Sometimes there's a character that seems misplaced; a character whose dreams and aspirations have always been at war with the narrative. Rainbow Dash loves adventure. This is blatantly displayed in the opening song, in her choice of reading material, and in her thrill-seeking attitude. However, instead of becoming an adventurer, a fairly easy thing to do inside FIM, she has been chained to a boring position of an aerial rookie acrobat by the ironclad, immovable destiny of her petty childhood dreams. And so even this daringly colored pony can never become anything more than just another plastic toy in a discount bin, vying for the top layer among the ever-increasing number of characters that are all equally capable of lesser feats, for greater feats can only be accomplished by the one magic of the soft spoken dogma that is utterly incapable of comprehending the desires of humanity regardless of age and gender. For Rainbow Dash to become the cheeky lancer she must first be written to rise above ponies of similar skill and disposition. We must separate her wild, tomboyish nature from stupidity and unintentional maliciousness that fuel her lesson-driven episodes and strike such a balance between her dreams and attributes as to permit ascension towards her outrageous ideal self that does not offer disappointment or stagnation. The futureless carefree jock is no more. Say ahoy to the fiery pirate scoundrel who plays by her own rules in a world that rewards such roguish initiative.

 

JOLLY RAINBOW

In the night-shrouded grasslands a fire broke free
Released from the gun ports which spewed it with glee
With naught but a captain to handle its wrath
The wargship of talons burned all in its path.

She came from the shard where the mountains are tall
She came for the castle to witness its fall
Now knights and the priests of the prairie they know
The northern daughter of storms does not bow.

The wind and the iron she wore like a gown
Silk rainbows and lightning as furious crown
The captain of guards could do nothing but neigh
As Princess of Pirates dived down on her prey.

By sun, they have fought her from morning till dawn
The iron-clad watchers of sunshine and brawn
With power, with valor that gives one a pause
Protecting the treasure was their sacred cause.

 

But none had the cunning, none had what it takes
The Princess of Pirates was holding no breaks
Her eyes were on treasure enshrined in the keep
With thunder and ice did she send them to sleep.

 

And now that the wargship has clawed up the place
And now that her captain ensured their disgrace
The treasure, the droplet of Sun has been snatched
And gone was the pirate, her hide never scratched.

 

This song of the Princess is start of a tale
Of two little ponies who'll follow her trail
The trinket she stole will be sold to a foe
With plan that will bring great destruction and woe.

 

A fair approximation of a Talon Class Assault Corvette.

 

THE MARE, THE MYTH, THE LEGEND

Breakneck Cove is a most foul nest of thieves and piracy. Even the quarrelsome clan ponies fear to venture too far into its lawless labyrinth of noisy taverns and dark back alleys. Within its fortified walls there exists one pony that is both loved and feared by the seasoned scallywag residents: the legendary pirate princess that goes by the name Rainbow Dash. She rules over her peculiar home with the help of two treasures: an enchanted griffin wargship that obeys the will of its captain and a runed weather bow bracelet that can summon forth the wrath of storms. She moves in and out of combat like a colorful blur, picking off important foes with the elemental rage of wind, ice, and lightning while the howling cannons take care of the rest. There are but few adversaries who can weather the full brunt of her overwhelming combo. Indeed, when one takes all the written records into account, it is revealed that Rainbow Dash represents the most destructive force south of the Great Barrier Cliffs rivaling even the many magically enhanced natural disasters that plague all three adjacent shards.

 

Mr. Torgue would collect her toys

 

SCOUNDRELLE

Rainbow Dash is a hotheaded, loudmouthed, thieving scoundrel who is enough of a bonafide badass to command respect. She has earned the right to behave however she wants and to speak her mind without reservation. Her fellow pirates see this as a sign of strength while clan lords and ponies of neighboring shards find it most offensive. Some brave soul might even dare to compare such behavior to that of a spoiled highborn princess, though such sheltered damsels cannot reduce a castle into a pile of smoldering rock or square off against seasoned airship captains. Good thing then that, despite her rash nature, the only insult Rainbow Dash truly cannot stand is defeat. The rest of the slights can be easily solved with grog and gold, at least as far as she's concerned. Of course, every legendary pirate holds a few secrets in their chest, and Dash is no exception. Her origins are shrouded in mystery as is the story of how she commandeered a wargship. The only clues are a mockingjewel locket she wears around her neck and her childlike fascination with old pirate legends, especially those revolving around Captain Glint and his storied treasure.

 

Pirate girls: athletic, passionate, ruggedly beautiful. Do not act like asexual hipsters.

 

This lively pirate pony is a bit of a tomboy. She is also the cool big sister you never had. As such one must acknowledge both her appetite for badassery and her brave heart that is fully capable of caring for others under the guise of unconvincing excuses. By no means should her impact be lessened to prove a lesson-related point, nor should her shortcomings be ignored in dire straits. That said, not all unpleasant situations should result in immediate character growth, especially in regards to her interactions with other individuals, and this should not mean the inevitable death of her less reputable quirks, just that she will learned how to properly utilize them. The Rainbow Dash of tomorrow should be even more adept at intimidation and roasting than the Rainbow Dash of today; however, the targets and methods of today should be different than those of tomorrow. And that is why this Rainbow Dash, a character that can experience growth and development, would never hurt her friends without a damn good reason. A captain looks after their crew, and so should a writer look after their characters. 

 

MEGHAN IS TOO AFRAID TO ASK FOR THIS

A raspy tomboy onee-chan voice rich with heterosexuality.