(We open on a bright sunny day at a birthday party at someone’s house. Zach’s house. A lot of kids are there, including the three main kids. Emily has just arrived. Mark and Willy are sitting at a table. Emily places her present down and walks over to them.)
Emily: Hey guys!
Mark and Willy: Hey Emily!
Mark: How’s your new dog doing?
Emily: Oh, Hyper is doing fine.
Willy: You named your dog Hyper?
Emily: It’s very fitting to what he does.
(Emily is sleeping. Hyper wakes her up and then runs around the room)
Emily: (Laughs) Good morning Hyper. I guess I won’t need this anymore. (Gives her alarm clock to Hyper and he runs outside and digs it in the backyard. It goes off underground.)
Willy: You’re lucky. Wayne and I really want a pet, but our dad is all like, (In poor impression) Not until you guys are responsible. (end impression) Yet I clean my room every week and yesterday, Wayne organized all of the movies alphabetically by director.
Mark: Seems responsible enough to me.
Zach’s mom: Kids, the entertainment is here!
(Zach is in the front jumping up and down)
Zach: Oh boy! What did you get me? A clown? An acrobat? A cartoon character?
Mark: Pff, cartoon characters. How would that be entertaining? (Willy and Emily look towards the audience and raise eyebrows.)
Zach’s mom: No. This year, I got a magician. Please present Magic Moe!
Mark: Willy can I borrow that punch?
(Mark does a spit take).
(Moe clears his throat)
Moe: Happy Birthday from Magic Moe Zach!
(Zach is happily clapping).
Moe: I’ve got some marvelous tricks for you and your friends. (looks around at kids) We’ve got some wonderful boys and girls and- (sees Mark) HELLO MAGIC MARK! IT’S GREAT THAT YOU’RE HERE!
(Mark sinks in his seat).
Moe: Come up and help me.
Mark: I’m not even in costume.
Moe: That’s why I brought it with me!
(Cuts to Mark in the outfit, with an unamused face).]
Moe: For my first trick, I shall pull a rabbit out of my hat. As you can tell, there’s nothing in the hat nor up my sleeves. However, (pulls Ronald out). PRESTO!
(Audience is silent. Calvin the cricket is seen making noise where Willy and Emily are sitting. He is holding a foam finger and wearing an “I heart Moe” shirt.
Kid 1: WE’VE SEEN THIS ON TV!
Moe: Oh you have? Well, this is no ordinary rabbit pull trick. This rabbit can do a lot more.
Kid 2: It can?
Moe: Yes! This rabbit can tap dance! Hit it Mark!
(Mark grabs Moe’s phone and plays the music. Ronald pulls out tap dancing gear, puts it on and then starts tap dancing The kids are impressed).
Kids: Ooooh. Aaaaah.
(As the act is going in, Wally comes in to pick up Willy.)
Wally: Willy, it’s time to go and- (Is stopped due to seeing Moe perform with the tap dancing Ronald.)
Wally (in head): Where did he teach his rabbit to do that? The kids sure love it. I haven’t made kids that happy in years. Maybe, if I get an animal that can do tricks, I can get that much of an audience result.
(Willy walks up)
Willy: Dad, what are you staring at?
Wally: We’re picking up Wayne from daycare right now.
Wally: Because we’re going to go get a pet.
Willy: Really? Alright! But, I can’t just leave the party.
Zach’s mom: Okay kids, time for Berry the Bear
Willy: Okay, we can leave.
(Transition to the local pet store, where Wally and Willy picked up Wayne. Wayne is excited.)
Wayne: Oh boy Oh boy, we’re finally getting a pet! Ahem, I mean a pet will be a great establishment to our family. Especially with mom not here and-
(Willy shuts his mouth.)
Willy: Wayne. What have I told you about mentioning Mom around Dad.
(Cuts to Wally, who has an angry, cringy face.)
Wayne: Oh right.
(The pet store owner comes over to them.)
Owner: Welcome to the Houdiniville Pet Store! How may I help you?
Wally: Yes, we’re looking for a pet. Particularly something that can do tricks.
