Maybe what I think I am ist really me and that is actually someone else and I am somewhere else entirely? Or am i hiding in the background? Is all of this a conscious choice that I'm not aware of ? It seems

The System

I once tried women's jacket on on the store it was tight and small even though it was the largest there was after that things haven't been really the same I kinda lost my touch on the clothing as I felt I was being discriminated by the system not allowing me to decide myself and categorizing certain products only for certain individuals. After that I realized that everything that has been drilled into me is reinforcing this false premise and that certain individuals are meant to be like tha

Back then

am i here right now just because i was here back then? or would i be here regardless of that? I just cant shake it off couple days back i went to talk to ziggy just because of that. it feels like im here now just because i was here back then. I have no value at present im just here because of who i was back then and i cant get it off of me. I really dont want to throw it all away but is it really for the better for me to be here just for the sake of living in my memories?  am i just ke

2014-2016, 2016-2017 and now

Note: I dont mention any names in this text because im not sure if i can face myself but if you know me you know what im talking about   i dont really know what happened but somehow im feeling that im drifting away from something that i shouldnt drift away from ? its like wanting to hold onto something but still move forward? i think i've been testing the waters for about year or a half now and  its starting to feel that i've kinda lost myself in the process and it feels kinda uncomfor

碇 シンジン

碇 シンジン

×
×
  • Create New...