(This episode opens on the sky. It’s showing snow falling as the camera pans down to Diniville, showing the town covered in snow on a Winter afternoon. Kids are shown doing various snow related activities. We then pan to the Walker’s house, decorated for Christmas. It moves down to the basement as Mark is heard talking.)
Mark: I have gathered you all here today to discuss the season’s biggest mystery: (pulls down an overhead curtain thing with Santa’s face on it) Santa Claus! (Willy and Emily are shown as the audience)
Willy: Ooooh, such mystery!
Mark: As we all know, every year Santa flies around the whole world in approximately an 8 hour time frame, can somehow fit down chimneys and has trained reindeer with flight. Now, I’m sure all of us have wondered how he can do any of this.
Emily: Not really. I just sort of assumed it was all some sort of crazy magic that only he can use.
Mark: Maybe so. Or maybe there’s another great mystery that’s something we never thought of.
Willy: Like maybe the reindeer are all the result of a nuclear disaster!’
Mark: I like where you’re going with this Willy!
Emily: But how would such fragile animals survive such an explosion?
Willy: Hey Danger Unicorn can.
Mark: It could be anything. This year, our goal is to come to the bottom of it!
Emily: It was our goal last year and look at how that turned out. Don’t you remember your so called interview Santa plan?
Mark: Hey, how was I supposed to know I was gonna fall asleep?
Emily: Well you should’ve put more sugar on your Christmas cookies!
Mark: I was saving them for Santa!
Willy: GUYS! It doesn’t matter that Mark couldn’t get it. That was last year. Let’s focus on finding the cause and effect of each of Santa’s doings. Or as I like to call it, the Clause and effect!
Emily: No puns please.
(The three kids are about to run upstairs from the basement when Moe opens the door.)
Moe: Whoa whoa kids. What have I told you about messing in the basement near my magic stuff?’
Mark: That we might accidentally make one of us disappear?
Moe: I was thinking more of accidentally chop one of you in half but that works too. What are you doing down here anyway?
Willy: We’re writing a report on Santa!
Moe (laughs): Why kids if you wanted a report on Santa, you could’ve just come to me. I know everything about the guy. In fact, I know the trade secret for how he does all that magic stuff. Come in close kids (the kids come in close). Santa is a magician.
(The kids look at him weird.)
Moe: A magician.
(Still staring blankly.)
Mark: Dad, I think Santa has way more magic than a magician would ever have.
Moe: Well Santa is one of the top magicians in the world. He even made Magic Monthly (Pulls up Christmas issue of Magic Monthly with Santa on the cover.)
Emily: That’s just a model in a Santa suit.
Moe: What proof do you have?
Emily: What proof do you have?
Moe: Look, I’m telling you Santa is a magician.
Mark: Don’t be stupid Dad. We’ve got enough of those kinds of Dads.
Moe: Hey I’m not stupid I’m just arrogant!
Mark: Okay Dad. We’re gonna go get more data for this report (The kids run off).
Moe: OKAY BUT WHEN YOU LEARN THE TRUTH DON’T COME CRYING TO ME!
(The kids are walking out of the house in their snow gear.)
Mark (Sarcastic tone): Well that sure helped.
Emily: That wasn’t even real information.
Willy: Calm down guys that was just Mark’s dad. Maybe my dad can give us more useful information. He’s more serious.
(Cuts to Wally)
Wally: He’s a magician.
Willy: Aw crackers.
Emily: Aw crackers?
Willy: Yeah, it’s my new catchphrase.
Emily: That’s not a very creative catchphrase.
Willy: What? I love crackers.
Mark: Calm down. We haven’t asked Emily’s folks yet.
(Cuts to Ellen)
Ellen: Yep. He’s a magician.
Emily: AW CRACKERS!
Willy: HEY! My catchphrase. I should sue. I hope you have a good lawyer Emily. Because the only lawyers you’ll find at this time of year are total clowns.
Cameron: I heard that!
