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Subtle

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Thinking out loud


King

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I don't intend to regularly update this blog as it was only created for a singular purpose.

 

When I was really young, around 8-10 years old, I was a shy optimistic and lazy kid who pretty much had an easy life. I had to deal with bullies like most people, I was a member scouts and various sports teams, and I was weak. It didn't really bother me because I lived an average life. I had few friends and I spent all my free time playing video games because I loved to get lost in the awesome worlds that game developers created. I suppose thats why Im doing the current university course that Im in.

 

Anyway, as I got older I started to worry. I worried about how I looked, I worried about not having a girlfriend, I worried about being weak, I worried about failing classes...you get the idea. All of this is pretty normal for someone in their teens. Over the last few years though I discovered plenty of things about myself that I couldn't really put into words until now.

 

Im cold, unsympathetic and yet somehow caring, I value traits which can't be measured and I dislike being compared to anything unless Im the one comparing. Before I continue I should make sure you understand that this isn't some kinda cry for help or some depressing message about how my life is going down hill...rather it's an observation that Im satisfied making.

 

To sum it up with a single word, Im weird.

 

I've been in situations where someone close has died and I've felt nothing, however on the flip side I've lost people who shouldnt matter to me and felt heartbreaking pain. I constantly make promises that I know I cant keep and yet I will always insist that Im trustworthy and loyal. Technically Im not lying when I say that, because whenever I make a promise that I mean to keep, I keep it. Im only trustworthy if I consider you trustworthy, so again, Im not lying when I break someones trust and insist that I can be trustworthy.

 

Odd right?

 

Im a terrified person with no fear. The only thing that can really make me back down is a spider. Im terrified of heights and yet I'll jump off a cliff without hesitation. I constantly want to push my limits to discover what I can do. When I say that something doesn't hurt me, I only mean that I can bear the pain. I admire people who aren't real and I despise people who are 'too happy'. I value realism but admire the non-existent.

 

From this point on I intent to live my life more honestly. That doesn't mean I wont lie, because I certainly will, however it means that every action I make will be an action of my own with a purpose of my own. I will never be a puppet and I'll always be the master.

 


Take from this what you will, however I ask that you don't assume that I'll be some depressing goth kid who sits at the back of the room and hates life. I love life and I like my friends. I love video games still and I'll still appear the same in every way you can imagine. :P

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Emotions are weird things. I myself never cry at things that I know are sad. In fact the only time i've cried is from laughing to hard so I know my tearducts still work!

 

A fear of heights and a fear of falling are two different things. I don't like standing on the edge of a cliff yet will happily fly on a plane at 25,000ft in the sky... where is the logic in that? XD

 

You probably just unsure of how to connect with people, after all we learn from others so if everyone around you have been very lack luster in their emotions, chances are that will have brushed onto you too, even if you dislike it.

 

The only way to really break this is to put yourself in new situations that to begin with will seem unpleasant and a really bad idea. But is only by processing new and unexpected situations that we can make any noticable changes in outselves.

 

And for the record. I need to apply this to myself alot more too. My current routines don't allow me to make new friends and learn beyond what I already know. :)

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Haha. Glad you're taking the time to express and articulate your thoughts.

 

I relate to the seemingly conflicting emotions, but they're becoming clearer. Only from a surface level did they seem "weird". As you continue learning (about your "self", others, and the social world), I hope you come closer to your answers, too ^^

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I feel like I am looking into a mirror, reading this. 

 

What I can relate in an exact same way: 

 

"Im cold, unsympathetic and yet somehow caring, I value traits which can't be measured and I dislike being compared to anything unless Im the one comparing"

"
Im a terrified person with no fear. The only thing that can really make me back down is a spider. Im terrified of heights and yet I'll jump off a cliff without hesitation. I constantly want to push my limits to discover what I can do. When I say that something doesn't hurt me, I only mean that I can bear the pain. I admire people who aren't real and I despise people who are 'too happy'. I value realism but admire the non-existent"

 

"video games"

 

Quite strange seeing someone else that I can relate with in such a big/close way. Glad that you decided to share some of your thoughts. The more you know :)

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I apologise if it seems somewhat incoherent in places, I was writing down exactly what was going through my head without editing.

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