It's back, for now.
Room Mate: Why do you have 9 dogs?
Me: What do you call a fly with no wings?
RM: Don't.
Me: A WALK!
Me: *drown in a tidal wave of dogs*
I'm sorry I called you "dude", I didn't know you were a pansexual gender fluid non-binary moca frappuccino with dual acting hydraulic cylinder and leather grip swiss army knife
who also identifies as female
Yes, English can be weird.
But it can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.
Bonus:
1.8 is higher than 1.7
1.9 is higher than 1.8
but 1.10 is lower than 1.9
I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped, and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now I don't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let's say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.
Joseph had gotten a big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those big cotton pads on his eye for a
It's been like 3 month, but anyway...
"TORGUE MUNITIONS HAS A POP QUIZ FOR YOU, SKAGLICKER! YOU'RE SURROUNDED BY A DOZEN STEELY-EYED BANDITS! DO YOU: A ) BLOW THEM TO SMITHEREENS WITH YOUR TORGUE ASSAULT RIFLE, B ) RUN AND TAKE COVER, OR C ) CALMLY GET THEM TO PUT THEIR WEAPONS DOWN AND YOU KNOW THE ANSWER IS A! BUY A GODDAMN TORGUE GUN!" - Torgue Radio Ad; Borderlands 2
doctor, handful of pills: Here, take four of these.
Me, swallowing them: What are they?
Doctor, crushing up and snorting the rest: We're about to find out.
Bonus
Pirate: The cannons be ready Captain.
Captain: ARE.
Scientifically, a raven has 17 primary wing feathers, the big ones at the end of the wing. They are called pinion feathers. A crow has 16.
So, the difference between a crow and a raven is only a matter of a pinion.
Doctor: You've got six weeks to live
Me: Give me eight
Doctor: It doesn't work like that.
Me: Seven?
Doctor: Come on...
Me: F*ck you.
Doctor: Ok, now it's five.
I lost my watch at a party once.
An hour later, I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party.
Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose.
No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.
I saw a 4 year old girl crying, all alone.
"Are you ok?" I asked her. "Do you know where your mommy and daddy are?"
"No", She sobbed.
I love doing volunteer work at the orphanage.
I wish the earth was flat so I could jump off the edge and die with an authentic Minecraft falling out of the world experience.
DnD bonus:
Monk: Have some liquid courage, friend.
Paladin: I have a spell for that, it's called Heroism. It allow me not to be intimidated or scared.
Monk: I do too, it's called Jack Daniels.