Previously on My Little Kony: Outdated References...

 

Your Messiah: "Goddammit. I thought I'd finally have the whole fucking place to myself."

 

Your Messiah (cont.): "My igloo DVR didn't record the premiere! SON OF A BITCH! THAT MEANS I HAVE TO GO TO.......D...Dailymotion..."

 

Dailymotion: "I've got a bird in the hoof for you!"

 

Twilight Sparkle: "Fuck the lessons."

 

Shining Armor: "Oh my God! Cadence! I haven't seen you in years!"

 

Cadence: "WHERE'S MAH FOCKIN CHAHLD SAPPORT?!"

 

Your Messiah (tonc.): "All this will be answered and more...such as who's my real father and why am I allowed to breathe...in Part 2 of...."

 

The Crystalling.
Spoilers Ahead!

 

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It's not easy being a messiah. Just ask Pinkie Pie. Though, I'm sure Pinkie Pie has a lot of shit to deal with, such as the freezing of the Crystal Empire and what not. In this time of urgent peril, everyone pairs off to try and defuse the situation. Celestia and Luna fly into the storm and try to stop the weather, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy try to warn the idiot citizens (fuck them, by the way), and Twilight, Pinkie Pie, Shining Armor, and Cadence try to devise a way to fix this using magic while also trying to keep the baby under hoof. Meanwhile, Starlight Glimmer and Sunburst don't particularly strike out and are instead sent their separate ways. Before Spike can encourage her, the storm soon grabs their attention.

 

Is it a little chilly out here, or is it just the comparatively warm temperature in regards to the ROASTING going on right here?!

 

Starlight and Spike meet Twilight and company at the library where the baby is running a muck. Ah, yes, here's a still very good idea. Fuck the baby. Kill it. Drown it. Cut into small pieces and then slushy that shit and sell it at Eegee's. Anything but allowing it to continue to exist. Ah, but the ponies do the humane thing and continue to have it fuck up everything. When Cadence finds a good book entitled "Fifty Shades of Gray" that they can use, Twilight explains that this could save the empire. However, Baby McFuckenstuff blasts at someone, and everyone deflects the shit instead of getting out of the goddamn way until the beam finally destroys the book.

 

Oh my God! They killed Kenny! You bastards!

 

The book destroyed, more panic ensues. Cadence sends Shining Armor, Pinkie Pie, and Rarity to evacuate the town while she and Twilight try to rewrite the spell. However, Starlight thinks that, "hey, let's get Sunburst! He's an important wizard!", so she and Spike go back to his house to beg for his help. Except, he has an outburst and explains that, no, he's not an important wizard. This leads to the two of them finally revealing their secrets. Sunburst explains that he knew a lot of spells but couldn't apply them in school, and Starlight explains her whole crimes against Equestria thing. Glossed over? Maybe, but fuck it, I like these characters and there's nothing you can do to stop me.

 

One of Rarity's prostitution cards is on the ceiling I presume.

 

After all is well, Sunburst believes he has a solution to the problem. So he, Starlight, and Spike quickly rush back to Twilight and Cadence to fix this shit. Less work I have to do, of course. Sunburst proudly tells Twilight her plan is shit (God, we needed someone like him in the main cast) and devises a new plan made up of multiple spells designed specifically to bring the Crystal Heart back together. Huh, not just one spell this time. They're getting creative with big resolves. I like it. So, Sunburst organizes that the Crystalling must take place, and with some Alicorn power shit, some weather power shit, and some Crystal Pony power shit, the heart can be restored. After the Crystalling takes place, the plan works interestingly well.

 

It's gonna BLOW!!!!!!

 

In fact, it does work. A beam shoots into the sky and stuff and everyone turns into their crystal pony counterparts for product placement. Shameless, Hasbro. Shameless. Finally, Sunburst's full potential had been realized. Back at the train station, everyone's had just about enough of this shit and are ready to go home. In come Twilight and Shining Armor's parents, this time with speaking roles for once, as they coo over their new grandchild. That's when everyone remembers, oh shit, this kid doesn't have a name! So they decide on "Flurry Heart". Sounds like a fucking milkshake, but whatever. No one cares, Starlight and Sunburst are in the corner have a grand old time developing as characters. That's when Twilight thinks she hasn't been a good enough teacher because she wasn't there. However, Spike reminds her that Celestia taught her by giving her space to make her own decisions, and the series starts to come full circle with itself. How nice.

 

Fluttershy! Get out of the fucking shot!

 

They all ride away, there's a Changeling in the distance, and they all live happily ever premiere. And that was "The Crystalling."

 

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Oh, so we're complaining about the Starlight focus?
Well, fuck you. Starlight and Sunburst are the best thing about this premiere. Sure, Starlight's personality is almost null, and I hated her as a villain, but I have to give credit here. Seeing Starlight interact with Sunburst, who is actually pretty pleasurable a character, and their rekindling friendship, as well as how it ties with Twilight's mentor role and the parallels between this and the way Twilight started out with Celestia, it's all really satisfying. I also don't think Spike is wasted here either. He fits perfectly in the role he's given and it's all very nice. Everything else about part two? Eh, the crystal ponies were annoying and I want to kill the baby, but goddammit, I just loved watching this premiere so much, I don't even care. Part 1 was pretty bare bones, but I particularly enjoyed Part 2. So, what the hell, I'll give the second half a 10/10, making the whole premiere a 9/10 average. I wish I could say I was excited for the rest of the season, but having read the next handful of episode's synopsis, including the CMC and Spike shit, I'm gonna be vomiting all over the place way too early. I just know it.

 

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So calm your goddamn tits, people. The premiere was fine. No one died, we're all still here, and the premiere wasn't that bad. Fuck the Celestianites, and you can all go home now.

 

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Happy?

 

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Good, now, I've got one more review before I go on break, and I have to say, bacon pudding gumdrops.

 

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Err, I mean, I'm not sure how I'll feel about the next deck of CARDS GIVE ME A CACTUS TO SODOMIZE.

 

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I...I think the Crystalling has...frozEN LET IT GO! TEH C0LD NEVA BOTHRD M EN-KNEE-WEH

 

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Son of a bitch. This is why you don't let me live in an igloo over a weekend. Especially when it's close to April Fools. Well, if I survive sanity long enough, I'll be able to review the next episode in PEACE A CHAAAAANNNCCEEEE. ALL WE ARE SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING IS fuck my life A CHAAAAAAA*SAVES DRAFTZ*AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACADOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANCE:).>>9=D