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About this blog

This blog is for my thoughts on what I think about life and myself. This is for when I have something on my mind and it's not suitable for a status update or a thread itself.

Entries in this blog

TheTaZe's Thoughts
 

For those who care at all

Yeah, been awhile since I've done this, eh? Last one was done last year but I guess it's time to dust off this old thing. As some of you may have noticed. My sanity and overall emotional wellbeing as nosedived over the past week. The result of this is something of a highly personal nature that I will not share. I just wanted to make a blogpost to let people know what is going on and for those who care about me to know. I am looking into therapy to see if that will help at all (doubt it).   If anyone has any suggestion on anything than it will be more than appreciated, but I'm just kind of done with life right now.
TwilySparky

TwilySparky

0
TheTaZe's Thoughts
 

Loss of Hope

As most of you already know, I've shown evidence of my personal struggle. Though, I have been thinking over things quite a bit recently. Why do I keep going on when all I meet in the end is disappointment. Hell, it's even a chore to get up in the morning. To be clear, this isn't a suicidal post or anything like that. I am completely past that. I just feel that I need to have some kind of break from everything for awhile. Just to clear my head of everything. I have been thinking of this for awhile now, but I am still unsure if I should just take a break from the internet or just everything in general. I have a few weeks after this semester to do mostly nothing and I may as well take that time to recharge myself. I know I am not the only one who feels this way, but I know a lot of people don't like talking about their problems for fear of being viewed as inept by their peers. I disagree, I think we should all discuss what we have on our minds and talk to one another on ways to solve the problems. I am still looking for a purpose in my life to be happy about. Sure, I have sparingly happy moments, but I wouldn't say I am truly happy. I would also say that I have sort of addictive personality. I have recently been trying to stop my spending on things that I really do not need, but it has been quite hard. I'm quite an impulsive buyer, so if I see something that peaks my interest, I usually go for it. I know this will get me in trouble in the future and I've been thinking of ways to stop this feeling. I don't know what a drug addiction feels like, but I feel it would be somewhat similar. You want to do this thing because your brain will give you a huge boost in dopamine due to satisfying your craving. I guess in my current mental state, finding anything that will give me that boost in my mood is crucial. Yes, I know I need to find different ways to entertain myself and not something as destructive as compulsive spending. The next thing I wanted to address is my anxiety on time. What do I mean by this? What I mean is that I have had fears of deadlines in school. I've been fearing what will happen to me if I just be lazy and don't do what I am supposed to do. Yes, I know I need to do the things that I'm told to do, but I have just recently been feeling increasingly apathetic towards doing it. Why is that? It is because I am scared of the outcome if I fail or don't meet the expectations on my instructors. I know some of you would laugh at the idea of that, but for me it is a real fear of mine. I have a deathly fear of failing to the point where I sometimes don't try things because I am afraid that I will fail at it. I know that failure is a pathway to success, but the feeling of failure is just crippling to someone like me. I think I need to find ways to circumvent my fear though. I don't know how, but maybe some of you can give some pointers. Another thing is about political climate of the world. I have recently gotten quite involved into politics and it has even furthered my depression. Since most things with politics have to do with corruption, it just depresses that is the state of the world. Sure, I know the world isn't perfect, but as they say "ignorance is bliss". That is damn correct, somethings are just better left unknown because of how deplorable they are. I myself vehemently oppose the awful spending of the US government which has lead to our enormous deficit. I also oppose the states and federal government involvement in everything. I feel more things should be privatized and that the government shouldn't give free handouts to people. This is because these people will learn to rely on these handouts and will never get back in to the workforce to be a productive member of society. This hits close to home since my own mother is one of these people, so I have hands on experience with how this affects people. This is why I appose socialist ideals like the ones Bernie Sanders keeps on parading about. They sound amazing in concept, but they are based on idealism and not on reality. That is why most communistic or socialist countries have failed and will continue to fail. Just look at how Venezuela is. They can't even feed their own people because of their socialist dictator. That is also one of the reasons that they are the country with the highest inflation rates of any country. Anyways, that concludes my rant. I just really needed to let loose somewhere on what I have had pent up inside of me for the longest time. I thank all of you for reading my blog post. Yes, I know there are people who don't agree with my political views and I'm completely okay with that. I also wrote all of this at 2am at the brink of exhaustion, so their might be some glaring mistakes in this rant. Thanks once again for reading this if you have.
TwilySparky

