The Church of Celestia - Summer 2014
Continuing a daily blogs series covering some lighthearted moments in MLPF history, this one will mostly center on one specific member here that some will recall, and others should find the time to appreciate. @Kel_Grym. Also known as Minister Kel Grym of the Church of Celestia.
During the MLPF World Cup pony picture posting poll (yes I forced alliteration on you all ... and I don't feel the least bit bad), I kept seeing a user who joined just a few weeks before me occasionally popping in with a hilarious comment or two. I liked this guy almost immediately. Who was Kel? Imagine Robin Williams crossed with Gary Busey and a dash of internet troll DNA spliced in. He was, simply put, fucking hilarious. He was also clever. He could poke fun of the fandom at the same time poking fun of himself. He was also a capable debater and had a gift with satire and absurdity. There are many members that have slipped away, and Kel's humor is some I miss the most. I can tell you that he probably made the staff go prematurely grey because some of his content was definitely pushing the edge of shitposting and what have you, but from the perspective of the casual member here ... he could always made a rough day better with his insanity.
The Church of Celestia
After seeing a topic on 4chan about waifu weddings, among other things, Kel was inspired to create an thread in the Forum Lounge with a title that is perhaps the only boring thing about it:
Minister KelGrym's Religious Services. Even though I will highlight the best quotes in here, I think everyone should just pop in and read the content for its creative frivolity. I say that in full knowledge that Key would have had Celestia banish be for implying anything about her was frivolous. His 'origin' story was freaking hilarious. It boils down to him being saved by Celestia after being attacked by a Gary Busey tumored hell hound. No I did not make that up. Post is here and spoilered below
It was back when I first moved in with my Aunt. I was feeling pretty down and I had to walk back and forth between home and work, because I didn't have a car back then. (I have one now, but it broke down, so I still have to walk.)
I suppose it was around 3 am, as I was walking on the road, in the dead of night. I got this creepy sensation that I was being followed and started to walk a bit faster. As I did so, I was alarmed by the sudden sound of claws clicking on the pavement behind me.
I turned around and beheld something horrible. A rabid dog that had a peculiar tumor growing out of the side of its head. The thing must have stood at least 4 1/2 ft tall to the shoulder and appeared to be some mix breed between Rottweiler and Pegomastax. It frothed at the mouth and stunk like milk that had been left in the fridge back when "rock n roll" was just a fun game Maud would have liked.
Despite all this, I couldn't help but be drawn to its tumor.
Its growth had a startling resemblance to Gary Busey.
Now, at this point and time, I should have had the sense to run, but I was tired and not thinking clearly, so I walked up to the dog's tumor to ask for an autograph. (It really was an uncanny resemblance) However, I came to regret this enormous lapse in judgement. When the mongrel snapped at me, I realized that this was how it must have drew in his prey. Not unlike an angler fish, it set out the bait and I suckered right into it. The spell of surreality was lifted from me, and with a burst of adrenaline, I ran.
And then I tripped. (Leg cramped.)
The rabid dog with the fetching growth pounced upon me and I held it at bay the best I could. I took out a pen I had on me to get his tumor's autograph and jabbed it into the creature's eye, which promptly bled asparagus for some reason.
The creature was unfazed and began to torment me by quoting Ayn Rand.
Just as I thought I was doomed, something unbelievable happened.
The sun began to rise.
I would have been concerned about the astronomical consequences of such a phenomena, however at the time I was in the middle of shitting myself.
Not because of the demon dog above me that was busy trying to tear my throat out.
But because SHE descended from the heavens.
When I saw her,
(also completely forgot that I soiled myself)
The air cleared the dust from beneath her hooves, and with each step I swore I could hear the earth moan in ecstasy, as she approached the foul demon. Her beauty was incomprehensible, and I could not help but feel as if I was too dirty a thing to look upon her. The warmth I felt from her presence filled my mind with forgotten sunny days of a bygone era before roads of men cut through the forests and when dryads sang by the river banks to drunken Buddhist aliens that used to come to Earth, before the industrial revolution killed the tourist vibe.
I didn't know what to make of any of it. It was too amazing. Too fantastical. But it was happening.
That foul demon cowered before her and attempted to flee, but to no avail. It was lifted up with her magic as easily as one might pull the plug from their great grandmother's life support when she needs that extra push, and the creature was promptly turned into a banana.
I was too stunned to say anything. She approached and I turned away, curling into a fetal position, praying that she might have mercy on my unworthy soul.
Then I heard her speak.
"Rise, Kel Grym, you have nothing to fear," she said.
"I-I cannot," I replied back.
"Oh? Why not?" she asked.
And then I said, "I think I shit my britches."
There was an awkward pause.
Finally she said, "Ew..."
Even the way she crinkled up her nose was a glorious act, full of enough beauty to fill an entire library of poetry.
