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S5-01 The Cutie Markless/Map


LooneyBrony

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Disclaimer: Best read in the voice of Ben “Yahtzee” Croshaw” Also NSFW for those who care for some reason...

So the Season 5 ponies are finally here.

Sweet Celestia! It’s been almost a year.

But after giving a view, I said, “it’s one stretched to two!”

So to me this was a quite dull premiere.

I say this partly because I like to provide some short, concise yet poetic writing to contrast the overlong drag that was Cutie Mapless, but mostly because I need a valve for my catharsis and I cannot be asked to make my own writing style. So, seeing as you read this far I suppose some elaboration is in order.

I think I may have overbeaten the dead horse that is my post-season 2 opinions. So much it came back alive and forced me to by a drum from Wal-mart; so i'll just sums this up with a simile: It’s like baking a cake with poorly mixed batter and trying to cover the mess with the half-eaten icing of the previous cakes. But, in the case of this extravagant premiere, it's pastry made of a pinch provocatively tasty chocolate atop a mountainous pile of expired oatmeal.

The plot is SPOILED as thus: after Tirek’s defeat, some unspecified amount of time, and Rarity finally shutting up about how aesthetically deplorable the castle looks in Ponyville or perhaps that was just me, the magical ass tattoos summon a map and designate where the ponies need to shove their asses to, like the table is Voldemort from Opposite-land. Upon arrival, they are captured by the locals and turned into Math Eaters by the villain invoking the powers of Orwell, Stalin and Sophia Lamb. Though for some reason, only their token quirks and personalities are removed but nevermind. After some skullduggery, the villain is exposed, and then escapes and the town throws a celebration about how jolly good it is to now be a different kind of one dimensional.

 

My main problem is that, despite the oddly precocious Orwellian themes (or more accurately imagery), it has as much loquacious padding as Michael Bay pads with explosions. Instead of providing good pacing, not a minute goes by where we’re treated to information that isn’t redundant or pointless. They all individually need to say that they agree to go on an adventure. They show us a traveling montage to only show a traveling montage. Pinkie Pie is suspicious, and Fluttershy is enamored for the billionth time. And the underwater glacier of this iceberg is that almost every important plot point is delivered with exposition so ham-handed that the Jewish orthodox would be right to call the hands unclean.

It’s not until the last third of each episode that something in the same star system as exciting happens. And by odd coincidence, that’s when the dialogue was used most efficiently. Sadly, the setups were littered with so much stodgy non-kosher meat, I honestly couldn’t care less about the cliffhanger sequel hook for Starlin Strikes Back. In fact, the scene where the villain shushes Twilight was when I related to her the most if only because she graciously vocalized my thoughts succinctly; like taking a taser to Captain Planet before he can gab on about the environment for the scrillionth time.

 

But what’s ironic is that if I didn’t know about the almost year long hiatus, I’d charitably say it was rushed by executive meddling! The superfluous and verbose execution speaks of the shadow of unrealistic mandates for filler (which I assume is to shoehorn in more toy commercials in the same way a snake-oil salesmans pisses in his own tonics). So “I would like to offer my sympathies to those in the creative team whose arms have been forcibly fused into your spines” ... is what I won’t say because, there WAS an almost year long hiatus which makes me question why in bleeding Tartarus was so much time wasted backyard wrestling the rule of “show don’t tell”?! The rule wasn't just broken it was harpooned, piledriven, star dropped, dragon screwed, and crossfaced while forced to act as Irwin R. Schyster reading 1984.

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