TwilySparky

10
TheTaZe's Thoughts

Loss of Motivation

Wow, it's been awhile since I've used this, hasn't it been? Anyways, I feel it's time I say something in here once again. For the past few months I have had less and less drive to do really anything anymore. I have school work that I should be doing but can't be assed to do it. I don't know why I don't do it because I know I can. I just feel incredibly demotivated. Same thing comes with this site. I used to be on here all day but ever since a few months ago, I can't be on for most of the day anymore or even hell, most of the free time I had. Call it exploring different hobbies or the such but I just haven't been feeling it. With that, I've felt that I have been some what of a let down staff wise. My drive to do what I want to do is almost gone and I make stupid little mistakes that I embarrass myself with. Is it time to throw the towel in? I really don't know. It's not that I don't enjoy being on here anymore, it's that I just can't be assed to go on here due to me just feeling meh if that makes sense. What do you guys think? Am I being over dramatic and should I just get over this?
TwilySparky

TwilySparky

12
TheTaZe's Thoughts

Personal Dilemma

It's been awhile since I've made one of these, eh? Well, I've had something I wanted to let out for awhile now. It's my anxiety on entering the professional workforce soon. I am in the middle of my third semester of college right now and I graduate some time midway next year. I have anxiety of how it could possibly be after I finish my schooling. This comes from the fact about finding a job and seeing if I can actually land that said job. My anxieties even extend to how well I would do said job or if I don't actually know something; how will be looked at when it comes to that time? Being a 20 year old is difficult in that regard. Society expects you to know your shit by this age but I'm having trouble wondering what the fuck I'm going to do after I finish school. I may just be blowing this out of proportion but I think my anxieties have at least some merit to them. On another topic all-together though. I am struggling to allocating time to my work since I feel burnout on the amount I receive. I'm a full time college student, so that means I have a shit ton of work to shift through right now. I know I can do the work but actually have the motivation put forth to doing it is what is holding me back in that regard. I may need tips on how I can better allocate my time to my work and how not to stress over menial stuff like worrying if my essay is perfect. I look at myself as a worrywart in this regard. Now, to the final thing I want to talk about here. All of you may or may not have noticed that I have not been as active as I have in previous month. This is because of a multitude of reasons. The first reason is that I sometimes forget to come here on the forums because I am talking to other staff members via discord most of the time. Second reason is because I can just have a lack of motivation to come here. I know I shouldn't push myself to brink of emotional burnout but I can't really help myself sometimes. Third reason is because I just don't have the time to do it as I used to. I have been swamped so much in schoolwork and even work itself. The Fourth reason would be because I have been pursuing other interests lately. This can include video gaming, watching videos on YouTube, or creating music again. Nothing against any of you guys here but my interests like Metal aren't very common among members here. I feel left out in that regard and usually just keep to myself about it. This may be a stupid reason, I know, but I just can't help feeling like that most times. Anyways, that is it for now. If you had read through this all than I thank you very much listening to me ramble on about what is on my mind.
TwilySparky

TwilySparky

17
TheTaZe's Thoughts
 

Emotional Burnout

I'm going to be limiting myself a lot more for the next few days or so, so I can get my mind back on track. I know have some obligations that I need to get done but I can't really be assed to do any of it right now. I'm not leaving entirely for the next few days or so, just enough that I can focus on some more important things. But yes, I haven't been feeling up to par and haven't really felt the need to come on as much as I want to on here due to how I am feeling. Enough of the sappy stuff, just a notice that I'm heavily limiting myself.
TwilySparky

