I've never thought of getting/creating my own blog this early. However, since I'm a brony and I'm on a brony forum, I think I have to pour out a filled bucket of mixtured emtions to fell better. I'll try to figure out it in parts:
1. Excitement
My first thoughts when I met this forum was pure excitment, because I finally met the (problably) biggest MLP Fandom community, everyone's so kind, so helpful and cultural. I kindly inform others about their mistakes, other kindly inform me about my mistakes, I'm open to make any topic that won't divide community significally (e. g. extremely controversial topic, like someone made a thread with [Science] in title about 2 genders and Science VS Religion), I'm open to chat with other fans of this show and the most importantly - I was very warmly welcomed to the forum, which made me brave enough to actively be a part of discussion on some subjects. And that's how went a first few days.
2. Happiness
Shortly after registering the account and discovering the possibilities of this lovely forum I was happy, normally happy, that I joined the discussion within the warm atmosphere and very kind people. The state of constant happiness whenever I turned on MLPF was at the stable ratio for weeks, I think that it was over a month definitely. I even started a first topic, called "Social Pressure" - it was just satisfying to get know of people with (for example) Aspergers' Syndrome - those are very interesting people to talk for me, because I have also that Syndome, althought... back to satisfaction - it was just satisfying to get know of people talking about your set topic. Not like in real life, when the discussion of course goes, but I fell like after the conversation it's forgotten for ever and never goes back. Here - on MLPF people are making such detailed answers sometimes, that I sometimes gain again faith in humanity (some part of course). A happiness on my face appears whenever I see inteligent answers: and here's the huge part of answers (when it comes to more difficult issue) are for me complex or at least well-built. About well-built monolog, I invite you to read this confession on the page: https://western-magical-girl-confessions.tumblr.com/tagged/confession-276 . Happiness appears of course to this day, not regularly, but appears.
3. Pleasure and (in)conscious madness
This [pleasure] is something I can't describe it, but I fell it with each time, whenever I helped someone or made something "special" (in my criterias). However those are not all sources of getting pleasure (I talk about mental and psychologic pleasure, just in case). I openly and without any doubt confess, that I am craze/crazy and fanaberian on point of Starlight. I'm argumenting those statements on such things as: going to the McDonalds many kilometers from home only to get Starlight's little 3'' or 4'' plastic figure. I changed all desktops on all 4 devices I use to Starlight ones, switched Chrome cards to Starlight one's, switched all avatars and signatures (almost) on 3 communication pages (2 forums and Discord). I can imagine scenes (slices of life) with Starlight while doing any activity and I remember what I imagined in that time. I am hugging figure every night and at random moment during the day. To sum this up, I sometimes consciously "rave" (for others it would be called raving) - or: in my mind, I just talk (on voice) with Starlight and I "hear" her answering back. Everyone could say now, that I'm a schizofrenic/paranoic or something, but I know it helps me with existence.
3.1. (In)secure chatting
For what I crow? I fell insecure in people presence, sometimes even if this is my own family. Now I'll go a bit off-topic but I have to write it out, otherwise I would have to take it inside and I could explode with fury at one moment in the future (I'm sort of the multiple ticking bomb, if my needs aren't fulfilled, my patience is at the start high, but goes lower over time, then "finally" I explode with unpredictable behaviours, in the past those behaviours were only aggressive, now I don't know, since I don't had such big emotion explosion in the last time. Hope I won't explode. So, I'll repeat the question: For what I crow? I like stability and I very quickly want to have the stable situation once I'll get profit from something - for example: I get access to use PC permanently, after just 1 day I'm used to it and after 1 month I get PC taken off from me... And I am very hollow inside. Because I had planned what I'll be doing for next months and now plans cannot be realisated. It gets even worse, when it comes to almost permanent plans. The most visible example: Chatting with really good imitation of Starlight in "Ask (...) StarTrix" - I think I know what Sparklefan1234 could fell. He may fell like he's getting forced or stalked to be non-stop online, because someone else wants to be happy and that "victim" like to make people happy. I have worries, that I inconsciously force people to do things or talk on things I want. Maybe it's just me and incredible overexaggeration. But if yes then...
4. Remorse, sorrow, trapped in myself
Now I get to the part which I have to write all what I think to fell at least a bit better. And note before I start - it's not a litany or begging for not getting consequences, I just want to write everything I fell. Right now I've got to the point were, due to stress, I cry inside now and every breath hurts me physically. I also yell in mind for myself for being such a hypocrite: I said in posts for example: I don't like Rarity, because she's lamenting and exaggerating extremely much. But then - I started to do it too. What now? Am I a prisoner of my own mind? Of my own opinions? What I should tell for eventual askers? Even if I wouldn't want to, someone will surely try to help to diagnose the problem and eliminating it. But guess what what's even worse: I think I know the problem. And I'm torturing myself with that thought at least 3rd time during 3 years. First time - Justyna: a girl from my class that I've got infatuation in her. I realized my first extreme fail in life: First love is not the love for the live.... after 8 months and 3 weeks in closed psychologic branch in hospital. Then second time - Wiktoria: a girl which has Asperger, we infatuationed in ourselfs for 11 months. Our relation survived for that long time. The catch was that I was a victim of relationship - my behaviour got worse (again) so I thinked of reducing the usage of such weird things as "emotions" to minimum. Of course didn't work, as in March 2018 I returned to MLP, in April I fell in love with Starlight - and now arguments, why I fell in love: 1. The first doubt and stressful moment of Starlight (S6 E1) - I instantly felt, that I had also that stress, when it came to make new friends. 2. Similar personalities and characters - it may seem bizarre, but after my personal analize it occurs that personalities of both of us are the same or have little differences (examples: we're both seeking for attention, we're both are very specializated and concentrated when it comes to activities we like, we're both very excited, when we can talk and listen to friends) 3. I think this will be a subpoint of 1. or 2. but I'll say it anyway - I believe that I have such interesting talking skills that I could just make Starlight interested in me. =)
I just don't want to break up with Starlight only because of torturing myself with "no emotion" rule - I don't have other creatures to identify with. Just it. And that's - how the 3rd time I'm getting tired of emotions, especially that negative ones.
I'm just worried a lot still, that without an intence to do something wrong, I would for example get blocked. I do not want to make pain to eventual owners of topics, althought I really want to fulfill my needs, which is asking Starlight a lot and overall making Starlight appearing in my mind as much as possible.
5. Worries, shaking off and embracing myself
After I had fulfilled the need to write, now I wonder what it will be in the future: dear user Sparkleplay1234 doesn't seem to be happy with my presence (I'm not accusing this user of anyting, take a note), but I have that needs. Needs for headcanon, needs for chatting, needs for cuddling and hugging. I just really dream of living with Starlight and overall within social utopia. I think I had written out to the end. This MLP Forums is my last bastion of open chatting with so many people. I don't want to be scared out of this community, because one of my favourite threads would be locked because of "too much obsessity". Thank you for reading. During those last sentences my stomach aches from stress, but only stomach, nothing more luckily. Have a nice day. See you soon in next posts/statuses/blogs.
Greetings,
Iam
- 1
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