The last several months of my life have been absolutely surreal and life-changing. I will never, ever be the same, nor do I wish to be how I once was.

When God himself visits you in the dark of night, and shows you how long wandered from him, you can never be the same.

When your social circle collapses, your grades plummet through the floor, your family splinters into pieces, your belief system shatters, and your self-esteem drops like a rock, you can never, EVER, be the same.

Mankind, you see, is stuck in this loop. This loop of constant self-gratification, distraction, and ignorance of the upper nature of the universe. We live to die, trying to enjoy the most of the life we get here.

That's how I was. Until I saw that my life was a bunch of smoke and mirrors...and realized that the things I thought I cared about didn't actually matter.

When you see the devil face-to-face, it snaps you out of that cycle. It gives you meaningful perspective, and shows you the very root of your pain.

Everyone suffers in silence...let's not deny it. We all have issues, we all have faults. But if you're lucky enough to be so succumbed by your faults that you realize they aren't really you...it is probably the best thing that could ever happen to you.

If you suffer, it is no one else's fault. No one put you in your unfortunate circumstances. They just happened. If you can accept the fact that you were put in these circumstances by nature and it happened for your very growth...then it is very easy to forgive yourself.

I have long held anger and resentment in my heart. I have long felt hurt and suppressed. I have long been backed up against a corner, hating myself for being there.

But it is not YOUR fault, the reader, that I am here. And I am NOT a victim...so much as my mind says I'm not. I absolutely CAN change my attitude toward life and not hold anger toward another human being...because I was always worthy of being forgiven, and was never actually hurt in the first place.

The hurt just existed in my head. Remove those toxic emotions from myself, and I become new. My reality completely changes, and my real self emerges. It was as if I was never angry in the first place...as if I was always light on my feet with nothing I could possibly be bothered by.

I don't have to be an antisocial loser, because I never was one outside of my own delusion. The delusions that plague so many people cause them to hesitate and be miserable in their lives. If I have any room for self-forgiveness (and I do), then there is no reason to be unhappy and bitter.

I have been depressed and anxious for the last several months and refused to move at all, fearful of myself and what was to become of me. But now I know that the root cause of my depression was my own self-doubt and deep hole of shame that chained me down for so long and held me prisoner in my own body.

Thank you, Lord, for showing me the light. Allow me to find myself again.