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Caring about me, when there isn't much reason


Kyoshi Frost Wolf

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Warning, strong language is ahead, so if you are one of those people that cannot handle a bunch of lines formed to some word that is only bad in a certain context, don't go forward.

 

So yeah, you probably won't be seeing much of me anymore. Honestly, who the fuck REALLY cares. You might say 'I do care!' But why? What have I done and what about me makes me worth this constant praise and people telling me that I am wonderful, awesome, and who knows what else?

 

Since I have been silenced in other ways, I have decided to make this worthless blog post, ranting about why I am a worthless piece of fucking garbage that doesn't deserve this kind of praise. I wasn't told that I couldn't do this here so I will assume I can, but I kinda already know that if I cannot do this then I will be told after action has been taken towards me, so, it's kinda downhill either way.

 

Enough of that stupid shit though, let's move on to the next stupid shit that is floating around my worthless brain.

 

As you all know, I am fucking depressed. Yeah, I am. Why? Why Kyoshi? Tell us so you can waste our time like you always do. I tend to do that don't I, waste the time of other's...well, you aren't obligated to anything, remember that.

 

Why am I depressed? Because there is no purpose or point to my existence. At all. Seriously, zero, zilch. Nothing. The second reason, I hate myself. I despise my being. I look into a mirror, and I remember that I am inferior to everyone else around me. Why is this? Simple. I have no particular talents, traits, skills, admirations, or even the basic stuff that would make any other human being worth a damn. I cannot drive, I have the mind of a child mostly, I have anger issues, I have anxiety problems, I cannot work, I cannot do this I cannot do that, I cannot do a goddamn thing correctly. I always make everything worse over time, no matter what I do. Oh sure, I am not a murderer, or a thief, or whatever, I try to stay out of everyone's way and just live within my means. Whatever that is. So you could say, 'oh kyoshi, you aren't THAT bad!' Well when all I can say is 'I'm am not doing shit that is absolutely required by law to NOT do' and nothing else beyond that, what exactly do you have? A husk, a simple flesh bag that really has in business walking around, eating, and sometimes enjoying some stupid hobbies like other, more worthy human beings.

 

So yeah, I am a giant fuck up. A 'thing' that exists solely to exist. You are saying, I know you are, 'Kyoshi, do something about it!'. Here is the thing, I can't. There is literally nothing I can do. I really wish I could better explain this particular thing because it is really confusing but I just cannot do anything about how my mind functions. By that, I mean the flaws that I mentioned above. Maybe through harsh meds (meds don't seem to help at all) I can kinda block one or maybe two things, but I am just stuck with who I am. Interesting note, I have always been like this, a fuck up with flaws everywhere, always. The only difference now is that I realize how inferior these flaws make me. Now, you are saying 'they don't make you inferior!' It's just a matter of opinion I guess, but I see that as incorrect. I cannot function like some 'normal' human being. So, how exactly is that not inferior? That isn't even counting that I am nothing special whatsoever. I see that as inferior to most common folk.

 

So we have that established. I am a fuck up, who happens to be a mental case as well, Who has no special, anything about him, and not much can alter that. I have tried therapy and meds and whatnot and I truly, I mean this, TRULY wish they could do something, ANYTHING, anything to stop this torture. This corrosion that my emotions and mind is doing to itself. My life isn't 'terrible' by any means, it sure as hell isn't all that 'good' but whatever, the main issue is my worthless brain and my worthless self. If I could, or if meds to make me do this at least, I would be happy. I WOULD just say 'whatever' and just enjoy what I enjoy, regardless of all of the things that make me a walking pile of dust, I would do this. Seriously, I have done this before, but as time goes on, I am weakening, my mind is destroying itself, slowly but surely. I have grown to hate myself for just being me, for things that I cannot control, and at that point, things are getting a little fucked aren't they? Well yeah.

 

I just wish I could stop the thinking, stop the thoughts, stop everything. I look at you, reader, whoever you are, and by default, my mind goes into this mode: I am inferior because of A, B, and probably C, I don't deserve them as a friend or anything else. I am worthless compare to them. That's what happens. In the past, I didn't care. Where do this all to wrong? I don't know, it just started to happen as I got a little bit older. I looked at other people and thought 'you know...I like playing my video games and doing what I do...but that person, they are so much more than me' and everyone shows in this society that you have to be worth something, you cannot just be this flawed and not be considered a burden. This is true right? Well, whether or not it is, THIS is what my mind has convinced me of.

 

Now, Am I always this way? Am I always this depressed, self loathing, whiny waste of time? No. You see this mostly on the internet, mainly because I voice whatever I am thinking on the internet a lot. In non internet life, I do have days where I just enjoy what I do. Live my life however and just get satisfaction from that. I wish it was always like that. Seriously. I do.

 

What life do I live? A simple one, of simple pleasures, and simple lifestyle. Simple. I want to enjoy this, I want to embrace this, but because of everything I have said above, this is getting harder and harder with each passing day. I feel that someday my mind with completely corrode itself and I will be completely alone to go with that. Will that happen? Probably but I base that notion around my current mood, which is 'Kyoshi go throw yourself off of a bridge you useless twat!' So maybe looking into the future in any way is a really bad idea for me.

