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What am I fighting for?

Cash In

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Many people have told me to fight.

But fight for what exactly? My own sanity? My family? Everything else, in between?

Truth is, I don't know. Things in my life, aren't playing out in the way I thought they would. I didn't ever think that I could possibly have a disability - I relinquished the thought from my head. Truth be told, I did end up having one the whole time. Not a physical one, a mental one:  Asperger's Syndrome, accompanied with ADHD and high Anxiety.

While it may not sound like much, I struggle with doing simple things that others can do with relative ease. For example most children I knew, could tie their shoes before Grade 1. I wasn't able to do it until midway of Grade 6. That's only one example. I could sit here all day listing more, but you get the idea, so I'll spare you the time. I also have issues processing information, meaning I won't get something unless I go over it multiple times. These things have really thrown a wrench in my self-esteem, making me feel inferior to others and hating myself because of it. I occasionally start feeling more confident, but something happens which causes that said confidence to crash and burn. 

Looping back to the first sentence: People have told me to fight. I've been trying to do that for most of my life, but is it really worth fighting anymore? They say at the rate I'm going, I'll end up being depressed - Especially since I'm living a fairly lonely life. Although this doesn't bother me a lot, as I usually stick to myself and spend most of my time playing Video Games and watching Videos all day long. Although, I can't help but feel that I'm too lonely. In the past people have left me alone, simply for being too unique - Only returning if I changed myself to be similar to them. That makes me think, do people just not like who I am?  Am I as a person, wrong?

 

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My opinion on this exactly is that you really shouldn't change who you are just because someone doesn't accept you for it. They can go screw themselves if they don't like it. On the topic of disabilities, I somewhat feel you there. I had many when I was younger but I guess the only one I can really list out there now is getting major anxiety about things and have it take over my world sometimes. It's mostly to do with people not liking me or something like that which I found out to be completely false and that I was just working myself over nothing. Let me tell you this, people do like you and even if you don't think that way, it is true.

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I'm sorry to hear you're feeling that way. :(

You're not alone, I can say I've had very similar experiences myself. I was also diagnosed with Asperger's as a kid. I've also had problems with motor skills – tying shoes was also problematic to me, I think I was around 13 when I learned to do it... And I still have some similar struggles – for example, some plastic bottles have caps I can't open without using an opener, no matter how much I try. And the loneliness too – I had a couple of friends as a kid, mostly due to us having similar interests, but just a few years later nothing.

For the latter, I guess it's about finding the right kinds of people – here on the forums, I feel I have friends for the first time in years, and I'd say better than the ones I used to have offline! And the same could happen offline too! Things can change... :rarity:

I really hope things get better for you soon! :kindness: And like @TheTaZe said, you shouldn't change yourself for other people. The people that are worth knowing accept you for who you are! :rarity:

Edited by Tacodidra
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You are not at all wrong. Don't change for anyone, don't stop for anyone. You are yourself and you should be proud that you are yourself. I myself had a stuttering issue for most of my life though I have gotten over that. Much of my early life was defined by anger because of that, I couldn't express my emotions and thoughts in the way I wanted. 

But my point is, don't stop for anybody. Don't let anybody drag you down, since they are below you.

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I think the important thing is to find your own path in your life that you are comfortable with. I don't think it really matters what other people think or say because it doesn't bear any meaning in the longer run. I think it all starts from accepting yourself and with that as a starting point I think moving forward is easier. I had similar issues myself and I'm still having them but after I pretty much reestablished myself and how I view life it has been bit easier for me to move forward

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I have the same disorders as you, I have ADHD and I get stressed out about the littlest things especially at work. I feel scatter brained sometimes, I even feel scared about what the future holds. How I get through everything is I think how things will get better they usually do. I also have an attitude that I will make it and achieve my goals in due time. I do live with my family so that does help a lot for my morale, but I haven't really had many women in my life.

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I'm really sorry to hear that. :sunny:

But you are not wrong, you're a totally likeable person - for being who you are. No matter how great you'd be, there always will be something someone may not like, but it's not always worth to listen to them. Use your best judgement to tell what is good and what not and if anyone has problems with your choices, that you believe are truly better for yourself, they're the ones, who should change the approach.

Fight for yourself, for your better future, ignore people who stand on your way, there are many others who will accept and support you. Those are the ones you should focus on. :fluttershy: Stick to little positive things, don't let the difficulties bother you. I really hope things will get better for you. :kindness:

Edited by Rikifive
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I know what it means to have Asperger's Syndrome, it's like thinking so much outside of all schemates and formulas, that your head aches, when you realise how the world is (not) working, like you wanted to work. I won't count my countless attempts to try to do simple things like making a dish or duties or other things. I'll just make a fragment, shortened, of my life. I bet nopony without Asperger would write such a thing in just a blog.

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This is an awesome place to write a my story of living with Asperger's Syndrome, I was diagnosed early: at about 6 y. o. or maybe even earlier.