TwilySparky

4
TheTaZe's Thoughts

I was in a car accident

So yeah, I'm going to keep this one short and simple and to the point. Yesterday, I got into a car accident which has left my car totaled. The only injuries I suffered was bruising and swelling on my arm near my wrist. For anyone wondering about if I'm getting a new car or not, I've already arranged doing that. I am getting a 2013 Kia Rio LX. On to the next reason I'm writing this, if you see me lose my temper or something it's because I've been through a lot in the past 24-48 hours and my stress limits have been pushed to the maximum. Anyways, just wanted to let everyone know an overview of the situation since many have asked me so I thought I would make some kind of global post for all to see.
TwilySparky

TwilySparky

11
TheTaZe's Thoughts

How I view myself and others

I sometimes wonder to myself why some people think I am one of the most influential people on this forum. It baffles myself that someone would even say that to me since I don't view myself in that way at all. It boggles my mind why people pay attention to what I say because I always felt like what I say goes into a empty void. Of course I'm not ungrateful for what I have right now and how you guys are participating in discussions with me, but do I really deserve it? I've seen some other users on this forum who don't get the recognition that they deserve so I feel somewhat bad for getting more than they do. This falls in line with what I was speaking about brohoofs the other day. It seems some people view brohoofs and the leaderboard as a basis for how much someone is valued. Just because I may have close to 12k and someone else might have only a 100 doesn't mean they are less valuable than myself. I know you all may think I'm just complaining and the such but I use this blog as a place to state my thoughts about myself, my surroundings, and my life. It makes me feel better to get it out of my system due to that. I know it's public and can reflect on my public image but I rather be honest with my friends then to be someone who is just living a lie on here. Anyways, I could write a whole essay about this topic but I think one paragraph will do enough justice for it. Thanks to all who has read this blogpost!
TwilySparky

TwilySparky

11
TheTaZe's Thoughts

Update on myself and my feelings on the show

I tried to fall asleep but I had many thoughts on my mind that I wanted to just explode onto a blog post here so I can feel better about myself after talking about it. I've been thinking recently that I don't know exactly how I would feel about MLP:FiM ending very soon. It's somewhat of sad thought since it is a show I have invested a better part of half a decade into and the community behind it. Of course they will be a community behind the show even when it ends for good but it is still a sad thought since I don't want the show to end nor I want the community that the show used to host dwindle away into nothingness. I can't really be the only one who feels this way either, I hope. This place especially has been great to me and it has gotten me through a somewhat hard time in my life, even now. I have been stressing endlessly about not being up to pay with finishing my schooling and getting a job. I'm quite frankly pretty scared that I won't be able to achieve what I want to achieve so I've been actively pushing it off and procrastinating when I should be giving it my all. I don't know why I procrastinate and just put this off but I know I need to do something and I'm quite frankly just scared to do it. Anyways, back to my main point of this blog. I am very grateful for a community like this, I've been hopping communities for years trying to find the sweet spot in between it all and to be fair this is one of my favorites. I've met some people on here that I feel comfortable to talk to and I don't have to hide behind a facade of shitposting either to achieve it. I consider this place my little spot on the internet and the people who interact with me daily really bring meaning to my life. Thanks anyone who has read through this but I just needed to expel all my thoughts into something somewhat coherent.
TwilySparky

TwilySparky

6
TheTaZe's Thoughts

The Burnout Effect

I want to write a short essay on what I think the phenomenon that I title "The Burnout Effect". This is what I feel that some of us have gone through as of recently. It's where you get sick of something after you done it for so much and so long. For a few of us, this has happened with the forums to an extent. I will not name anyone out of respect for them but there have been a few prolific members here in this very community who have just gotten sick of the forums because of how obsessive they were. To an extent, I feel the same way but not how much some others have been feeling. I guess what this comes down to is that an addiction to anything, be that games, friends, a community, it can have a toll on your mental state. Granted, this is not a problem for everyone but with people who have an addictive personality such as myself it's an internal battle we face everyday. It's a battle between how much time should we allot to a certain hobby or obsession of ours. Just wanted to write this to explain to some people on how this works and how to deal with it. Just take breaks so you never overwork yourself to exhaustion and to the point where you just end up hating that very thing you love all so much.
TwilySparky