Emily: Look, mom keeps saying that Santa is a magician.
Cameron (shrugs): Welp, can’t argue with your mother (Walks off).
Mark: That didn’t work.
Willy: Hey, calm your face. I’m sure we can get some useful information at school.
I’m sure some of the other kids have caught at least a glimpse of Santa.
(Cut to the next day at school where the three kids walk in and see what looks to be a debate. The lights go off and a spotlight shows on Ms. Strong.)
Ms. Strong (In debate announcer voice): And now, we begin the debate on the most serious issue in today’s society: Is Santa Claus real or not? We now turn to our defendant, Sophie Rottle who will be defending his existence against Jared Shack. Sophie, you may begin.
(Spotlight shines on Sophie and Jared.)
Sophie: Thank you. I say Santa is real. And yes, I have evidence. Exhibit A! (Projects picture of cookie.) This photo was taken on Christmas Eve last year. As you can see, the cookie looks as if it was just baked. I now bring your attention to Exhibit B (Projects a school photo of Mark wearing a dorky suit).
(Mark face palms.)
Sophie: Oopsie, wrong photo. Next slide Billy (Slide changes to a picture of a now half eaten cookie). This photo was taken the very next morning, and it is now eaten. And since it couldn't have just magically eaten itself, I have come to the conclusion that i must have been Santa.
Jared: OBJECTION! You don’t know who ate the cookie. It could have been your parents, your butler or your dog.
Sophie: OBJECTION! I don’t even have a dog
Jared: OBJECTION! What about your guard dogs? All rich people gave guard dogs.
Sophie: OBJECTION! You’re being stereotypical. We don’t have guard dogs. We have alligators in the moat.
(Cuts to main characters.)
Mark: Objection, this isn’t helping at all.
Emily: Where should we go now.
Willy: Maybe going door to door will help. We should get more fair responses that way.
(Cuts back to debate.)
Sophie: And my alligators surely have seen Santa.
Jared: How would you know?
(Cuts to their neighborhood.)
Mark: Alright Willy, you got the notes to take?
Mark: Emily are your interrogating skills set up?
Emily (In interrogating voice): Why would you need to ask if they’re ready. Of course they are!
Mark: Alright, let’s go find Santa!
Person 1: Sorry, I’m usually asleep when Santa comes (closes door).
Person 2: Sorry we don’t celebrate Christmas (There is a Menorah in her house. She closes the door).
Person 3: Yeah I don’t believe in Santa (Cuts to kids who have unamused faces and close the door on him).
Person 4: Santa? I think I saw him at the mall (Cuts to kids with happy faces. They close the door).
Mark: This is perfect! Santa is at the mall.
Emily: I thought those were just one of his helpers.
Mark: Yes, but that means he has connections with him. We can just question him to get all the answers.
Willy: Don’t you think it was rude to slam the door on those last two people?
Mark: I see my Dad do it to girl scouts and people holding books all the time.
(Cuts to the Diniville mall where Denise drives the kids there. They enter the mall.)
Denise: Now hopefully the line for Santa won’t be too long. I need to finish up some shopping. You know how your Dad is about wanting that new top hat. And you know how Ronald is about wanting that bebe gun.
Willy: Won’t he shoot his eye out or something?
Mark: Oh trust me, he’s trained.
(Cuts to Ronald in some combat training in the house.)
(Cuts back. They get to the line. It looks short.)
Denise: Oh good there’s only one family here (They get in line. The next person goes somewhere else and some other kid gets on Santa’s lap).
Denise: What’s going on? What’s this line for?
Person in front: This is to see Santa.
Denise: Then why did that kid cut?
Person in front: Because he was next?
Denise: Wait what?
Person in front (laughs): Oh you thought we were next. Oh no. This is just where the line starts. It continues over there (Points to the line going all around the mall, complete with a line concession stand, line bathroom break, and special line tents, blankets and pillows given out for free).
Denise (sigh): I hate Christmas.
Willy: Don’t worry, I know how to make this line move faster.