In kintergarden I was very aware of my young peers, that they may be dangerous (idk how) to me, so I was safe only near teachers and adults. I remember that one time I had bited a girl, because in my ears she was singing very bad (while having fun) so uh, weird, althought I remember also one situation, where I used rubber so much on pencil and paper, that I erased not only letters, which I were practicing, but also what it had been printed, so one peer started to laugh at me... To this day (I'll be 17 in October) I'm wondering why I didn't punch my fist in his face.

Anyway, now primary school. I had only a few friends, while rest having lots, but I knew I have "quality" friends, not only a friends for single "activities". I could talk with my friends on many different (and sometimes) difficult topics, however I don't remember them (digression: I have a decent remembering skills, if I only want to, I can repeat the sequence of events or codes in just a few repeats, but I need a confidence). And I was still glueing to teachers, because they were wise and mature and I wanted already to be one of those wise people. I wanted to be smart. So the life was goin' and goin' and in the mid of 6th grade (out of 6, sadly) I had met a very peaceful and happy girl, two years younger than me, we were great friends until the last day of school - then the contact was instantly gone (whatever, that I asked her multiple times for phone number, she rejected every time).

In the junior high school (gimnazjum in Polish) I was rather quiet: only few close friends and barely talking to other people. In the gimnazjum the fellings for individualism rised, so I was actually scared to work in groups, either by getting laughed off or by not being useful for the group - nothing of that pesimist visions came true, althought the fear is still visible in high school (technikum for Polish). Althought, back to gimnazjum, in the 2th grade (out of 3) I fell in love infatuation in girl from class. It was rather simple at first, but as my fellings were getting stronger, she was getting more and more worried of me, near the end of the few-month infatuation she had other boy in mind. I had bought a knife in the meantime, because I had read to many radicalist things on the Internet and I was so scared of eventual "migrants" that I had just hided my knife in my pocket, ready to go for eventual attack. And I used this knife in the start of June: 3rd of June, Friday, 11:45 - I was frustrated about my jealousness for that mentioned girl, that she wanted not me, but other person; also I was frustrated by the fact, that on the yearly test from pshysics I made some mistakes and to make it worst: some fool/twit made the biology teacher angry and she said, that she'll make in a moment a yearly test from biology, for which I wasn't sure I was prepared, I had been just stressed instantly to the infamous "fury" point - I had thrown my pencil case with all the capacity on the wall, next things were going on the wall in this order: a student book, a notebook and lots of my yellings. The class was quiet as never ever, even at my previous furies the class wasn't so quiet as then. My grunts were so loud then, I don't remember how, but they were enough. And then I took the whole table, grabbed it into hands and throwed in from all the power on the floor, the miracle was it didn't get cut in half or something. Next, I took the knife and positioned it near my throat and said yelled: "I'll kill myself in a moment!". Afterwards it was so complicated and I remember it with such detail, however I won't talk about it now, it's an other story. Same for spending 3 weeks in closed branch in hospital.

So, we come to the high school (age late 15-present (late 16)). I won't mention, that I don't contact regularly any friend from primary school, luckily I contact regularly one friend from the gimnazjum - Norbert: he can make me laughing and happy from almost any situation, we're the neighbours, so that's problably why we're still taking care of relationship. Anyway - I have 3 or 4 close friends in high school, I can pretty normally talk to the rest of my colleges, althought I do it rarely, because I think that's they are stupid or something. Example: I tried to show them on the educative hour an important (to me) video from Polish youtube channel about filtering validated information and about how easily we can get manipulated. The problem was - I wasn't prepared for any talk about "trailer" to the 1 hour 40 minutes long video. So it ended bad: After 5 minutes some peers weren't interested completely in the topic and after 18 minutes the preceptress said, that this educational video cannot be continued any longer, because it seems like part of the people aren't listening and they are getting borried to death and said that they can eventually finish it at home. But I don't believe anyone finished it, huh. There were also some discussions on Polish literature lessons, I remember mostly two of them, one, where I've got constructivly blamed for not giving sources for my controversial informations, second, where I got aplaused for 13-page [A5, notebook size] (4 minutes of talk) homework about roles of kids in modern world (where other pupils written about a page, or few lines).

What do I want to say with all that text? Hmmm... Wait, I've forgot about something, I need to get back.

My Little Pony of course. I was very appreciating my closed and individual life with addition of MLP, I stopped after season 5 (end of the primary school or 1th grade of junior high school), then fellings shooted out to me (digression: I hate love fellings towards people, because mostly they occur due to atractivity of a person, not the character, in case of Starlight, the first love fellings shooted to me after I saw her reaction in Season 6 Episode 1 to reunite the friendship with Sunburst, then, I analyzed her backstory from Season 5 Episode 26 and fell in love in Her, because of character and personality, I've just felt it

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