Upon realizing I had to sign up for the draft when I turned 18 yesterday, this song muddled my mind for hours on end:

 

 

You're welcome. This is "Pinkie Apple Pie".

 

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This episode opens up with Twilight reading books (holy shit, how out-of-left-field, I did NOT expect that at all) on genealogy, when Pinkie Pie interrupts her because of the pinksplaining epidemic. That's when Pinkie Pie finds out that she is a relative of Applejack and her family. You know, this actually does make for an interesting premise, despite how vapid it is in theory. I mean, we're into the fourth season of the show, so we've become attached to these characters long enough that some trivial revelation like this could make for an entertaining episode.

 

...Let's see how they fuck it up. After the title sequence sequences the titular theme...............err, with herpes-infected kidneys.............we here Apple Bloom's voice has undergone serious puberty when she screams that she has "another sister" in Pinkie Pie. If you ever watch this episode, for fucks sake, she sounds like a 14 year old boy with tonsillitis on those lines. Perhaps fitting, considering I think Michelle Creber was about 14 or 15 during the recording process of the fourth season, maybe she needed to readjust her voice with her newfound deep-as-fuck bass voice. Probably pretty quick, too, because the rest of her dialogue sounds like typical Apple Bloom. I call h4x, report her to the cyberpolice. Anyways, Applejack becomes a little skeptical of the authenticity of the genealogy report given the last sentence about "pie" is smudged, so the Apples plus Pinkie Pie try to figure out how to find out for sure.

 

Ooh! Ooh! I know! How about Pinkie Pie and Big Mac have sex, and then if their baby is born with a hundred-million defects, you know it was incest!

 

Alas, they don't try that (damn it), and instead seek out Cousin Golden Delicious out in the boonies and her cabin full of Apple Family history. So they pack for a family road trip! Sounds like ass, but before they go, Applejack informs the rest of the family that she wants Pinkie Pie to see the best sides of her new family, so that everyone be on their best behavior. Sounds like ass, but now it's time to hit the road with the epic musical number that is "Apples to the Core". Yeah, this one stands as one of the best Ingram songs too. It's no "Bats!", but it's still well orchestrated and written. I will say that there's a noticeably annoying reuse of some animation cycles in repeating sections of the number that's...well...annoying, and just comes off as lazy, but fuck it. Immediately at the end of the song, the Apple family wagon snaps, leaving all of our characters stranded.

 

I think packing the trombone was a bit much...

 

Alas, when the Apples face this kind of tomfuckery, they try to hide their arguments from Pinkie Pie. Since they can't just head back to Sweet Apple Acres after coming this far, they decide to tread it out to Golden Delicious by way of river raft. When they reach a fork in the.....river.....they need the map to figure out which way to go. However, Apple Bloom tries to pander to fans by reciting her own version of the Twilightlicious thing, henceforth dropping the map in the river, and further providing more low-key aggression in the Apple unit. Granny Smith assures everyone that she knows the way to go, but everyone else lacks confidence. Maybe they need to get a

! Except their lack of confidence was correct, and they all endured the scariest cave in Equestria for it, leading Applejack and Granny Smith to have a fight that results in the loss of their raft's steering wheel. Not that it matters, considering they were headed for a waterfall anyway.

 

....Maybe they should've just assumed Pinkie Pie was right about the report and moved on?

 

After miraculously surviving the waterfall, the rundown Apples plus a perky Pinkie Pie finally make it to Golden Delicious' cabin. It will be fucking hilarious if they went through all that bullshit for nothing and that she wasn't home or something.

 

...Oh, shit, okay, so, Golden Delicious really isn't home when the Apples get there. Well, fuck. This gives Pinkie Pie plenty of time to go find more scrapbook paper. As Apple Bloom says "worst family road trip ever" in that super-smooth Morgan Freeman voice, everyone realizes that they're bullshit has gone too far and they start apologizing to each other. Applejack suggests that if they find out Pinkie is an apple, she might not want to be one after all of this, but Pinkie says "fuck that, you niggaz is family, boi". So after they're all finished sapping up like something straight out of Full House, Golden Delicious finally decides to show her ass. Inside, they learn that the page is smudged at her cabin too. How exhilarating! That's when Applejack realizes that Pinkie Pie is an Apple to the core because she put up with their bullshit. So they all grouphug like something straight out of Full House.

 

The thought of Pinkie Pie being an Uncle Jesse makes me wanna puke.

 

After a reprise of "Apples to the Core", they all go home to talk about the experience. Applejack prepares to write in the journal that being a family is about being able to forgive each other for mistakes as well as sticking it through to the end and shit. Of course, the family can't agree on who should write in the journal....which is odd, I thought the journal was just for the elements of harmony. Oh well, Pinkie Pie makes one last joke before the closing credits, and upon realizing there's not enough material in the epilogue for me to extend into another paragraph and then a closing screencap with caption, I extended this sentence out to become the longest thing since that one hair that extends from the asshole of Kevin James, with the addition of inferences to genitalia and deadly diseases. Angle to side of sauce.

 

Well, that was necessary.

 

So concludes "Pinkie Apple Pie"

 

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A rather solid episode I'd say. I mean, it's nothing to ride home about, but it's certainly nice. Throwing this kind of wrench into the dynamic of Applejack and Pinkie Pie was certainly a smart move on the writers' part to give these two more of a reason to coexist with one another. I don't think Applejack and Pinkie Pie really interacted all that much before, and for pretty good reason. Pinkie Pie's insane and Applejack's more boring sensible. So it's certainly nice that we'll see more of these two working together in the future. Otherwise, the pacing, structure, and moral of this story is all rather standard issue "stamp-of-approval" grade. The only things I could possibly criticize this episode for is a lack of any strong individual character development, but the only reason that doesn't exist is because this episode is all about character dynamic rather than any one character's journey. Applejack, Apple Bloom, Pinkie Pie, Granny Smith, and Big Mac all shared prominence in this episode because it was all about how these five were going to overcome trials together. And there's even a great song to go on top of it all. I suppose "Pinkie Apple Pie" deserves an 8/10 as a result.

 

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Here we are. I'm a legal adult that can legally sodomize anything I want. It's like the doors of heaven and hell opened up at the same time. It's brilliant. Well, I'm off to enjoy a little bit of freedom before "the man" starts oppressing me or some bullshit. Tune next week when it finally hits me that I'm 18 years old and still reviewing....

 

My Little Pony...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Friendship...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

is...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Friendship...