Owner: Ah yes, we’ve got a few of those. (Goes into the back and gets them).
Owner: We’ve got a dog that can fetch, a hamster that can flip and a cat that can swim. (Shows the cat doing synchronized swimming).
Owner: It’s so good at it, it doesn’t need a partner.
Wally: Hmnn, seems tempting. But I want something that can do tricks anywhere and something less cliched.
Owner: Well sorry, that’s all we’ve got.
(Willy and Wayne sigh.)
Willy: I guess we’re not getting a pet then.
Wally: We won’t give up. We’ll try every pet store in the area if we have to.
(A montage happens where they try out different pet stores, and nothing wows Wally. Some rock music is in the background).
(The montage ends when they are in downtown Chicago in Millennium Park tired out from all the pet hunting.)
Wally: We’ve tried every pet store in the area and still found nothing.
Willy: Well at least we can enjoy the sites of Millennium Park.
Wayne: I’ve been here before! It’s not as fun the second time! (Kicks a bench and screams so loud, the pigeons fly away. All except one which seems to be having trouble taking off).
Willy: Wow Wayne. You scream so loud that people in Detroit could probably hear you.
(Meanwhile in Detroit. People are going about their day and hear the screaming).
Person 1: I sense a disturbance.
(Cuts back to Chicago).
Wayne: Well it hurts so bad!
Wally: Well you certainly did frighten an entire flock of pigeons.
Wayne: Then why is this one still here? (Points to the injured pigeon)
Wally: Well I uh, I don’t know. (Looks at it and sees it has trouble taking off)
Willy: I think its wing is broken.
Wally: Yeah. I is hopping very strangely.
Wayne: Maybe we can help it.
Wally: We can’t just help a random pigeon in the city. You don’t know where that thing’s been.
Willy: It doesn’t look like it’s been to that many places. It looks like it was its first flight and failed.
Wally: How can you tell?
Willy: It looks young compared to the other pigeons flying around.
Wayne: So can we help her please????
Willy: We don’t even know what gender it is.
Wayne: It’s showing the desire to lay eggs.
(The pigeon is looking another pigeon who had just laid an egg. The pigeon sighs.)
Wayne: So can we please help her?
(Wally looks at the pigeon, then the kids and sighs).
(Willy and Wayne cheer).
Wally: But only until her wing gets repaired.
Willy and Wayne: Awww.
Wayne: We can still give her a name though.
Willy: Yeah. (Looks at the pigeon) Hmm, I think we’ll name her Piper.
Wally: Why Piper exactly?
Willy: She looks like a Piper.
Wally: How can a bird look like anything?
(Piper is seen flying through large pipes).
Wally: Oh hardiharhar Piper. Pipes.
(Cop walks by).
Cop: Whoah woah whoah, didn’t you read the sign? (Points to it. It says, “No puns. Violators will be persecuted.”)
Wally (mumbles): Should’ve said that violators will be punished.
Cop: Okay, get out!
(Transition to back at their house. They just came out of the car.)
Wally: Now I called the vet and she said she’ll be here in 2 hours to repair her wing. After it’s repaired, we let her go.
Willy and Wayne: Okay!
(Wally goes back inside. Mark and Emily walk on by.)
Mark: Hey, I see you guys got a pet.
Willy: Well, not really a pet. More of a temporary pet.
Emily: What do you mean by that?
Willy: We’re only keeping Piper until the vet comes and heals her wing. After that, we have to let her go.
(Mark looks at Piper. She’s sitting there looking around.)
Mark: Man that injury looks very bad. It must’ve fell trying to learn how to fly.
Wayne: It’s not fair that we have to give up Piper! I bet if we taught her how to do tricks, Dad would love her!
Willy: I don’t think she can do any tricks in this condition.
Wayne: Maybe we can do tricks, she can watch and learn and then later copy them.
Willy: That makes no sense.
Mark: Well isn’t that what bird trainers do? She may not be able to do it right away but maybe she can learn.
(Willy looks at the bird, and then at Wayne who’s doing some puppy dog eyes.)