"Well, I suppose I should make this quick then. I've chosen you to spread my glory amongst the people of your world. You'll begin a ministry in my name, and I shall reward you in the afterlife with 37 pony virgins."
I was foolish and asked, "Only 37? Why not 72?"
She reproached me with a glower that blistered my soul and said, "Don't get greedy."
I groveled my apologies.
"Ok, ok that's enough, I have to get going. There's a diplomatic meeting on Cybertron I can't be late too. Spread word of my glory, for I shall be coming soon to rid the world of evil and other not-so-very-nice things. Ta-Ta!"
And as suddenly as she came, she left.
Around this point and time I woke up in my bed.
It had appeared, that everything that transpired was a dream, and I was greatly disappointed at first. What a vivid dream it was! And it wasn't real? I felt sad, and alone. The glory of the dream only accentuated the empty existential crisis of my life. I lost my will to go on...
But then I noticed something!
There was a banana on my chest! And not just any banana, but the very same banana that the demon dog was transformed into! How do I know this? Simple. The brown spots on the banana formed an image of Gary Busey.
It was a miracle! Not a dream, but a vision! I knew what my purpose in life was, and quickly made my plans to register as a minister with the ULC, to further the glory of Celestia.
I kept the banana in a lockbox as a memento, to remind me that
I'm not crazy Celestia will always be there watching over me. Unfortunately, I didn't have a camera at the time, so I couldn't take a photo of said banana, and by now it's been rotting in the lock box for a few months. I have to perfume it and light incense around it to keep the smell in check.
And that, my dear friend, is how I became an Ordained Minister of Celestia.
My reaction to reading that was jumping between "What the hell did I just read?" and this:
That was a typical reaction to a Kel post.
Rules of Celestia
The rules and commandments were simple.
Guidelines for Membership:
- Place your right hand over your heart and with your left hand, ball it into a fist, extend your index finger and hold index finger over your head as if it were a unicorn horn.
- Repeat the Celestian Oath.
- Uphold the Celestian Commandments.
- Help your Celestian brothers and sisters and the brony community in general.
Love and Tolerate
The Celestial Commandments
- Thou shalt have no other Goddess before the Trinity. (Celestia, Luna, Twilight)
- Thou may have Luna and Twlight to worship, but thou shalt worship mostly Celestia.
- Cadence shall not be worshipped at all. Screw Cadence.
- Thou shalt be Honest
- Thou shalt be Loyal to thy brethren and friends. (but not above thy loyalty to Celestia)
- Thou shalt be Kind
- Thou shalt be Generous
- Thou shalt be Optimistic in Life, for Celestia is coming quickly and shall end all woe.
- Thou shalt freely enjoy the Magic of Friendship, and share that joy in the name of Celestia.
- Thou shalt never waste a slice of cake.
The inside joke with Cadance pays off later when he marries Cadance to a member. Which brings me to the best thing about this whole thread.
Tubby Wubby Pony Waifu Weddings
How this worked, if I remember correctly, is that you would request that Kel marry you to your pony waifu, volunteering yourself to basically be part of the hilarity. He would schedule a time and create a Skype chat group with friends and witnesses. Someone would play the part of cannon characters (including the bride :P), and he would - in hilarious fashion - conduct the wedding. There are still members who post here that received his services. @Flutter Baby <3 and @C.B married Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie respectively. I personally loved the Pinkemena and Cadance weddings.
And in the midst of all this, Scootaloo beat Celestia in a crazy come from behind win in the MLPF World Cup. This was the response.
OH NO NO NO! I DONT THINK SO!
How did Celestia, CELESTIA, lost to freaking Scootaloo and Pinkie Pie? I mean, Pinkie Pie I can kinda understand, but SCOOTALOO!!!
[Long string of explatives]
No, seriously, why didn't anyone tell me about this? I didn't even get to cast in a vote!
One day...I will have my vengeance.
From now on I declare a Holy Crusade in the name of Celestia.
RUE THE DAY YOU CROSSED ME MLPFIFA TOURNAMENT!!!
I will come down from the clouds with thunder and lightning and rip a hole through the earth beneath your feet and plunge you down into the depths of Tarturus so hard, it will send shock-waves through he multiverse!!!
Now, its worth mentioning that while Kel was hilarious at the time, he has gone through over a year of personal hell that he mentioned in his blog. He admits that all this was funny, but he no longer endorses it. That said, it was part of why I found MLPF an entertaining and unpredictable place to engage, and Kel's topic remains a huge part of why I look back on that time with fond memories. We once talked about launching a fake Religious Civil War between the Church of Celestia and the Congregation of Fabulosity, but my becoming staff made that problematic so it was canned. Anyway, it was a fun few moments on here of crazy, and I for one appreciated it. Where ever you are Kel, good luck to you man. Maybe we will see you grace us again.
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