Emily: How exactly?
(Title card comes up saying, “1 hour later” with Willy’s voice saying just that.)
(Cuts back to them. Nothing happened.)
Willy: Aw man that always works!
(There is another montage of them waiting in line with Denise growing even more tired of all the waiting. They stop for bathroom breaks and eat in the lines. When the montage ends, the women in front of them is talking.)
Person in front: And that’s the story of all of our family’s Christmases for the past 9 years. It was made a whole lot better thanks to my little angel Tom (The son looks bored).
Tom (whispers to the kids): That’s nothing. He told the story of my entire life to someone in line for a roller coaster.
Person in front: Oh don’t get me started on that.
Tom: And I got her started.
Person in front: It all started when-
Voice from offscreen: You guys are next.
Tom: Yay! (Runs up to Santa.)
Person in front: Oh he is so adorable. Everything about him is wonderful.
Denise (mumbles): And now I know everything about him. So much that it caused me to not have time to shop.
(Goes down to kids.)
Mark: We’re next. We got everything down?
Willy and Emily: Yes!
(Tom comes down from Santa’s lap.)
Tom: Thank you Santa!
Person in front: I hope we meet again. Then I can tell you Tom’s entire life!
Denise (Sarcastically mumbles): I’ll so be looking forward to that.
(The three kids run up on Santa’s lap. Their notes are ready.)
Mall Santa: Whoa! Calm down kids.
Mark: Sorry, we’re just so excited to see you!
Emily: We’ve been curious about you for years!
Willy: And now this is the moment we find out!
Mall Santa: Uh yes. So anyways, what do you want for Christmas?
Mark: Didn’t we just say? We want to know all your secrets.
Mall Santa: Secrets?
Emily: How do you do all the amazing things you do on Christmas Eve?
Mark: How do you fit down the chimney?
Emily: How do you teach reindeer how to fly?
Mark: How do you get around the world so quickly?
Emily: How do you get in houses without waking people up?
Willy: Can I have a pony for Christmas?
(Mark and Emily look at Willy.)
Willy: What? He asked what we wanted.
Mall Santa: Well uuuh, the pony will be hard to fit in my sleigh.
Willy: Aw cracke- (Emily taps him and gives him the, “no” look.)
Mall Santa: And as for the others, uuuh magic?
Emily: Hmm, you seemed very hesitant and confused to answer sincerely.
Mall Santa: Well you see uuuh, it came to me fast and uuuuh.
Emily: Are you sure you’re Santa?
Mall Santa: Well uuh ho ho ho of course I am.
Emily: Then why aren’t you busy making toys?
Mall Santa: Uuuuh, I’m on break?
(A breeze comes through the mall and blows off his beard and hat. All the kids gasp.)
Mark: You’re not Santa!
Emily: You’re a fake!
Willy: That means there’s still hope I can get my pony!
(Mark and Emily look at him.)
(Cuts over to Mark’s front yard where the three kids are now building a snowman.)
Emily: I can’t believe it? Why wouldn’t Santa nor any of his helpers come to the mall? Did they cancel last minute? Did they have to go to another mall?
Mark: I just can’t believe we didn’t get any information. That guy clearly didn’t have any connections. Why would he do this to us?
Willy: Maybe it’s just that Santa is not real after all.
(They all go into a collective group laugh.)
Mark: That’s a good one Willy.
Willy: I try.
Mark: Well we can’t give up! We can still get some information on Santa.
Willy: But we’ve tried everything. We’ve searched everywhere.
Mark: We haven’t searched on the internet yet.
(Cuts to them in Mark’s room on a computer. Mark turns it on and some sleeping and snoring sound effects play.)
Emily: What’s that?
Mark: Dang it! Ronald hit record on my webcam while I was sleeping again! I should delete those at some point.
Emily: Not right now. We must focus on the task at hand.
Emily: Okay, how should we go about the research?
