You may feel that the world is ending, that life has somehow let you down, maybe on more than one occasion. you feel lost, hopeless, confused, angry. These are all feelings that should be felt. You have a right to feel those feelings, you have a right to feel that hate. You are angry, hurt, putting blame on anyone you can.

But I have one question. Why?

Can you answer that in one word?

Let me tell you about me, Then you tell me when this is over if I know why.

I am 26. My name... not important. I am a wife, a mother , a sister, a daughter. I am white, I come from a middle class family. I graduated high school, and I have my associates degree. I am 2 classes away from my bachelors.

I served my country, I believe in God. I am someone that others might strive to be.

But I don't want to be me.

My past is mine to bare. No matter how hard I try or with it could have changed, it won't.

I have done things, I have hurt people, I have been hurt. But my mind... won't let it go. People that I am close to tell me that I am strong, that I am a fighter, that I can overcome all of my obstacles. That the pain that I am suffering will get better, that time will heal.

I put on a brave face, I hide my pain, I hide my shame, I hide so much that I have lost who I was. And when I try to break out, the person that I see is someone who I despise.

There are days where I can't even look in the mirror, I don't want to leave my home, I don't want to get out of bed. My irrational thinking makes me angry, but how can I be a mother like this?

Small things make me mad, I have to walk away, at least I am strong enough to protect my children from my anger. They don't need to be witness to my own internal battles. They need to be happy and play.

There have been more than one occasion of when I felt strong feelings to just stay away. So that if one day when I wasn't strong, I would say things to them that would only make them hate me. So I thought just ending it would be easier.

I have never attempted anything, just those thoughts would pop up and I would shove them deep down inside. Until the other day, I wrote my note.

Now to add to my list of pain and shame I have to add selfishness.

But I just feel so helpless, so empty, so lost that it seemed easy. My faith is in question because why would God make me so damaged? Why do I have to be so broken while others get to be so perfect?

Yeah, you read about me up there, she's white, so she's privileged, guess again, I worked for what I have, and it isn't much.

Oh she's married and has kids she must be just fine. Yeah, marriage has it's own set of problems and having kids, you worry all the time, you think about their well being, their health, education, make sure they don't appeal to anyone who might want to hurt them. You fear the worst when they leave your sight for even one second.

Oh she's from a middle class family, that means her family is loaded. No.. my family gets by, and they got there by working hard and being smart.

Oh she's educated bet she has a fancy office job. No, I'm overqualified to get a minimum wage job at Starbucks but I don't have the experience necessary to get a job in my field.

Oh she was in the military so she must have done it for the money. Guess again, members of the military are treated like skum, and veterans are treated even worse, all to protect those who don't even want to be associated with us.

All of that, and I'm only 26 years old.

Can you answer the question from earlier? Why... in one word?

I think I can, disease.

It has been pointed out to me many times over the last few months that I have a disease, that I have a mental illness, that I am clinically depressed. So much so that I was planning to end my life.

I have been avoiding it for so long now, I have been angry for so long, and I didn't understand why.

So I am going to see a doctor. I am making an appointment tomorrow.

I have been blaming myself for so long, constantly telling myself that it is my fault, it was always my fault. That everything bad that has ever happened in my life was always somehow my fault.

I want answers, I want my life back, I want to be happy, I want to have hope, I want to be me.

I'm not writing this for anything other than I had to tell someone. I had to get it out, I had to just get it out all at once. Don't feel sorry for me, be happy, that something inside me is strong enough to say it out lout, to get help.

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