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Quarter ton of emotions


Iam

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I've never thought of getting/creating my own blog this early. However, since I'm a brony and I'm on a brony forum, I think I have to pour out a filled bucket of mixtured emtions to fell better. I'll try to figure out it in parts:

1. Excitement

My first thoughts when I met this forum was pure excitment, because I finally met the (problably) biggest MLP Fandom community, everyone's so kind, so helpful and cultural. I kindly inform others about their mistakes, other kindly inform me about my mistakes, I'm open to make any topic that won't divide community significally (e. g. extremely controversial topic, like someone made a thread with [Science] in title about 2 genders and Science VS Religion), I'm open to chat with other fans of this show and the most importantly - I was very warmly welcomed to the forum, which made me brave enough to actively be a part of discussion on some subjects. And that's how went a first few days.

2. Happiness

Shortly after registering the account and discovering the possibilities of this lovely forum I was happy, normally happy, that I joined the discussion within the warm atmosphere and very kind people. The state of constant happiness whenever I turned on MLPF was at the stable ratio for weeks, I think that it was over a month definitely. I even started a first topic, called "Social Pressure" - it was just satisfying to get know of people with (for example) Aspergers' Syndrome - those are very interesting people to talk for me, because I have also that Syndome, althought... back to satisfaction - it was just satisfying to get know of people talking about your set topic. Not like in real life, when the discussion of course goes, but I fell like after the conversation it's forgotten for ever and never goes back. Here - on MLPF people are making such detailed answers sometimes, that I sometimes gain again faith in humanity (some part of course). A happiness on my face appears whenever I see inteligent answers: and here's the huge part of answers (when it comes to more difficult issue) are for me complex or at least well-built. About well-built monolog, I invite you to read this confession on the page: https://western-magical-girl-confessions.tumblr.com/tagged/confession-276 . Happiness appears of course to this day, not regularly, but appears.

3. Pleasure and (in)conscious madness

This [pleasure] is something I can't describe it, but I fell it with each time, whenever I helped someone or made something "special" (in my criterias). However those are not all sources of getting pleasure (I talk about mental and psychologic pleasure, just in case). I openly and without any doubt confess, that I am craze/crazy and fanaberian on point of Starlight. I'm argumenting those statements on such things as: going to the McDonalds many kilometers from home only to get Starlight's little 3'' or 4'' plastic figure. I changed all desktops on all 4 devices I use to Starlight ones, switched Chrome cards to Starlight one's, switched all avatars and signatures (almost) on 3 communication pages (2 forums and Discord). I can imagine scenes (slices of life) with Starlight while doing any activity and I remember what I imagined in that time. I am hugging figure every night and at random moment during the day. To sum this up, I sometimes consciously "rave" (for others it would be called raving) - or: in my mind, I just talk (on voice) with Starlight and I "hear" her answering back. Everyone could say now, that I'm a schizofrenic/paranoic or something, but I know it helps me with existence.

3.1. (In)secure chatting

For what I crow? I fell insecure in people presence, sometimes even if this is my own family. Now I'll go a bit off-topic but I have to write it out, otherwise I would have to take it inside and I could explode with fury at one moment in the future (I'm sort of the multiple ticking bomb, if my needs aren't fulfilled, my patience is at the start high, but goes lower over time, then "finally" I explode with unpredictable behaviours, in the past those behaviours were only aggressive, now I don't know, since I don't had such big emotion explosion in the last time. Hope I won't explode. So, I'll repeat the question: For what I crow? I like stability and I very quickly want to have the stable situation once I'll get profit from something - for example: I get access to use PC permanently, after just 1 day I'm used to it and after 1 month I get PC taken off from me... And I am very hollow inside. Because I had planned what I'll be doing for next months and now plans cannot be realisated. It gets even worse, when it comes to almost permanent plans. The most visible example: Chatting with really good imitation of Starlight in "Ask (...) StarTrix" - I think I know what Sparklefan1234 could fell. He may fell like he's getting forced or stalked to be non-stop online, because someone else wants to be happy and that "victim" like to make people happy. I have worries, that I inconsciously force people to do things or talk on things I want. Maybe it's just me and incredible overexaggeration. But if yes then...