Willy (sigh): Fine.
(Cut to another montage of them trying to teach the bird tricks but utterly failing in slapstick kind of ways. During the montage, Wayne watches as they attempt, having conversations, feeding her stuff and the bird seems to enjoy that. After 2 hours, they start to give up.)
Willy: (Pant) We’ve tried every bird trick I can think of, and still no luck.
Mark: (Pant) Our parents make this look easy.
Emily: (Pant) I just can’t feel the magic.
Wayne: Well we can’t just give up.
Willy: We’ve been at it for 2 hours though. The vet will be here any second.
Wayne: I know, that’s why we have to work faster and- (Ding dong from off screen)
Wayne: Oh no. She’s here!
(They look over and see the vet standing at the door. Wally opens the door.)
Wally: Welcome Dr. Cary.
Cary: Yes I’m here to care for the animal because that’s what I Dr. Cary does.
Willy (whispers to them): She’s lucky she’s not in Millennium Park.
Cary: So where is the bird.
Wally: Oh, she’s right over there with the kids. (Points to them)
(Cary goes over to them and looks at the bird. Wayne is looking teary eyed.)
Cary: Ah, there’s the bird. I can fix her up fine.
Willy: Okay, here’s the bird. (Starts to grab her but Wayne interferes.)
Willy: What do you mean no?
Wayne: You will not take away Piper! (Starts looking a bit more teary eyed.)
Willy: Look Wayne, we already discussed this.
Wayne: But I. Love. (starts crying) HIIIIIM!
(He’s crying while Willy tries to comfort him. Piper is looking at him, looking sad too.)
Cary: Does he always do this?
Wally: He just grew attach to her. I’ll talk to him.
(Wally goes up to Wayne kneeling down.)
Wally: Wayne, you can’t just keep Piper against her will.
Wayne: (sniffle) Why?
Wally: Because she most likely doesn’t want to stay with us. The world is a big place. And he most likely doesn’t want to stay with us. It’s the bird’s choice.
(Wayne is still sniffling. Piper is still looking at him sad.)
Wayne: Okay I guess. (Walks up to Piper.) Piper, I must set you free.
(Piper looks a bit dissapointed.)
Wayne: I know it’s hard after all the fun we’ve had, but you must go off and live your life.
(Piper starts to fly but looks back.)
Wayne: Go on! Go!
(Piper flies away.)
Willy: You did the right thing. Now lets clean up our stuff and-
(A chirping is heard that gets louder.)
Mark: What was that?
Emily: I think it was Piper.
(Piper flies fast right into Wayne’s hands)
Wayne: (Sniffles) But Piper. You have to be free.
(Piper is still in Wayne’s hands with a happy expression.)
Willy: I don’t think she wants to go.
Mark: She seems perfectly happy staying with Wayne.
Wayne: Really? You are?
(Piper chirps happily.)
Wayne (Hugs her): You are the sweetest bird I’ve ever befriended.
Willy: You mean the only bird you’ve ever befriended.
Wayne: Close enough! (Turns to Wally) Daddy can we keep her since she won’t leave? Please!!!
(Wally looks at Piper and then at Wayne.)
Wally (sigh): Okay. Justy make sure to feed her and let her outside often.
Willy: Oh please do. I don’t want her flying in my room.
Wayne: I will.
Wally: Cary, can we adopt her?
Cary: I guess so. Just let me forward you to the guy to do that.
Wally: Thank you. (Looks at the kids and bird and sighs.) I just wish that Piper could help me with tricks.
(Piper hears this and flies up to his head, grabbing his hat. She flies in.)
Wally: What? Can she. (He does a few tricks, and they actually work.)
Wally: How did you learn to to that?
(Piper looks at the kids.)
Emily: You mean, us failing at the tricks helped it learned?
Mark: This just goes to prove that anything can do magic tricks better than us.
Wally: And this goes to prove why I’m still training you Wizard Willy.
Willy: Are we really going there?
(They laugh as the camera goes up showing the bird flying. The camera starts fading.)
Mark: Wait, why are we laughing? That wasn’t even that funny.