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Broken


碇 シンジン

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I haven't felt like this in a while it's like an empty feeling though I really cannot say what is empty and what isn't sometimes my personality feels completely different and sometimes it feels like I don't have any personality at all? Am I really alright? Or am I holding myself hostage? Maybe what I think I am ist really me and that is actually someone else and I am somewhere else entirely? Or am i hiding in the background? Is all of this a conscious choice that I'm not aware of ?

It seems like my sense of self is kinda strongly established during the day but some things around me are fracturing that identity these days and the later it gets the more uncertain I become about everything. 

It feels like there is a constant struggle in my head some days I cannot really come up with anything those days and doing anything is kinda a hard stretch it just doesn't feel like anything.

Somethings compel me to act certain ways but do I really act like that myself? Or is that something that because someone else was acting on my behalf like that and now I cannot distinguish them from myself anymore?  

Can other people really act as Me? Or am I creating those people myself? If I am are they different people from me or do they really count as Me? 

Even simple tasks sometimes require lot of work before I can complete them but some days I can complete them like they were nothing. Is the person who is completing the tasks me? Do I have difficulty completing them or not? 

Why I can't act like I want to act I only act certain ways on certain situations but sometimes it feels like it's going completely against my own will? Am I really in control of my actions? Who is the one controlling them? 

I can't really make any sense of it. Who I was a year ago for example am I now the same being that I was or was the me year ago someone else entirely? Did I even exist back then? 

Everything in me feels just so fragmented the things I do sometimes contradict each other and it's like when I'm under certain "mindset" it feels like it's not whole me who is in charge. The differences in myself are just growing and I can't seem to unite myself.

It would feel better sometimes I could just break up into like 5 different individuals

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