This is the part where I greet everypony, say my name, which is Woohoo, and welcome you to another edition of Musical Manslaughter, because you can't spell 'slaughter' without 'laughter' and these songs are jokes.
Here's the part where I ramble on how long it has been since the last entry, what I'm going to be doing different in this one, and how much I hate rambling. Great, I'm rambling again. Anyway, on to business. It's been God knows how many months since the last entry, which was probably my most difficult MMS since the very first one. With most of the previous entries of MMS, I ripped apart a single song in (mostly) great detail. This time I'm ripping multiple songs at once, just like my Christmas entry, albeit much more condensed and contain just my overall thoughts on a song with little, if not any, lyrical commentary. Welcome to the first volume of "Mini-Slaughters." In this volume, I'm tearing apart four songs from mid 2010s.
Alright, I've jucked and chived enough. Let's break it down.
The first song on the chopping block is by one of the most reviled artists of the current decade. Straight outta Canada, it's music's favorite whipping boy, Justin Bieber!
Because it's not like any other music reviewer has ever talked about him before. What song of his am I shredding? Definitely not "Baby" as that song has been shredded beyond any form of recognition. I'm shredding a more recent song of his... his 2015 hit "Sorry."
Believe it or not, this is the song that made me hate the Biebs. Why do I hate this song more than "Baby"? Let's find out.
My first problem takes place after I press the play button. I hear this...
Whoa-oh oh! Whoa-oh-oh! Whoa-oh oh! Whoa-oh-oh!
Really? That's how you want to start your song? With that annoying-ass whooping? Is this the infamous "Millennial Whoop" that's taking over pop music? I guess so. It's also heard during the damn chorus too. If you remember my "10 Things I Hate About Music" blog, you'd know how much I dislike non-lexical vocables, especially 'whoa-ohs.' It's almost as annoying as "Shape of You's" bing-bong. Was it really necessary to include the whooping? *sigh*
My next problem, and this probably my biggest problem with this song: It's an apology song. I absolutely can't stand apology songs as most of them sound whiney and unbelievably desperate for forgiveness. This song is no exception. Why would you put so much effort into a song just to apologize to some girl? Is it really that hard to just say "I'm sorry"? Also, what did you do to her? Did you spit on her? Call her a whale? Piss in her mop bucket? Eat her tendies? Shit, this song is making me crazy.
Other problems with song include Bieber's overly-breathy vocals during the verses where I could barely understand him, and this song being OPAF (OverPlayed As Fuck.) I still hear this almost everyday at work. In fact, every song in this entry is/was OPAF. Now for the final score.
Even the score sheets are mini-er
To answer your question, Biebs. "Is it to late to say sorry?" Well, for your um... unbelievable contributions to the music and entertainment world, I dub thee unforgiven.
Next on the chopping block is from someone a little lesser known yet their song still manages to get OPAF somehow. Also from the Great White North, it's Alessia Cara with her 2015 'empowerment' anthem "Scars to Your Beautiful."
*inhales sharply* Do I have some issues with this song, starting with the damn title. "Scars to Your Beautiful," what kind of title is that? Sounds like a Marylyn Manson song if you ask me, like a sequel to "The Beautiful People." Oh boy, I haven't even scratched the surface of the tip of this iceberg.
My next problem with this song is that it's so mind-numbingly... generic. The lyrics are just your typical "be yourself" song laid upon on some slow plodding beat. It's like we don't have a million of these songs already. I do give this song credit for touching on self harm and eating disorders, but aside from that, it's just generic.
Now you're probably thinking 'Why are you ranting on this song when it's so generic?' Frankly, I would've written this song as generic... if it weren't for this line in the chorus...
You don't have to change a thing, the world could change its heart.
Have you ever heard something so... unbelievable that you're not fully sure on how to even talk about how unbelievable it is? This is definitely one of those instances. It's also an instance where I need a second opinion. Hey SpongeBob, how do you feel about this lyric?
This lyric is quite possibly the biggest load of bullshit I have ever heard. Why? Because for most people, that's NOT how the world works! Do you really expect a world of over seven billion humans and trillions of other life-forms, of which 99% have never met you, to change their heart? Short answer: You can't! Look, I get what they I get what their going for, but this particular lyric comes off as extremely selfish. Hell, I think this lyric would even make Mr. Rogers cringe. "You don't have to change?" Once again, bullshit! In life, you need to change in order to adapt to this ever-changing world, otherwise you'll get left behind. This single line single handedly destroyed any credibility this song ever had. Empowerment anthem? More like entitlement anthem. This is one of the worst lines I have ever heard in a song, right up there with "Let's Marvin Gaye and get it on" and "I'm madly in anger with you."
