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The grammar Nazi superhero my roommate and I made


lomk

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Now a little back story: I'm a senior in college. My roommate has enough hours to be a senior but he's still probably 2 more years from actually finishing and getting a degree. But we're roughly the same age and we've been pretty close friends since 8th grade. We found we liked Pokemon (a lot) in high school and gaming is kind of our thing. But we're also pretty imaginative sometimes and we start making up some crazy stuff.

 

Anyway, this is a running gag between us for the last five or six years or so. It started when we were diagnosing cereal mascots with psychotic disorders.

Trix Rabbit: Lots of pent up anger because he sees no reason that Trix can only be for kids

Lucky the Leprechaun (Lucky Charms): Severe paranoia that "they're always after" his "Lucky Charms"

Sonny the Cuckoo Bird (Cocoa Puffs): Severe ADHD + Panic discorder. That bowl of Cocoa Puffs is always the straw that breaks the camel's back for this guy.

 

That's just a few. This eventually evolved into creating our own superhero. He was years in the making. He lives in a little of all of us who patrol the internet. He is the Nazi of Nazis. Some accept and love him. Others reject and hate him. He is....

 

He is...Grammarman.

 

It started with a conversation about people who are too lazy to be grammatically correct. We agreed that people spend 12 years in school being taught the only language they know. We're taught how to read, write, and use English for two-thirds of our childhoods. Therefore there's no reason to suck at it. If you were taught how to play piano for 12 years from the time you are 5 years old, would you absolutely suck at it or would you demonstrate some considerable skill? The same goes for language.

 

We also agreed that if you're multilingual, you get cut a lot more slack on this. I can see how it would be easy to confuse the spellings of various words when you can be thinking in two or more languages at any given moment. Alright, now that I have that mini-rant out of the way, let's move on.

.

The story starts with a woman. One of those over the top feminist women who think guys are jerk bags when they hold the door because that makes them look weak. The Grammarphone (yes that's a pun on a gramophone--as in a vinyl record) goes off. It's a message from the store owner

 

Owner: Grammarman! We need your help!

Grammarman: I am on my way!

 

[Grammarman strides politely into the McDonalds to find our scene]

 

Grammarman: What is the problem here?

Cashier: We gave her pickles on her cheeseburger.

Woman: And I didn't want no pickles on my burger!

Grammarman: [to woman] Did you want pickles on your burger?

Woman: No! I didn't want no pickles on my burger

Grammarman: Those sentences contradict each other.

Woman: I didn't want no pickles and I got pickles!

Grammarman: Exactly.

Woman: And I told him I didn't want no pickles!

Grammarman: Then, ma'am, I fail to see the problem. If you "didn't want no pickles" and you got pickles, then you did, in fact, order pickles. You got exactly what you ordered. NOW SHUT UP AND GO EAT THE FOOD YOU ORDERED!

 

And so, thanks to our beloved Grammarman, a problem that never existed in the first place was resolved because someone was too stupid or lazy to properly use the only language he or she knows. What future struggles await our hero? Find out in the next issue of Grammarman!

 

We had too much time on our hands in high school :lol:

 

Grammarman hasn't popped up in conversation in a while, but his legacy lives on. Grammarman is the SSID for our internet router. We've also called it The Awesome Narwhal and NSA Monitoring Station before (thanks to Evilshy for that last one), but Grammarman is its current alias. :D

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