*Saves Vwarp Draft*-uckin' anus.

 

...

 

Ah, this place ag-*VWARP*

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*VWARP*-enis in my drink?!

 

...

 

Son of a motherfu-*VWARP*

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*VWARP* ALRIGHT! I'VE HAD ENOUGH WITH THIS SATANIC TECHNOLOGY! *THROWS HELL TRANSPORTER AT WALL*

 

Damned pricks. Weekly Wife Slaughtering Ceremonies back home are not worth all this constant frantic teleportation shit. I've been to the stone age and the stoner age and back here again, plus, I've even seen the future. Yes, Trump built that wall. You're all screwed. Still, while I'll miss Happytown, I think I'd rather stay here on the forums than deal with all of that, at least until I find the tool to fix everything. So, in the meantime, let's review another episode of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, shall we?

 

This is a spoilers review, so if you haven't seen "Hearts and Hooves Day", ...

 

... oh, shit, wait, I forgot to mention, we're reviewing "Hearts and Hooves Day"...

 

Okay, so where was I? Ah, yes. This is a spoilers review, so if you haven't seen "Hearts and Hooves Day", then you're...Hearts and Hooves...Gay....

 

Nailed it.

 

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This episode opens up with the CMC...........ergh, control yourself, Pryme..............making a Hearts and Hooves Day card for Cheerilee. Good idea, kids! Let's feed into the pedophile's lust. Sweetie Belle mentions that Hearts and Hooves Day only comes once a year. You know what I can't help thinking when some stupid fuck says something like this? NO SHIT. EVERY HOLIDAY COMES ONCE A YEAR YOU WEED-ROLLING CORPSE LICKER! Meanwhile, this shit exists:

 

Are those supposed to be horseshoe-prints, or boners extruding from some sap's fluffy pants?

 

After the title sequence resets me to virgin status, Cheerilee thanks the children for the card and proceeds to molest them mentions that she doesn't have a special somepony. You see, a special somepony is someone who you get attached to who will waste all your money and eventually hold you back from accomplishing your dreams. However, at least you're allowed to bang. Otherwise, the CMC decide to take matters into their own hands and find Ms. Cheerilee a very special somepony! However, as the fairly decent musical montage tells us, all the good stallions are taken. Boy, is that true as ever....at least....for the reversed gender in my case. Just my luck. Alright, I'm not gonna sap about my lack of a special someone all day, because Sweetie Belle chose Big Mac as Cheerilee's lover. Ooooh, this is gonna be juicy!

 

Goddammit, Big Mac. You're bedroom-eyeing a fucking tree. More shipping ponies with inanimate objects I see. Shipping #817....

 

So the CMC put a plot in motion to get Big Mac and Cheerilee to fuck go on a romantic picnic. First they get Cheerilee to identify an apple tree and bait Mac to fix a gazebo. But the plot twist is: the gazebo's already fixed up in gay-looking lace and there's a beautiful picnic under it. The CMC quickly screw off as they put on a romantic record no doubt done by some hick-ass pop singer from the 60's like Andy Williams. However, the event doesn't blow over smoothly and the two of them walk away forever in the friend zone. Unsuccess.

 

I mean, at least eat the food. It's just sitting there.

 

That's when the CMC bump into Twilight, who's reading a book about how the holiday began with a love potion. They soon manage to round up the ingredients and make a love potion for the two of them. This is initially a success, but things get out of hand very quickly. They start giving each other cheesy nicknames! Oh, the humanity! Wait...humanity? No, no, no, that's in the future. Oh, the horsity? Quadrupedity? Fuckity fuck me. The two of them start going insane with their "love" as the CMC realized they screwed up real bad. They gave them a love poison. Once they realize that the school and the apple farm will suffer from what they'd done, the objective turns from getting them together to keeping them away from each other for an hour. How scrumptious.

 

That is Sweetie Belle's virgin alarm. It's programmed to go off before they do.

 

However, this proves to be more of a challenge then they thought. That poison is really working its voodoo magic here, because these two are so insanely bonded that they start pulling all kinds of shit just to look into each others eyes. Hi-jinx ensue as Sweetie Belle decides the two of them should get married. Why? Because if they're getting ready for the wedding, they'll be away from each other for at least a full hour. And we all know what goes down during those bachelor parties. I mean....I wouldn't..........................................................................................this starts not working as shit like this happens:

 

Realistically, Cheerilee would be drenched in blood right now.

 

The chase is on to get these two away from each other before the stroke of quarter-day! They have managed to keep the two occupied for 50 minutes at least so far, but then Big Mac starts physically hauling houses and, well, you saw the above screenshot. There's only a minute to win it and it's all on the line, but Big Mac shouts "SHMOOPEY-DOO" or something and Cheerilee heeds the call. Will they two meet up before the spell is able to be broken? Will the CMC be in some deep-ass trouble? Will I magically contract syphilis after I post this? The answer to all of those is...YES!

 

Is...a divorce in order?

 

The CMC learn that you can't force love and get to take over Big Mac's chores as a punishment. Big Mac and Cheerilee also fuck with the children a little bit by doing the shmoopey-doo stuff. How charming. So concludes "Hearts and Hooves Day".

 

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I find this episode hilarious, honestly. It's clever, engaging, and an overall joy. Even the song is fairly decent while still not being in my Top 5. I don't think this episode has the strongest morals or the most important character development as I give most of my favorite episodes, but perhaps the comedy and the events just work out enough on their own! It wouldn't be the first time I gave such a high rank to a less-important episode, so let it be known. I give "Hearts and Hooves Day" a full 10/10, as it is indeed something I recommend to people who want to watch an excellent MLP episode. Nice work, ambiguous third party!

 

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What a great little episode about love.

 

....

 

Love.....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

THAT'S IT!

 

How could I be so ignorant! I've been trying so many different ways to fix the Hell Transporter when I forgot the most important ingredient in its repair! LOVE! Everyone knows that transporters to Satan's realm are powered by love! But the question still stands...what kind of love does it need?

 

 

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*SODOMIZES BATTERY COMPARTMENT*

 

IT'S FIXED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!