TwilySparky

5
TheTaZe's Thoughts

What depressive episodes feel like

This is more of a blog for myself to write how I am feeling right now. I feel pretty lethargic right now. The crushing loneliness I feel right now is overwhelming to be fair. My anxiety is driving my nuts and I'm just trying to keep myself together. I usually don't have episodes like this frequently but when they come, it comes at full force and it really throws me off. Sorry if I worry anyone, but I can't really explain why these happen, but they just do. I'm not going to make rash decisions like I've made in the past with other community since I feel I have enough self-control over myself to not create a scene. I have a lot of things going for me in my life, a potential for success, and I just feel crushed under all the pressure that puts on me. I've always been more of a person who observes rather than responds to things. I've somewhat changed that but I've still observed some stuff I don't particularly like. This really has nothing to do with myself but seeing people get burnt out over things is really disappointing to be fair. I've had a few close friends of mine on here that are just burnt out over everything. Anyways though, these are my thoughts right now. It might be slightly incoherent since I'm just splurging them from my mind, so don't expect to follow along Thanks to anyone who has read this.
TwilySparky

TwilySparky

3
TheTaZe's Thoughts

To all my friends

This is a message to all my friends and others who are on this forum. I've seen that from time to time people are a bit scared to speak what they really think. For me, especially I get a bit irked when no one tells me something that I did wrong. I personally would like to be told if I ever did something wrong to someone so I can correct my mistakes in the future and improve as a person. So this is a message to tell everyone that if I ever somehow wrong you in anyway, I want you to tell me what exactly I did wrong so I can improve! This is for myself to prevent future arguments and potential loss of friendships to a miscommunication issue. Have a great national hug day everyone!  
TwilySparky

TwilySparky

0
TheTaZe's Thoughts
 

Wanting to express some gratitude

Note:  I meant to post this as an entry weeks ago but didn't realize till now that it was in the about this blog section. Right, so this is probably one of the only blogs I will ever make since I'm not entirely into the blogging thing. I wanted to clarify somethings that some might want to know about me. I refound this site again a few weeks ago and started to become active on it. I started with a few posts and maybe like 10 reputation points. In these past few weeks, I have been greeted with some of the most friendly people I have ever came into contact with. I as of recently have tried to look for other people who had interest in ponies like I do since the friend group I participated the most in had some very annoying internal drama with it. I would like to also express my gratitude towards the WPCC and how welcoming they have been in the past few weeks. I hope to stay with you guys for as long as possible now since almost all of you have been incredibly friendly. I would like to especially say thank you to @The Recherche @Wannabrony @Califorum @Harper @SnakeEater and the many others that I didn't mention in here. You all are great and I hope you guys keep on being great.    
TwilySparky

TwilySparky

8
TheTaZe's Thoughts
 

TheTaZe's Thoughts

I'm going to use this blog as a journal like place for me to express my thoughts that may not be appropriate for a status update or a thread in itself.   Let's start out with something that has been bugging me personally. Do you ever have thoughts of your past haunting you to this day? I've gone under many names during my years on the Internet and this current alias has been the one I've been under the longest. I've had this name since the very beginning of 2014. Admittedly, I have done bad things under this name in the past. I've a jerk to many people and have done some just ugly things that no one wants to know about (not sexually charged or anything, god no). I am admittedly not a fan of my past self. It hasn't been until the recent past year that I wanted to move past my "troll" like behavior and branch out to people. MLPForums is just another stepping stone in my harrowing journey as a person. I thanked you guys for almost a month of support in my last blog and I mean it entirely. I just hope that if any of you do somehow find out about the certain things I've done in the past that it doesn't take away to how you view me as a person.
TwilySparky

TwilySparky

7