I just wanted to show you guys a way to help cope with your anxiety. On the first spoiler, I write down how I typically feel whenever I feel very anxious. Just an hour ago, I felt very anxious about many things that were happening to me in my life recently. I then decided... why not write down all that I was thinking... why I felt so nervous... You will see all that at the spoiler.
I remember last year. Things were so promising then. I had a chance to get into medical school. A chance to have a girlfriend. A chance to keep all my wonderful hobbies and loves while being so busy with work. Even a chance to keep all my friends because we pledged to keep in touch after we graduated.
But I became a nervous wreck. After submitting my application to medical school, I heard that I never got the interviews I wanted. I was completely rejected. I even tried applying for graduate school. Most places I never got replies to, and others turned me down completely because of my lack of experience... that was despite my 3.8 GPA. I never had a girlfriend to begin with. She never really thought much of me at the end. She was a nice girl, but that was that. I haven't been in contact with her for a very long time now. I thought I found love for the first time... but I was mistaken. And I paid the price with a broken heart. The thought of me having fun with my loves and hobbies didn't matter if I didn't find my way after completing my undergraduate education. Everyone was rejecting me. Even my parents began to become stressed and angered at me and each other because I couldn't find my way... Since I graduated, it's been impossible to properly catch up with all my friends too. They've all but left. Looking back, it was no surprise; we never really got to see each other after we graduated.
Then came the summer. I was given a Masters position by a supervisor who apparently saw my enthusiasm, work ethic, and communication skills very welcoming. He saw past my lack of lab experience. I even found another girl on MLPF whose company I enjoyed very much. We were friends, and that was enough for me. I didn't need a girlfriend. Just her being there for me was enough. My work even lets me balance my love for music when I played piano concertos with orchestras and continued to play more pieces on my own, even after my piano teacher's layoff. Even after losing touch with my friends from my undergrad years, I had my lab. Such a loving lab they were. Helped me on my feet when it came to experiments and research!
It's so weird... everything was finally coming into place. I had a wonderful research position and my supervisor even asked if I could stay with him for my PhD position. At such an early time for me, it was quite the honour! My research was going so beautifully. I came up with many proposals to track water contamination, and I won People's Choice for best speech about my project. I had much on my resume to use if I wanted to expand my wings and apply for a PhD in medical research.
I had wonderful friends who wanted me in their lives. Such a feeling I never could comprehend because no one, regardless of background, had ever been so supportive of me. I can name a handful of people like this right now, my lab included.
But then... I started feeling a tinge of fear this past summer. It just kept coming back... They never flooded back at the same, but they would always whisper darkness in my ears... They would always say,
"You know, a Masters in Biology really doesn't mean anything... You did a FANTASTIC job grabbing that WELL-DESERVED B on your first graduate course. As if you'll get a PhD position now in this climate. Let alone med school."
Or something like,
"You just burned your hand a month ago. From a microwave no less. You retard. Your lab... and your supervisor certainly don't think you're very competent don't they?"
Even this popped in my head recently...
"Your lab? PFFT. You're just there to advance themselves. Once you're done, you'll mean nothing more than the stranger down their street. You had to lower your standards too. Cause you're not lovable. It's that simple. People will betray you... especially that girl. You're useless being so far away."
I thought I was over my fear of my career. I thought i was over my fear of betrayal. I thought I was over my fear of loss.
I guess I'm not. Just seeing everything unfold so badly last year... It's going to happen again. And this time, I really won't have anymore padding like I did last year.
Did you read the first spoiler? Now, take a look here. I got through all the struggles I talked about with the help of many people, and prayer. While I was writing down all the things I struggled with on my first spoiler, I was reminded of all the positive things my friends said. There was indeed hope within my anxiety. I know many of you don't see it where you are, but for any of you struggling with anxiety, you all will be in my thoughts and prayers. Find people to talk to about your problems. Don't be shy to say them. Perhaps they will be of much assistance.
I openly admit that I still struggle with anxiety. It's not easy to just move on from anxiety with the snap of your fingers. I know how hard it is. I face anxiety every day. I guess it comes from what my supervisor said" You're a very self-conscious person!" . That reminded me of Fluttershy . For all you self-conscious people, it's good to be aware of what you're doing. But don't do it to the point you lose perspective of all the good things you are ! True friends will see your positive traits and lift you up for it!
One last thing. Always try writing out your thoughts like I just did. It helps you get a feel on what you're thinking so that when you read it again after a few days or even hours, that you will realize that reality is much different from what your mind believed...
I hope this helped in anyway possible for you anxious folks. I don't have much free time to post something like this, but like I said before. You all will be in my thoughts and prayers.