 

So yeah. This literally can go on forever and ever and ever. It's all a waste of time reading though. Nothing can be done really, the only thing is that I somehow am able to accept what I have listed above, the stuff I do enjoy at times. I want it to happen, make no mistake, many think enjoy this depression. It's hell. Not the worst kind of hell, there are plenty in this world we humans have created and are now torturing, but it is a hell none the less and I wish to not feel it but it's there. Only time will tell if it will subside and if my happiness, as insignificant to the world that it is, can prevail. It just doesn't look that way right now.

 

End pointless post #Kyoshishutthefuckupalready.

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Learn to enjoy the journey, don't focus so much on the destination because it isn't really important at all.  Accept yourself and chase your goals.  Fighting to defeat yourself is the most rewarding process I think, in the process you find out what you're really capable of and you can use that knowledge to chase your goals.

 

I used to have the same sort of mindset as you did, and thinking this way has helped me a lot...  But if you don't want any advice then just ignore me.

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Learn to enjoy the journey, don't focus so much on the destination because it isn't really important at all.  Accept yourself and chase your goals.  Fighting to defeat yourself is the most rewarding process I think, in the process you find out what you're really capable of and you can use that knowledge to chase your goals.

 

I used to have the same sort of mindset as you did, and thinking this way has helped me a lot...  But if you don't want any advice then just ignore me.

 

The difference is that we are not the same. At all. Whatever mindset that we both have in common doesn't exactly affect anything. Just saying 'accept yourself and chase your goals' just seems too simplistic to even be possible. I have no real 'goals', and accepting myself is kinda hard when I am convinced that I am a worthless piece of garbage.

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Y'know... Kyo... may I call you Kyo?  Y'know... looking back at these old blog posts of yours, as well as recent posts, and running through them one after another, I begin to notice patterns that mirror my own mind, patterns that were much harder to recognize in myself.  I have depression, anxiety, autism, etc, as well, as I'm sure you'll recall.  So... when I was at my worst, a couple of years ago, I would be completely overwhelmed with these trains of thought that I was human garbage, that I was undeserving of friendship, affection, or love, and that everyone I know would be better off without me.  There was no specific reason for any of these thoughts, but they came anyway, like an unstoppable deluge.  I really believed it.  I'm doing better these days.  I'm not saying I'm cured, or that I'll ever be normal--that's impossible.  But I'm a lot better than I was.  What I find interesting is that during my better moments, I look back on my worst moments, and I honestly can't understand where those dark, twisted thoughts were coming from.  I remember thinking them and feeling them, but I can't remember why.  They just... came.  There wasn't a valid reason.  In my better moments, I look back at the bad moments with something almost akin to fascination.  It seems strange to me that I felt like such garbage.  I don't at present.  Why did I feel that way then?  Nothing is different.  It's proof to me that the mind really can change.

The truth is that those dark thoughts aren't really you.  You are not your thoughts.  You don't have to identify with them, and you don't have to listen to them.  We don't author/create our thoughts.  Thoughts just appear in consciousness.  They're objects to be observed.  We don't create them; we are merely witness to them.  When a thought arises, you can choose to identify with it and let it carry you as far as it will, in which case you will truly be at the mercy of that thought for as long as it endures, or you can observe the thought, recognize that you didn't create it, and just watch it for a moment, like watching a movie on a screen, and then just watch as it passes away.  You don't need to listen to it.

The pattern I notice in you, which mirrors me, is the flip-flopping between better days, and the absolute plummets into the abyss of self-hatred and despair, like this entry.  When I read the blog entries back to back like this, it emphasizes how the negative thoughts just seem to come pouring in for no reason, be it every other week, or every other day, and when they do, it's like there's no escape from the pit of darkness.  Believe me, I know exactly how that feels, better than anyone.  But when I'm in a better frame of mind and I read one of these dark rants, I get that same feeling of fascination that I do about my own mind.  It's almost... comical... in a way.  Please don't misunderstand me--I don't mean that I'm laughing at you, or that there's anything funny about what you and I go through.  But what I mean is that it almost seems comical.... absurd really, how the mind can just flood itself with these thoughts and feelings for no reason.  And I know it seems like there are valid reasons.  When you're feeling this, it's just impossible to see it any other way.  But what I'm saying is that when I look back at my worst moments, it just kind of seems funny to me that I felt so terrible.  Those dark thoughts just weren't real.  When I see your rants like this, I just sort of think, "Lol, there he goes again."  And I swear, I don't intend that in a mean-spirited way.  I just see myself in these rants, and I can see that it's just the chemical imbalances talking.  I see you go up and down like a roller coaster, but the lows just seem kind of... silly.  And I'm not trying to invalidate your feelings.  I mean, once again, I've been there, so badly, so many times.  It seems silly because I recognize the dark thoughts as just being these stupid intrusions caused by chemical imbalances.  They're not "real", they're not really you, and you don't need to listen to them.

I said I'm doing better these days, but that doesn't mean I won't plummet to the depths again at some point.  I hope I can heed my own advice in those moments, and just look at those thoughts and go, "Fuck it.  I'm not listening to those."  But it's hard.  And I know that no amount of perspective change or mindfulness will actually alter physical reality.  Our life situations still are what they are, but we can teach ourselves to enjoy what is a little more.  We do have a say in how much we suffer.  The next time you feel those pit-of-despair feelings, just try to observe the thoughts are absurd things that they are, and just let them go.

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