Oh...God.

 

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Oh, GOD.

 

 

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OH SWEET MOTHER OF GOD!!!

 

I can't believe it! I'm OUT OF COOKIE DOUGH!!!

 

Motherfucker! That was my favorite MLP-watching snack, and now I have to get through this episode without it! Maybe if I down enough booze I'll make it through.

 

Shit...I'm not old enough to drink booze. And booze tastes awful any goddamned way.

 

*Spots the Dark Quivit Army*

 

Oh, you guys are here? I thought y'all were done comin' 'round these parts after I shit all over "Bridle Gossip".

 

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Not the talkative type y'all are? You can watch, I don't care either way. This a spoilers review, so if you haven't seen this episode, you're likely not the Dark Qiviut army.

 

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So this episode opens up with Applejack and Pinkie Pie digging a huge hole in a place somewhere while Twilight and Rainbow Dash try to get Fluttershy outside to enjoy the beautiful dragon migration. However, she doesn't want to watch this because she's scared of big dragons. I'm with Fluttershy on this one, not that I'm scared of dragons, but I've got better shit to do than to fuck around with watching some boring-ass migration. I've got civilizations to destroy and human babies to turn into Chicken McNuggets, screw the migration. So what does Fluttershy do? She gats Dash in the back like a real thug and tails the hell out of there. Twilight would approve of your purple pony ways.

 

360noscope.

 

After the title sequence shatters my liver and turns my mucus into pudding soup and pours itself through my naval cavities, we see that the gang is a little early to the migration. However, this is a good thing because it won't attract attention to the ponies, 'cause you know what happens when dragons get distracted by ponies. Bloodshed. Bloodshed amass. Of course, Rarity shows up attracting PLENTY of attention indeed. The bitch showed up NAKED..............I guess that slut joke doesn't work when everyone's naked. Well, she shows up in FLASHY CLOTHES. That's better.?. No sooner than you can say "puke covered crapcakes smeared on the wall of a mental hospital", the migration begins. Pinkie Pie mentions that dragons are scary AF, which pumps Spike's ego ten fold. That's when everyone does the in-character, mature thing. They laugh at him. GG, cuntfucks. Way to ruin this episode for me already.

 

Yes, eat those cupcakes Spike baked for you while you mock him. I'm sure he didn't poison your asses.

 

Also, Rainbow Dash is laughing at Spike for being girly. Have you seen yourself, Rainbow Dash? Half the fucking fans thought you had a dick before someone referred to you as "she". Why isn't anyone laughing at your dyke-ass? Oh, because everyone should be tolerated? Well then the FUCK are you laughing at Spike for, ya double-standardized bastard! So Spike waddles off in anger and, later that night, begins to wonder where exactly he came from. We get some cool shots of Spike having inner-turmoil before, the next morning, having him and Twilight tear through books on dragons to see where he came from. However, dragons are far too rare to have ever been studied. I sense bullshit, but screw it, we're moving swiftly forward to the point where Spike decides he must go out on his own and figure himself out.

 

Well, he's not coming back. Time to advertise for a new slave.

 

Of course, Twilight, Rarity, and Rainbow Dash decide to follow him. Egh, their inclusion is going to be a drag. I just know it. So we go through this travel montage and finally arrive at...the...Dragon Volcano? I guess? Spike spots the teenage dragons and decides to go mingle with them, because that's what all infant dragons do. We also see the Three Stooges, Twirly, Rarry, and Doe, in a dragon costume. See? Their inclusion is dragging this shit down already. We're gonna get some stupid-ass disguise jokes within the next five minutes. Right after some stupid-ass masculinity jokes from some poorly-drawn animation models disguising themselves as dragons. Disguises and bad character models? Holy shit! This is the 1980's Transformers cartoon! Run for the hills, the shittiness of that show will consume you all!!! Meanwhile, Spike must prove his worth to the dragons by completing a series of tasks. First, a belching contest, then a tail-wrestling thing, followed by king of the hill, and finally a lava-diving contest. After he passes/fails these tests, he is dubbed rookie dragon. Can you do that? Like, can I be dubbed rookie human? ...........Actually, I'm a bad example.....

 

Now, Bumblebee, you are ready to lead.

 

Spike mentions that he could hang with these hoes forever, which worries our three interruptions pony pals. However, things might change when the dragons decide Spike should help them snag some phoenix eggs. Spike is already troubled by taking part in this, but goes along anyway. Lucky Spike, he gets to lure the parents away from the nest. I remember when I lured my parents away from the nest. Seeing them get run over by a military tank in mid-training exercise was quite the hoot-and-a-half. It gave me all the freedom to mince my brother into a chili and serve him to that teacher I hated, and sold my sister to that pimp down on west avenue. I was a devilish little 6-year-old. Spike, on the other hand, has a conscience, and decides this is bullshit. The peer pressure might just get to him, but the phoenix kicks their ass. His dragon pals tempt him to destroy the last egg, but not before his pony pals show up to..........do nothing. SEE? I TOLD YOU THEY WERE A WASTE OF TIME! THEY FUCKING RUN AWAY!

 

WHAT. WAS THE POINT. OF THEIR INCLUSION!??!??!?!?!?!?

 

AFTER THE RETARDS RUN AWAY, THEY HAVE A NICE STUPID HUGGING SESSION, SPIKE LEARNS HIS SHIT LESSON ABOUT PEER PRESSURE AND STEREOTYPES OR SOME SHIT, AND THAT PHOENIX HATCHES AND THEY KEEP HIM AS A PET FOR THE EPILOGUE UNTIL HE'S NEVER SEEN AGAIN AND THEY COMPLETELY WRITE IT OUT OF THE SHOW IN SEASON THREE!!!!!!!!!! AND THAT WAS "DRAGON QUEST"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

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WHAT THE FUthis episode was mediocre.

 

Look. The dragon character models are hideous. This much is true. The stereotypes are cringe-worthy and it doesn't get its morals across in the best way. This much is also true. However, the absolute worst thing in this episode are the ponies. Twilight, Rarity, and Rainbow Dash are thoroughly and utterly useless in this episode, just sitting by and watching only to do nothing. It would've been much better if Spike had just gone out on his own and the ponies were scarcely involved. Even their mocking at the beginning could've been cut and nothing would've been lost. Just one character to pursue his existential crisis and then off on his own to learn his own lessons. Then he comes back home completely on his own terms. Then this episode would've at least been decent. There's still the shitty models and stereotypes to clean up, but it still would have been decent. The ponies tired, flanderized, and pointless inclusions, however, make "Dragon Quest" a distasteful experience. It doesn't piss me off as much as "Secret of My Excess", the real shit Spike episode from season two, but it's still not good. I'm inclined to give "Dragon Quest" a 5/10.

 

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Episode 21 was not very good, was it? Especially after the streak of great episodes that preceded it, save for "It's About Time"....

 

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*Peaks outside for Dark Qiviut Army*

 

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They left? I didn't even offer them any cake. Well, their loss.

 

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WAIT! HOLY SHIT! WE'RE ON EPISODE 21!

 

There's only four more episodes until the finale of season two!!!! We're almost done with this season!

 

Holy Christ did this fly by. It feels like just yesterday I was praising Discord in that kickass premiere, but here we are. Join me, pony people, as I review these last few episodes of the second season in...

 

...the season two wrap-up of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yes, I'm doing this for every season.....except maybe the fifth, 'cause fuck that piece of shit.