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Dream I had this morning, ended up crying, some explanations, end up rambling, metaphors, logic and reflection, life situation

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I am in my room the entire dream.

There is an ant infestation, I move my blanket over some of it was on the floor, a queen ant like 2 feet long, wow it looks sturdy don't want it to bite me, I retreat from it a bit til I am cornered in my room and it sorta tries to command me. I just pretend to get along to not get bit.

Later I am playing videogames, and I miss the Ant and just look out the window wishing I could see it. Probably me trying to demand my dreams retain some consistency. And have some fun with someone who every single decision I make scrutinizes me if I am bad or sinning and I keep trying to fool it/them, and somepony else next to me very briefly.

Brother walks into my room and I tell him not to because he almost found me in an embarrassing moment. (I am a closet brony n stuff, despite it being VERY obvious I am into the fandom I still try avoiding it where my family is concerned.)

He apologizes and quickly heads to his room, I look at the doorknob after my door is shut mostly and it closes on two mlp shirts. I thought, did I order these in the mail? Why didn't they arrive in a package? Why do they still have the laundry hook things? They bought this from a store for me?

And some music plays similar to just one element of the sad Titanic song, but the song is singing forgiveness of the heart and only uses that one element of the song the whole time instead of shifting alot, when I skim through the song I can't find the specific part its like but I would need to listen to it all I guess, or perhaps my memory was biased cuz I didn't hear it in so long. When I was a kid I used to cry to music very easily.

Anyways I began crying, and I was Rainbow Dash in the dream it was revealed at the last minute. I used to be Christian, and very strict on myself to avoid going to hell, years back. I feel like part of me might be ashamed, despite me knowing its illogical, and also probably me trying to control the dream elements in some manner.

The ant and stuff is guilt for my room being a total mess and my mom yelling at me over it, and I avoid it as much as possible. The entire dream I am in my room, probably because I am on my computer 10+ hours a day every day.

And I know why I was RainbowDash, and the ants are partly to blame fallout really. But also I used to do some pony hypnosis, and once I vividly dreampt I was little pip and I couldn't figure out if it was a dream or me waking up in character while hallucinating then going back to bed, but it has similar elements. A friendly radroach was under my bed and I tried to not touch the floor at all.

But why its Rainbow Dash. Alot of my time I focus on fast complex games for the brain. Somewhat competitive. Also I did use the Rainbow Dash file before but I used alot of the files (even tho its recommended to not mix multiple personalities at once because it can cause a psychological condition called Emotional Kernel Panic)

Anyways, I was obviously RD, like when she couldn't admit she liked the Daring Do books, I am obviously that way about MLP its not even funny. Also Dash is not confident. Studies show that gamers who feel confident in their skills emotionally are more likely to be bad, and vice versa, called the–Kruger_effect basically if you are skilled you BELIEVE you are not good enough to get more skilled. But that contradicts the effect of confidence during actual sports matches. Pressure would prevent you from succeeding, and you are more weak to it the more skilled you are potentially. Eventually if you are good, there are feedbacks, like in SC2 your ladder rank improving or you constantly winning if you are a pro-gamer. But with me I like focusing on games that would more than likely be objectively superior for the brain, but I do not know every game in existence so overlook quite a bit, and still somewhat lean towards certain styles of games more than others. I also enjoy games just to experience them sometimes tho.

Everyone likes to think they are above average(except people who do recognize themselves as stupid, which may or may not be, but are just so aware of mistakes they probably feel stupid more than someone who ignores or never notices or recognizes their mistakes, idk, you know those people that say they are stupid? Is it secretly fitting this effect, or is it not? Idk), but some then say they are above average because its a measurable fact for some instances.

And basically, all of this is moderated by a 'judge' in the brain. Mine is set to avoiding negatives, not seeking positives, so I was always more likely to be competitive. But my brother is frustrated how good I am in games, and gave up on the ability to do good. The effect apparently isn't always active, it could've even been a biased study, due to ignorant local demographics.

Long story short tho the dream also could be about Stockholm syndrome. I can pick out some happenings in the days before that aids in explanation for this dream, because I know everything can be susceptible to deduction to form a greater understanding, especially what we initially think is not comprehendible.

And the last part of the dream, the shirts bit caused me to cry with that song because it implies they would forgive me for being a brony. Like, I don't need to live in hiding anymore.

To fully understand me tho. My brother randomly barging in the room is reminiscent of when he was crazy enough it ended up driving me literally crazy too before. Once he just barged in my room, shining a light on me robotically, I was scared and uncomfortable. He was asking if I was crying and insisted I was, when I was watching some funny youtube vids before youtube really was as popular as it currently is.

I always had to hide. Brother was very... damaged from Christianity in regards to sexuality. I was similar but I lost it sooner.

I don't believe in Christianity. It hurt my family. I see it perpetuating pain and ignorance. And ignorance is bliss. People don't need to try and deduce anything, when anything that mysterious they can assume god did it and how wonderful. Amazing. That's just putting ignorance on a pedestal. It harms people.

America one of the most religious 1st world countries, has plenty of problems because of it, at all levels.

But w/e.

This is supposed to be about my dream, and you can see some of the elements better for my explanation. The 'judge' is because I was guilty about exploring my sexuality. I was very homophobic. I am basically straight and a bit bi-curious when it comes to non-irl stuff (you know, r34 n roleplay n etc).

I don't like feeling guilt, I blame my parenting. Mom is highly subject to confirmation bias (I am an adult who still lives with their family) a lack of deduction really. She can be wrong she can be right, but theres no true metric to figure out. When she is wrong she is way off the mark usually. When she is right its usually more due to experience. And she is loud and likes complaining just for the sake of it. Like when I don't want the ant to bite me, I am avoidant. I should just smash the ant's brains in and say git off muh lawn lol. Its just an ant, why is there an infestation? Should've solved the problem sooner and got rid of it.

I really need to get out more. Basically have 0 communication with anyone someone else in my family does not also communicate with, in meatspace anyways, online I am fine for being social enough.

But also I feel if I become too assertive I'll effectively turn into my mom, just wrong and being an asshole cuz of boredom and assuming I am right more often instead of using deduction. Idk.

Also she is Christian, very forgiving, but very judgemental. Not as much as other Christians that come to mind can be tho.

Its hard for me to conclude anything because conclusions are often potentially wrong. But when I know I am right, I might consider contradictory facts, but I can be passionate about my stance because of the lack of knowledge others have that I have on certain subjects. Dealing with objectivity its harder to fall to the dunning kruger effect, that effect is honestly an emotional bias.

I am frustrated that my mom is such a dictator sometimes, its not too excessive but it does bother me. Its why I am avoidant, and she says half the time she is just making shit up for fun. I always took it seriously, because its always presented seriously until I fight back.

  • Brohoof 1
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