4. Remorse, sorrow, trapped in myself

Now I get to the part which I have to write all what I think to fell at least a bit better. And note before I start - it's not a litany or begging for not getting consequences, I just want to write everything I fell. Right now I've got to the point were, due to stress, I cry inside now and every breath hurts me physically. I also yell in mind for myself for being such a hypocrite: I said in posts for example: I don't like Rarity, because she's lamenting and exaggerating extremely much. But then - I started to do it too. What now? Am I a prisoner of my own mind? Of my own opinions? What I should tell for eventual askers? Even if I wouldn't want to, someone will surely try to help to diagnose the problem and eliminating it. But guess what what's even worse: I think I know the problem. And I'm torturing myself with that thought at least 3rd time during 3 years. First time - Justyna: a girl from my class that I've got infatuation in her. I realized my first extreme fail in life: First love is not the love for the live.... after 8 months and 3 weeks in closed psychologic branch in hospital. Then second time - Wiktoria: a girl which has Asperger, we infatuationed in ourselfs for 11 months. Our relation survived for that long time. The catch was that I was a victim of relationship - my behaviour got worse (again) so I thinked of reducing the usage of such weird things as "emotions" to minimum. Of course didn't work, as in March 2018 I returned to MLP, in April I fell in love with Starlight - and now arguments, why I fell in love: 1. The first doubt and stressful moment of Starlight (S6 E1) - I instantly felt, that I had also that stress, when it came to make new friends. 2. Similar personalities and characters - it may seem bizarre, but after my personal analize it occurs that personalities of both of us are the same or have little differences (examples: we're both seeking for attention, we're both are very specializated and concentrated when it comes to activities we like, we're both very excited, when we can talk and listen to friends) 3. I think this will be a subpoint of 1. or 2. but I'll say it anyway - I believe that I have such interesting talking skills that I could just make Starlight interested in me. =)
I just don't want to break up with Starlight only because of torturing myself with "no emotion" rule - I don't have other creatures to identify with. Just it. And that's - how the 3rd time I'm getting tired of emotions, especially that negative ones.
I'm just worried a lot still, that without an intence to do something wrong, I would for example get blocked. I do not want to make pain to eventual owners of topics, althought I really want to fulfill my needs, which is asking Starlight a lot and overall making Starlight appearing in my mind as much as possible.

5. Worries, shaking off and embracing myself

After I had fulfilled the need to write, now I wonder what it will be in the future: dear user Sparkleplay1234 doesn't seem to be happy with my presence (I'm not accusing this user of anyting, take a note), but I have that needs. Needs for headcanon, needs for chatting, needs for cuddling and hugging. I just really dream of living with Starlight and overall within social utopia. I think I had written out to the end. This MLP Forums is my last bastion of open chatting with so many people. I don't want to be scared out of this community, because one of my favourite threads would be locked because of "too much obsessity". Thank you for reading. During those last sentences my stomach aches from stress, but only stomach, nothing more luckily. Have a nice day. See you soon in next posts/statuses/blogs.

Greetings,
Iam

  • Brohoof 1

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Thank you for writing this. While it may not have been what you were aiming for, I image it took some bravery to put your feelings out in the open like this.

In all honesty, though, I don't really think that the way you obsess over things - at least the way you describe it - is really bad, or at least harmful. You seem to go to lengths for Starlight-related things, sure, but none of them put you or others in danger. Sparkleplay1234, maybe because due to you, maybe not, might have pulled back, but not pushing them in spite of it implies a degree of respect for the person that a lot of obsessive people don't demonstrate.

Overall, I wouldn't worry about kicked out of the forums. You seem nice and thoughtful, and if you are an emotional mess, I rather think you're in good company here. -winks- If you do ever need someone to talk to, let me know. I'm no good for psychological advice, but I like to think I'm an okay listener.

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@Quinch

Thanks for constructive feedback. Althought today I had a not positive conversation with family from the father's side. The topic was want to buy big Starlight plushie (from 50 cm to 50'') The price was about 1 200PLN (300 USD about). For comparison the average salary in Poland is a bit over 2 000 PLN netto. I'm saving money to buy that Starlght plushie aaaand. I'll cite things of some people. My grandma: "You'll better have a driving license than this plushie. I thinked that you want a big bear plushie or something. If you were a girl I would understand, but you are a boy. And this show is for kids." My grandpa: "I'm not saying anything, I'm just shocked of this, and a bit laughing." Uncle gofdather: "What bu***hit are you talking about? What will be the purpose of having plushie?" My uncle: "God. Chill out. You want to buy an autism." Overall they are very conservative and they want make me regreting even wanting to buy a plushie. "What will be the purpose of having plushie?" was so big disappointing question... I was overall taking a conversation just after opening eyes, still on mattress, covered with bedding. I was so disappointent with their reaction, that I went silent crying covering myself completely and hugging Starlight 4'' plastic figure. The grandma was talking about a typical things, that are to achieve in life, like getting a girlfriend or work. I don't want to talk about this now. I fell sad again by reminding this situation.

