I have thought about what I wanted too say here alot. And in genral I feel like it will sound mostly depressing. But that doesn't represent how I actually feel. Most days I am acttually pretty content, if not entirley happy. If you care too commentt and offer advice, I apreciate that. If not than that's fine as well.
For a long time, several years in fact, I have been very angry and sad. Nothing in particular in most cases. I just hated evreybody and everything. I was mad at people, even when they didn't do something wrong. And I just felt like punching something evry waking moment. Then I became very sad.
I didn't feel like doing anything. I just wanted tooo stay in my room all day and nevr come out. It took me awhile too both realize, and accept why this was. Now I do beilve I can pretty easily trace the routue cause. I was bullied throughout the entiretey of elementary school. Nobody, not students, not teachers ever did anything. And without getting into do too certain things that happend in that time I found it very hard too trust people afterwards.
Which is why I hated everyone. What if they were the next person too pick on me? I was very paranoid because of this. Which is why I avoided everyone. It's also the reason why none of my teachers and classmates like me back then. And beilve me it's very easy too tell when a teacher doesn't like you.
Prohaly about two years ago I started watching videos from The Bible Reloaded and DarkMatter2525, atheist youtube channels. And after awhile I started too agree and understand what they were saying. Eventually I became an atheist. And man what a burden was lifted off my shoulders. When I was still catholic I always felt like a weight was bearing down on me. And it was such a relif too no longer have it their.
Probaly around the same time I also started too understand liberal politics. Ot was also around the time that I realized how homophobic I was, so because of that I became the progressive I am now. Maybe about eight months ago I realized I was very unhappy with myself. I felt horrible. I was mean, angry, and too be honest very sad.
I finnaly decided that I was sick of being angry all the time. And slowly and gradually I became better. I was less negative, more patient and I was actually worried about how I impacted other people.
I'm still not perfect. I am still very mean sometimes, and way more negative then I should be. But I have finnaly realized what was holding me back from any more improvment. I am self aware of my actions. Too a degree that I never was before. It's a good thing, it allows me too recognize when I've done something too screw up. But it also shows me how far I have too go.
The last piece is the fact that I am extremley introverted. I actually took a personality test a few weeks ago, and the result I got was INTJ. Which I have taken the same personality test before at least seven times. And I have gotten the same result everytime. Anyways the description given for INTJ actually described me pretty well.
Before I get too that I have too say something first. I did used too be very shy. And alot of that shyness did come from fear of roducule from my pears. But now I don't really care what they think. As long as I'm nott bullied it doesn't matter. I just don't enjoy being around people. I am someone who gets fatigued after large social gatherings. And I don't feel at home at partys.
In gneral I prefer to be by myself. The only people I interact with reguarly is my family. And even then I really only talk too my older brother. One thing that the personaloty test said was that INTJ's if they found someone they cared about they tried too make the relationship work. And that is actually pretty true of me. If I evre do find someone I actually want too be friends with, I will do evrything I can too not screw it up.
A part of that is expecting who I am. Too be honest I am pretty weird. And for awhile that bothered me. But now I have come too terms with it. I have gotten too a point where if someone just trys too make small talk with me, and I say something weird, and they no longer talk too me, I won't be discouraged by it. At the end of the day I can't really help how I'm percieved. I think most people think I'm weird. Weird in that they think I'm creepy. Which is probaly because I nevr smile and too be honest am still a bit paranoid about other people.
Another thing is that I have decided that I am okay with just having casual online friends. Maybe that's pathtic but that's kind of the best levvel of friendship. Occasonaly talking, and maybe it eventually meaning more. And being friends with another extremley introverted person probaly wouldn't work out. Though I guess it would depend on wbat we'd do togther.
Lastly I want too apoligize for all of the crap I've done on this site. I was mean, disrespectful, and angry at the people here. That was wrong of me. At the time I didn't think so, but now I realize my mistake. I can't take back what I said. And apolgizing too everyone won't make it right. But from now on I am going too make an efoort too, quit frankly, not be an asshole.
I can't be the person who cares about everyone problems, does evrything they can too fix them. That just isn't me, but I do at least want too be the person who doesn't do anything too make it worse, and pottentially make it better. I've decided that it isn't a bad idea too build a name for myself online. At least in that I want too be percieved as someone is compassonite.
Which is why I am doing reviews in these blogs. I can't draw, I can't write, and any type of video I made would probaly scuk, so even if it's small I want too at least contrivute something. I also want too get more active in this fandom. I do get the impression that the people on this site, and the fandom in general as actually full of pretty nice people. Lastly I have realized that apart of the reason I used too feel so depressed was because I never did anything.
I also hate too admit it, but I'm fat. Not that fat, but J defintly need too lose like twenty plus pounds. Along with excercising more this summer I've decided too write reviews, read more, learn too draw, learn too play the guitar, actually try writing some stories I've been working on, because all of those things will keep me mentally or'mphyscially active. And that's a lot better than doing nothing. I also think that will make me feel a lot better, and help too build my self confidence.
Anyways that's all I have for now. Time kind of got away from me today. And with finals right now I also have a lot of studying too do. I think I will try writing the review for Parental Glidance tommorw. If not tommorow then for sure on Thursday. And from now on I will write reviews for mlp on Tuesdays, with the reviews appearing Friday at the latest