Mark: Now, in order to research websites, we have to look for accurate, official sources that have well thought out proof and research from a first hand source and-
Wally: Ooooh! Here’s a site called Santaistotallyreal.com! (Pushes Mark out of the way to click on the site.) They claim to have seriously talked to Santa and have all the information, including actual interviews with him. Look, here’s one now! (He clicks on it.)
(Video shows a poorly shot, clearly fake interview with someone clearly in a Santa suit.)
Interviewer: So Santa, how do you do all that stuff?
Fake Santa: Oh that’s easy, I buy all the cool gear to make all the magical stuff work. But sadly, all of it runs on a bill. So I’ll need your help. Donate 5 dollars to Santaistotallyreal.com to help pay for my magic stuff (beard falls off but he quickly puts it on. Video ends. Kids just look at it in shock.)
Emily: Wow, and I thought the mall Santa was a phony.
Mark: Don’t be down guys. Let’s see what else we could find in the gigantic world of the internet.
(After a while of searching they all look defeated.)
Emily: I can’t believe we didn’t find anything.
Willy: Yeah. All we found were long debates on if Santa is real or not and encyclopedia articles that say different things.
Mark: That Santa tracker looked pretty promising.
Emily: Yeah but I doubt Santa would want anyone tracking him.
Emily: Wait a second Willy. Doesn’t your brother have anything about Santa? He’s smart, he could figure it out.
Willy: He’s currently having an existential crisis over if Santa is real or not (As he’s saying this, it shows him in his room curled up and sucking his thumb.)
Emily (Sigh): well I guess there’s no hope then.
(The three kids look sad and down. There is a sad montage of them walking down the street looking defeated and getting more sad when they see Santa billboards. They then pass a store with dark clothing and ski masks. This gives Mark an idea.)
Mark (Gasp): I’ve got it!
Willy and Emily: What?
Mark: Remember how my Santa stakeout last year failed?
Mark: well why don’t we try it again. This time together.
Willy: Hey that seems good. We can keep each other awake.
Emily: But Santa only comes when you’re asleep. How is he gonna come?
Mark: Hmmm, that’s it! The recording on my computer! I’ll just turn it on at full volume and the whole house and Santa will think I’m asleep.
Mark: Alright here’s the plan, we’re going to- (They huddle close together with only whispers heard.)
(Cut to the night of Christmas Eve. Mark is in his bed with Moe and Denise wishing him gold night.)
Moe: Good night my little magician in training. I Hope your Christmas is magical.
Denise: Hopefully Santa will bring you lots of toys (kisses Mark on the cheek). See you in the morning. (They both leave the room and close the door. They are then heard walking to their room and going to bed. Once they fall asleep, Mark runs to his computer and plays the sleeping sound effect and sneaks down to the living room. Once down there, Ronald approaches him.)
Mark (Whispering): Ronald, you’re waiting up too?
Mark: Is it to keep me up or is it to see your new bebe gun live?
(Ronald pulls out a tiny latter.)
Mark: The latter? I see. Oh right, I should get Willy and Emily.
(Mark walks to the window. Willy and Emily. Are waiting there and Willy brought Piper. He opens the door and lets them in.)
Mark: You brought Piper?
Willy: he can keep arial search.
Mark: It’s Winter though.
Willy: He’s got a little coat (Piper is wearing a tiny coat and nods and flies up.)
Mark: Okay, who shall be the first to watch?
Willy and Emily: Not it!
Mark: Dang it!
(Cue another montage of them taking sleeping shifts while waiting. Piper is up in the sky getting progressively tired. After a while when Mark is awake, he’s about to fall asleep when suddenly, he hears sleigh bells.)
Mark: Gasp! (Wakes up Willy and Emily. They hear the bells too.)
Mark: I think it’s Santa! Hide!
(They all hide under the couch in the living room. They watch as Santa comes down the chimney in a red suit and a red magician hat. He takes off the hat and gets a table out of his sack. He puts the hat on the table and starts pulling presents out of it and putting them on the table.)
