*VWARP* ...and that's the story of how I sodomized Adolf Hitler.

...

Wait, what?

Aw, FUCK, I'm here again!

How do I reverse the polarity on this thing?! Send me back! Send me back!

*WARPS TO EQUESTRIA*

....

*VVVVWARP*

GOD NO, THAT WAS TEN TIMES WORSE.

*sigh* Fine, I guess I'm back. If you're wondering what I did in my time off, I visited many places. Shortly after I had my April Fools sanity freeze, I went back home. Where I'm from, it's a furnace practically all year 'round, so I managed to melt that shit and become my cynical bastard 'ol self again. In fact, I took a couple pictures for a postcard to my mother. She'll be so pleased seeing me enjoying myself back at home. What do you think of it?

God I miss that place.

Anyways, since I've come back, I've heard season six is moving along with itself. That's nice. Now to review a time when the show was actually half decent. What are we, on episode 12? "Family Appreciation Day"? Ooh, beautiful. Despite my genocidal thoughts, family is a pretty important thing. I miss my family back in Happytown. My father, Heinrich Himmler. Uncle Sanford the Town Rapist. My sister Skylar, who might I add ranks #7 in the Big City's line of strippers. Even my Godparents, Vlad the Impaler and Elizabeth Bathory, bring their fair share of sacrifices on Thanksgiving! Oh, and cousin Kim Jong-il, that asshole! Aaaah, good times. Anyways, enough of my happy memories. Let's learn more about what makes Apple Bloom's family so special in this episode of My Little Pony: Family is Magic

This is a spoilers review, so if you haven't seen this episode...I'll call my daddy on you!

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This episode begins with Applejack in bed. Aww, it's gonna be one of those fanservice episodes, isn't it? Kill me now. Actually, no, Applejack is soon awaken to Granny Smith running around like a crazy person in the field screaming about the zap apples coming. Which is good, I guess. Once the title sequence rapes my innocence, we just barely learn what zap apples are. Apparently some clouds come and zap the trees and give them leaves and stuff. Meanwhile, while Applejack and Big Mac do the important work, Granny Smith and Apple Bloom are doing stupid, embarrassing rituals or some shit. Just in time fo-

GODDAMMIT

I WILL SACRIFICE YOU TO MY LORD!!!

It's that bitch cunt Diamond Tiara. This is going to be plenty of fun, isn't it? Bite me. She arrives just on time to see Apple Bloom dressed up like a blue bunny. Like, I get it's a ritual, but what the fuck? What's the point of that?! Meanwhile, Filthy Rich is here to discuss zap apple business with Granny while Diamond Tiara tries to convince Apple Bloom she should be embarrassed by Granny Smith and her "silly ways," and her making Apple Bloom look "ridiculous". You have a shite purple mane with what looks like "manly frosting" throughout, Diamond Tiara. What's your excuse? Thank goodness YOU'RE not in town where everyone could see YOU. Speaking of town, that's just where Apple Bloom is seen getting embarrassed by Grandmother Loudmouth. It just goes to show you how peer pressure influences our lives too easily. If Diamond Tiara had fucked off, Apple Bloom wouldn't have been embarrassed by a goddamned thing. This is why I hate society.

Though, both of their hats look like sick forms of cosplay. It IS one of those episodes.

Meanwhile, at the schoolhouse, Filthy Rich is boring everyone to death with his graphs and pie charts. That's when Cheerilee realizes that it's Apple Bloom's turn to get raped bring in her family member next Monday. But oh noes! That's Zap Apple Harvest Day! Which means Applejack and Big Mac will be doing more important things again! That leaves....oh shit....GRANNY SMITH! Noooooooooo-Back at the farm, Apple Bloom attempts to convince her siblings to find some time away from the harvest, to no avail. That's when the third sign of the coming pony armageddon zap apple harvest arrives to turn the leaves into flower things. With no other place to go, Apple Bloom returns to the CMC treehou-

ZZZT

Th-.......Ththththth...

HGFC...C....

C...Cutie Marks.....................cCO......>CRUSADERS OF THE LOST FUCK-UP!!!! I HATE IT! DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE

Ahem, sorry. PTSD. Moving on. The...C-CMC...hatch a plan so that Apple Bloom won't have to go to school on Monday. Scootaloo suggests "hey, we have to make Apple Bloom look sick". So they do, but it doesn't work. But hey, at least the zap apples are here! That gives Sweetie Belle the idea to harvest them early, which was a shit idea too. Well, there's only one last resort. They have to get "Granny Smith" to talk to Ms. Cheerilee about not being able to come. So they catch the old bat while she's sleeping, dress 'er up, and use Apple Bloom's terrible impressions to talk to the pedophile. I have a feeling, though, that even Granny Smith would make her moist. Moist. That's a nice word. Say that ten times over. Moist. Are you in pain? Good.

​Unfortunately, Cheerilee is not amused by bondage fetish.

As you can see, it didn't work, and Old Crusty here woke up to counter Apple Bloom's attempts. I guess the only thing left to do is actually follow through with this Family Appreciation Day/Zap Apple Harvest Day/Genocide Day. Well, not quite. There's still one more plan. Get her to hop on a slow train somewhere else for the day. GG, but even that doesn't work, and she comes back to tell her boring old person stories such as how the wheel was invented or who was really at the helm of the Holocaust. Actually, she explains a bit of how Ponyville started back when she was younger, with a whole Canterlot tie-in and some zap apple stuff, including explaining some of those crap rituals. 'Cept not the bunny thing. That's still WTF. Anyway, you'd think those stories would bore the characters in the series, but nay. Instead, they are very amuse:

My reaction was similar when I first watched "Crusaders of the Lost Mark", but it did not result in applause.

Alas, Apple Bloom realized she was retarded, Granny Smith licks the number four off the chalkboard (I'm serious), and they all go back home to make zap apple jam. And so concludes "Family Appreciation Day".

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Well, it's not shit.

I still stand by the fact that if Apple Bloom had just ignored Her Cuntiness we wouldn't have an episode, but this still had ten times more interesting backstory than the last episode. Quite the coincidence, considering how the previous episode focused on the foundation of Equestria and this one told the tale of the foundation of Ponyville. Anyways, I do like this episode. It's not one of my favorites 'nor an episode I'd go back and watch very often, but it's still well done. I'll give "Family Appreciation Day" an 8/10. I suppose my summary paragraphs used to be longer than this, so here's some nonsense to pad it out. The number four will rise again. Death to the penguins. Oxymetazoline. That good?

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Well, looks like I've still got my review juice. Wish I could've expended it on a worse episode, or a better one, but fuck it I suppose. Though there's going to be a change in schedule this time around. Instead of every Monday and Friday there being a review, I'm just going to do one every Friday. That gives me time to recuperate and do whatever I want, including target practice. I'm sure two-parters will still be reviewed in succession like I usually do, but we're not going to hit one of those for a while, so we'll be concerned with that when I dance in pale moonlight. In the meantime, I'll see you all in the next review. Half of you at least.