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2014-2016, 2016-2017 and now


碇 シンジン

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Note: I dont mention any names in this text because im not sure if i can face myself but if you know me you know what im talking about

 

i dont really know what happened but somehow im feeling that im drifting away from something that i shouldnt drift away from ? its like wanting to hold onto something but still move forward? i think i've been testing the waters for about year or a half now and  its starting to feel that i've kinda lost myself in the process and it feels kinda uncomfortable.

Part of the reason that i been more active here these days is that i been trying to get a hold of myself but the more i come across the things i used to do the more it kinda conficts with the way i do them now and im not really sure which way of doing things is for the better?

Am i really the person who i used to be anymore at the same time it feels that i am but it also feels that i am not and im not really. But I dont really like the reasoning that i gave myself to do all these things. I've been trying to lie myself and try to start over and hide from myself and i kinda played along for awhile but now i see how messed up that was and at the end nothing feels right anymore? 

but was all this for the better? did i grow from all of this? perhaps but i cannot undo all the crap that happened. One thing is for sure and that is that im still too insecure about myself to really act the way i would like to at certain times. I cave into my own pressure or create some kind of illusion where i live because i cant face the things as they are.

Here is how it all started

I didnt really mean anything to happen but  as time went on i suppose i started believing my own lies and it kind of a created the root of the whole situation that is going on with me .At heart i didnt truly accept anything i denied myself because of what i expected the expectations would be  for a while i i didnt act at all i wasnt going either way it was a standstill this was early 2014 as i learned more about who i am through channel of discoveries through exploration of myself i liked it and didnt want anything else to interfere. So i shut off everything else and put 100% into this new thing that was giving me joy. It was an illusion a bubble i realized it soon enough but because things were working out i didnt want it to change.

The time went on and i grew more and more attached to the illusion and it really started to derail my emotional balance which i had been trying to keep intact about those times i realized that i cant keep it together any longer. so i started the damage control and widened the foundation and shared the resources so everything doesnt focus on the same  section it started slowly but but after some time both sections were operating  and well  things were going well in the illusion again i regained myself and i was able to continue. 

After some time though the growth on both sections was not stopping and it was taking significant resources to keep it going and i knew that i couldnt keep them both as i didnt have the capacity to keep them both alive then i decided that i would go with the more stable one and let the other slow down a bit this was around 2016 or something as it slowed down i kinda started losing the illusion i kept in there aswell. I couldnt get back in there anymore it would never be like it was back then  i realized that and i didnt know what to do.

Some time passed and i started really get uncomfortable because my illusion wasnt there as  strongly as before  i started doubting myself and the illusion.  after that i desided to separate the illusion and myself for good but now the place was truly lost for me  i didnt have anything there anymore. everything was in that illusion. i had only the other section to keep me going . but deep down i couldnt really give up the illusion it had established a big part of me and i didnt really know anything better of myself  so at this point i kinda started losing myself aswell  and the rift between the illusion and the new me became even deeper. It has become even more unclear to me who i am? and does the illusion or new me even define who i am? 

 

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