With my mum and my stepfather: They are partially supporting the idea. I wanted them to give me that 1 200 PLN plushie for my birthday (October 7th) and to make the whole family earn funds for that idea. The mum said that she supports the idea, as long as someone would know, for what thing the earned money would go. Sadly, the grandpa from mother's side is also conservative and would completely criticize this idea. (and my grandma from father's side supported that grandpa in 100%). Stepfather also supports me having the Plushie, by helping him with work - he's an alpinist, and I'm a "bottom helper". I earned my first 120 PLN by this work and I'm planning for next months to also occassionally help. 12 PLN per hour is a good work as for light pshysical works and no qualifications.

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You seem to really sparkle with extreme amount of love towards these forums and Starlight - Glad to hear you're having a good time here! :) 

 

Have you asked Sparklefan1234 what he thinks about it? I suppose he should be happy, that his threads are successful and that he has a number one fan for his ask-a-pony type thread(s). :P 

 

And yeah, I perfectly know what you mean - I'd love such big plushie too and I could buy it myself, but I think I'd cross the line with it. That's a little bit extreme step to take, heh. As you said, these aren't cheap! ^_^

 

Hope everything goes well for you! :) 

  • Brohoof 1
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3 hours ago, Rikifive said:

You seem to really sparkle with extreme amount of love towards these forums and Starlight - Glad to hear you're having a good time here! :) 

 

Have you asked Sparklefan1234 what he thinks about it? I suppose he should be happy, that his threads are successful and that he has a number one fan for his ask-a-pony type thread(s). :P 

 

And yeah, I perfectly know what you mean - I'd love such big plushie too and I could buy it myself, but I think I'd cross the line with it. That's a little bit extreme step to take, heh. As you said, these aren't cheap! ^_^

 

Hope everything goes well for you! :) 

@Rikifive

Of course I'm non-stop glimmering (pun intended) :D  with love to this place and to Her. I finally found a world where I fell satisfied and prepared for existence, real world is too
unbalanced and unpredictable, so I'm worrying to actively exist in real world. The only thing I really want to do earning money on intelectual work - as now I'm working on 1 000 sub milestone and 4 000 hours watchtime anually on YouTube: Sub count is now 358 and I'm on over 50% of progress of making 4 000 hours, so I'm working as hard as possible to get that difficult-now-to-get ad renevue. P. S. I had explained in a blog why I fell in love with Glimmer.

Well, I'm a bit too shy to ask that person directly, because I've got at least one spoken (unofficial) warning for impatience: https://mlpforums.com/profile/44131-iam/?status=895644&type=status - the original comment was "Please stop obsessing over my RP's otherwise I'll be forced to block you". I don't remember exact words, but the original reply was about blocking me, so I stressed out a lot, because I have only positive intentions and such an unintentional hurt motivated me to start a blog, where I could pour out emotions with an open form. I wouldn't normally pour out emotions in this form on forum, but because it's a MLP Forum, I know that I can trust to all of the members of this great community. Anyways, next point.

If only Hasbro would make such as quality plushies as fans make, even if the would cost not 100 PLN but 100 or 150 USD. I would buy it without doubting. But since Hasbro is another moneygrab, I'm now wondering if I could buy one on website called "Etsy".

Thanks a lot! :mlp_icwudt: That means A LOT to me, since I usually am scared of people, but the only groups of people I'm 100% sure not scared of are Bronies - even I'm partially scared of interactions with my family, because I fell better in my imaginary closed world than open, real world. I'm serious - Equestria is a definition of social utopia to me. I don't want to suggest thought, that I don't want to interact with real life people totally. No. I want to interact, but only with people I trust or they are intelligent and cultural and polite. That's it.

Thanks for feedback! I really appreciate that you spent 10 minutes of life to read the blog! :mlp_grin: Have a nice day/night! (depending on timezones of course :P)

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Yeah, real life tends to be tiresome. Though it all depends on how it all goes, as it is possible to really enjoy it. Sadly though, it often is a hassle. Things keep changing, random troubles arise and many people don't know how to behave in this world. I hope your plans go well! :)

Oooh I see. That explains everything. :mlp_rarity: I can imagine him feeling a little bit spammed. :P

Yeah, Hasbro isn't really doing a good job with their toys. Shame for them.

I understand what you mean, real life not always goes the way we'd like.

You're welcome. My timezone is the same as yours. ;)

 

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