I couldn't really think of a good title -_- *sigh* There's no easy way of saying this, but lately, I have not been feeling myself. I've been contemplating on talking about this for a while, but after being inspired by Jeric's recent blog, I feel it is time for me to really open up and tell you what is wrong with me.

First off, and I'm going to be pretty frank here, but behind my upbeat sounding username and cheerful avatars and signatures lies a somewhat ugly truth: I am not happy. I haven't felt truly happy for a long time.  Now you're probably wondering 'Why are you unhappy?' Well, a lot of things, but I'm only going to focus on the three biggest.

Loneliness

Loneliness is a bitch... and I think that's an understatement. Most of my life, I've struggled with loneliness. Even though I enjoy the occasional "alone time," it's growing less enjoyable and more unbearable. I want to have more friends and possibly even a girlfriend. One of my resolutions this year is to be more social... and I'm failing miserably at it. Every time I try to be social, loneliness keeps me chained up. Whenever I'm with friends, family, or anyone I know, I just lock up mentally with a bored expression on my face... just like Maud Pie.

I think my inability to be social stems from the fact that I have Asperger's Syndrome (or whatever it's called now), which is a "mild" form of Autism. I also have a difficult with eye-contact and maintaining a conversation because of ASD. Most of the time, I just stay silent, fearing I might put my foot in my mouth. No matter how hard I try to be social, loneliness always has me by the throat.

Disappointment

This is something I've been bottling up for a while now but I can't handle disappointment as well as I thought. Disappointment for me is like a nuke going off and everyone I'm near gets caught in the blast and fallout. There are countless times where I've been disappointed with myself and others. Usually I'm disappointed with myself. It's probably because I'm a 26 year old single adult who still lives with his mother and still works a minimum wage job. It just feels like I can't accomplish anything in my life... at least not without help. There are also times I've been disappointed with others, even when it was no big deal. For example, the Season 5 finale "The Cutie Remark" disappointed me so much that killed my interest in MLP for an entire year! Eventually I gained the interest back, but I still fear I'll get that one episode or moment that'll disappoint me beyond repair. It's no wonder I still haven't seen the movie.

I try my best to keep expectations as low as possible, but even then, I still find a way to get disappointed. I don't know why I feel this way. It feels like I'm still a kid...

Stagnation

A couple months ago, I turned 26. Then something dawned on me: my life is in a rut. In fact, 2017 was probably my most stagnant year in a while. It feels like all I do is wake up, eat, drink, shower, work, sit on the Internet, gym, and sleep every day and year. Occasionally, there's some exciting event like a vacation or a concert, but those are very few and fond. I think the reason for my life stagnating is my lack of ambition and having no goals. Thinking about the future always overwhelms me. Hell, when I was in third grade, my teacher asked me what's my goal in life and I said "my goal is to not have goals." Looks like that statement has bit me in the butt. Also, whenever I try to pursue a hobby or any interest of mine, thinking that maybe this might be my career, I always burn out on it. Looks like I'll be a busboy for the next 40 some years. However, if there's one thing I want to accomplish, it's a relationship... which, of course, I'm also failing miserably at. Maybe I should just embrace my loneliness... no, I can't give in loneliness!

I actually did start a new hobby last year in the form of Musical Manslaughter, in which I rant on music. However, I don't think that'll last long as my other hobbies...  

There are a lot of other things wrong with me, but I don't feel like explaining every single one. These include:

• Bad communicating
• Bad (or selective) memory
• Laziness
• Sensory issues (don't tickle me)
• Addicted to the Internet (especially here at MLPForums)
• Difficulty feeling empathetic/sympathetic
• Easily frustrated and overwhelmed
• Low Self-esteem

So that's wrong with me. This is something I've wanted to get off my chest for a while now and I'm glad I did. I can breathe again. This is not the lowest I've been in my life, that was 2010-2014. Now before you ask, no, I don't need your help. It's not like you can come to my house and hug me (though that would be nice.) These are things I should deal with on my own. Sorry for my incessant rambling but I felt like I needed get this out of the way. Woohoo out.