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Working on a story (Critique needed!)


Slice0Pie

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Hello everyone, I am currently writing a story, and so far I got A LOT done :D I would love it if some of you guys have me some critique, advice and such :) If it says [insert name here] it's because I don't know a name yet, so, here it is! :D

Prologue

It screamed. It cried. It shouted out in agony. "Shut up, you feather brained bird!" He hissed. It was the Raccoon king, his name was Crasher the Lord. Although he was a king, he demanded his animal folks to call him 'Lord' instead of 'King'. The bird whimpered in pain, its wing bleeding, half of his feathers missing. "Now, I hear your little group wants to overthrow me, eh?" The bird, now quiet, just stared at Crasher. "Well? Speak!" Crasher roared, raising his paw, and slapping the bird. "Your lucky I'm not using my claws, or else you would have been fresh-kill!" He spatted. "Now," He said, in a calmer manner, "tell me about the group, like I said!" His cold, blood shot eyes stared right at the bird. The birds name was Quilt, a falcon. Quilt shook, his words stuttered "I won' tell you nothin' you filthy bags of fleas!" Crasher shook his head, grabbing his new sword he just got from the blacksmith. "Fine, I tried reasoning, but now you'll just have to die, I guess." He chuckled, lifting the sword up. "G-Good." Quilt grinned. "Y-You wer' gonna kill me anyways." Crasher hissed, swinging his sword. "Raaaaaaaaa!"

Chapter one. A land lost

"What?! Quilt to?" Alexander gasped, his tail limp now. "Yes sir... we're losing our members fast..." Kunni sighed. Alexander, the second leader of the [insert name here] group was a golden brown fox, and Kunni, the scout, was a white jack rabbit. Alexander let out a terrible bark and punched a tree nearby him. "Gosh...dang it... Kunni... what if we can't overthrow Crasher... what if, these years of keeping the [insert name here] group alive.... was for nothing?" Kunni stared at Alexander, and slowly placed his paw on his back, comforting him. "Sir, I know these are hard times, but it's not going to be easy to overthrow Crasher. One day, we will overthrow him, but right now, where far too weak, our young apprentices need training, but we will stop Crasher from harming more innocent animals." Kunni smiled, and Alexander looked up at him, smiling to, his lips trembling. "Y-You're always good for a smile.." Kunni chuckled. "I know Quilt was your best friend, and so where are other lost members, but we will avenge them!" Alexander laughed. "You're right, that's the spirit! " Kunni laughed to, slapping his back playfully. "Now, let's go tell our leader about Quilt, maybe we can assign a meeting." Alexander nodded. "Right."

Back at camp, Kunni and Alexander where walking to the hut, where there great leader lived. Animals all around waved at Kunni and Alexander, the young kits and apprentices running around, having a good time. Right at the entrance of the hut, where two cranes guarding the entrance. Alexander whispered to one of the cranes, and the crane nodded, going inside. After a couple of moments, he came back outside and nodded. "You are allowed to enter." Both cranes bowed, and Alexander and Kunni walked inside. There, was the great leader of [insert name here] an old fisher, named Roller of Suns. The reason he is called Roller of Suns, is because when he was a kit, he rolled outside his den, and there, the sun shone bright upon him, some say that's how he got the orange mark on his back, it was a gift from the sun. "Yes, Alexander and Kunni?" He looked at him, with his old, yet wise, icy blue eyes." Alexander motioned Kunni to talk, and he bowed, and spoke loud. "Roller, another great warrior was slain by Crasher the Lord. It was Quilt, his warrior caught Quilt and brought him to his castle. We fear they might find out our camp." Roller looked at Kunni, than Alexander. After a couple of moments, he spoke. "That god forsaken Crasher. He shall hold a silence for Quilt, we all respect what he done to make sure our camp wasn't figured out. "After taking a deep breathe, he spoke again. "I shall hold a meeting after supper, than we shall see what to do. Our once beautiful land was taken by Crasher, now all it is is a depressing land, full of unfair treatment, and murder. Bandits, to, have increased after Crasher started ruling. Now, young ones, go eat supper with the rest."

Chapter two. The meeting.

At supper, it was the same meal of sweet cornbread and hot fish soup, with a side of frog legs. Alexander and Kunni loved supper, they liked talking to their friends, some including Pearl the Kobra, Splinter the Rat, Snowy the Dove and Reaper the Cat. Dinner was always the same food. Once there was a time when the camp had glorious feasts, but as time went by, they started losing supplies, and food, so they tried to keep supper time nice and simple. It's been the same for five years. After supper time was over, the meeting was called. All the animals surrounded the hut, and after a couple of moments, Roller

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Very interesting story, took me a while to realize that the characters are all in fact animals 0.o

 

Some grammar aside, I think the biggest issue here is excessive information/action. Such as when Kunni placed a paw on Alexander we know Kunni is comforting Alex, there's no need to add the "comforting him." May seem like a negligible issue but it adds up and could be a bit annoying.

 

Overall I'm impressed, this story has a lot of potential with its creativity and unique background, you just need to do some twinkling with the expressions and writing style and it will be a great story. Keep it up :3

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