Emily: Whoa, he really is a magician.
Mark: Our parents were right.
Willy: Maybe he can pull a pony out of that hat.
(They look at him.)
Willy: Sorry, wistful thinking.
Mark: A- A- A- Aaaaah-
(Willy and Emily cover up his nose and it looks like he stops.)
Mark: Aaaah. Gasp A- A- CHOOOOOO! (The sneeze blows him out of the coach. Santa spots him.)
Mark (Gasp): Uuuh, fancy meeting you here Santa. I have a logical explanation for why I’m awake heh heh.
(Willy comes out.)
Willy: We have milk and cookies for you if that makes you feel any better.
(Emily comes out.)
Willy: Hey, our cover was already blown.
(Santa looks at all of them suspiciously.)
Emily: Look, we’re sorry we’re awake.
Willy: And that we aren’t at our houses.
Mark: We just so wanted to know all about you.
Emily: The mysterious things you do is an inspiration to us all.
Willy: You can give us coal if you have to.
Mark: We made a big mistake.
All three of them: We’re sorry!
(Santa still looks at them. After a moment, he starts laughing.)
Santa: Oh silly children, I already knew that you were trying to learn about me. I see everything remember?
Emily: Oh yeah. Wow when you put it that way, that sounds creepy.
Santa: I’m FBI approved. Anyway, I’ve been observing you guys’s journey in trying to learn about me and felt so sorry for you, I’ve decided to throw you a bone.
Mark: But haven’t other kids ever wanted to learn about you?
Santa: Well those kids wouldn’t understand. You see, I’m a magician.
Willy: Yeah, we kind of gathered that.
Santa: But I’m a special kind of magician. I’m one where only magicians and families of magicians can know I’m one.
Mark: Ah so that’s why our parents kept telling us that.
Santa: I’m at a higher level of experience than all magicians. Throughout the years, I’ve learned many tricks that require hundreds of years of experience to learn. Heck, I’m an elf. So of course I can live long enough to learn all these tricks (As he’s saying this, there is a montage of him performing all these tricks.)
Santa: I’ve even got a multiple assistants. There of course is my lovely assistant. Mrs. Claus.
(Cut to on the roof where Mrs. Claus is doing tricks with Piper.)
Mrs. Claus: I’ve still got it.
(Cuts back to the living room.)
Santa: And then there’s all my various elves who help me perform the most ultimate magic trick of all, bringing gifts to all the children of the world, who celebrate Christmas that is.
Mark: Wow, that’s amazing.
Emily: I could have never guessed.
Willy: I can’t wait to tell everyone at school this!
Santa: No no no kids. You can’t tell. You can only talk about my secrets with people who are related to magicians or are magicians. It’s a trade secret so I don’t get too much publicity, you know what I’m saying? That Magic Monthly magazine, totally not a model. Everyone just thinks it is.
Kids: Yeah, we understand.
Santa: Welp I’ve delivered your presents Mark.
Mark: Wow, I’m glad you’re not punishing us in any way.
Santa: By the way, you’ve each got one lump of coal with your presents for being up on Christmas. Sorry, top magician rules.
(Ronald comes out of hiding looking like he wants something.)
Santa: Yes Ronald, I got you your Bebe gun.
(Ronald cheers then goes up to bed.)
Santa: Welp, you two better get home and MERRY CHRISTMAS!
(Santa goes back up the chimney and flies off.)
Willy: Welp we should be getting to bed now.
(As soon as they leave, Mark falls asleep on the couch until the next morning, where Moe and Denise find him there.)
Moe: Up waiting for Santa again?
Mark: Yeah you can say that.
Denise: Did you manage to learn anything about Santa?
Mark: Well let’s just say, the tricks he performs put on the best magic show ever.
(Screen pans out to see Santa flying in his sleigh.)
Santa: HO HO HO! MERRY CHRISTMAS! And Hanukkah, and Kwanzaa, and every other holiday. Oh what the heck, HAPPY HOLIDAYS!