And just like the last song I shredded, this one also features annoying-ass whooping in the chorus. What's the point of including it? To make the chorus longer? Like I said in my "Shape of You" entry, long choruses are boring and have no place in pop songs. "Scars to Your Beautiful" is practically the "Shape of You" of 2015! *sighs* Alright, I'll stop mentioning that song. Now for the final score.
I think this song had good intentions, but the execution was done so poorly. Plus, I don't need to beautiful. I prefer to heed Manson's warning about the beautiful people.
Well, I'm half way there, but no amount of prayers can save me from these next two songs. Things are about to get ugly. So ugly that the Ugly Barnacle will die. This time, we're going back to 2014, the same year a certain song that nearly destroyed me was released, with a song by an artist from the far away land of Australia. From the same country that gave us AC/DC, Kangaroos, Nicole Kidman, and Steve Irwin, it's Sia with "Chandelier."
For this one, I'll be talking less about the song and more about the artist in choice. This will be a doozy.
I'm going to be really frank here... I absolutely cannot stand Sia. I hate her almost as much as Taylor Swift. I don't understand why she's so popular. The main reason I hate Sia… her voice. She sounds like she's getting an oversized rectal probe inserted whilst screaming with a mouthful of peanut butter and marshmallows. Quite unpleasant if ask me. That's the best word to describe Sia's voice. Her voice is so unpleasant, she makes a grindcore vocalist sound like Freddie Mercury. Not only is her voice unpleasant to hear but also unintelligible. Seriously, can anyone understand what she's singing? I sure as hell can't! Her diction and enunciation are so bad, I can't even make up misheard lyrics. She even puts Kurt Cobain to shame! Why is she so popular when we can't understand what the fuck she's singing?! On a somewhat related note, Sia is also one of the reasons I refuse to watch the goddamn MLP movie.
Worst celeb self-insert ever! Just why, Hasbro?
As for the song... well, if I actually liked this song, I wouldn't have included it on Musical Manslaughter. This song is so unpleasant, unintelligible, nonsensical, OPAF (especially in 2015), and it makes me want to hang myself from a chandelier. What this hell is this song even about, anyway?! *sigh* I would rant further, but I need to conserve my energy for the last song. Here's the final score.
It just baffles me how an artist with such an unpleasant and unintelligible voice could be popular. In my opinion, Tom Araya of fuckin' Slayer sounds eons more pleasant than Sia.
One more song and I consider this one the worst of the worst. Going back to 2015 for the third and hopefully last time, it's Adele from merry old England with her smash hit "Hello."
*inhales sharpiestly* Out of all the songs in this entry, this is the song I hate the most. I mean, practically everyone I know likes this song. Seriously, am I the only one in
the world the universe who hates this song?! I have some major problems with this song. Time to use up this last bit of anger as this entry's going out with a bang.
My first problem with this song: It's OPAF. Not just OPAF, but astronomically OPAF. Much like "Shake it Off" was back in late 2014-2015, "Hello" topped the Billboard charts and was played practically everywhere in late 2015 and most especially in 2016. Trying to get away from this song was like trying to dodge rain in a thunderstorm. Every time I hear this song, I feel my happiness being washed down the drain. I could go on about this song's overplayed-ness, but I have much bigger problems with this song.
My next problem is the same problem I have with Justin Bieber's song. It's another goddamn apology song, and dare I say, it's even worse than the Biebs song. Why? Just listen to the damn chorus!
Hello from the other siiiiiide
I must have called a thousand tiiiiiimes
To tell you I'm sorry for everything that I've done
But when I call you never seem to be home
Hello from the outsiiiiiide
At least I can say that I've triiiiiied
To tell you I'm sorry for breaking your heart
But it don't matter it clearly doesn't tear you apart anymore
Wow... just wow. The desperation is strong with this one. This doesn't just take the cake, it takes the whole damn bakery! I know the "called a thousand times" is a hyperbole, but really? If he didn't answer the first few times, why did you keep trying?! He probably should've blocked your number after the third time. Also, what did you do to him? Did you eat his tendies? I can't even fathom what Adele and whoever wrote this were thinking with this song. Did they really think these lyrics sound sincere? Because to me, it sounds extremely creepy. In fact, "Hello" makes "Every Breath You Take" sound like fucking "All Star!" At least Sting admitted that "Every Breath" is supposed to be creepy. This song... *sigh* I need calm myself down before I explode twice...
But I'm not done here, am I? Oh no, I have another major problem with this song: The production. Creepy lyrics aside, "Hello" is one of the most musically boring songs I have ever heard. It's just some sad and plodding piano ballad that we've all heard like a million times now. Not that I hate piano ballads, but this song doesn't do anything new or even interesting. Once again, boring! However, what really kills the song for me is Adele's "oversinging" in the chorus. I'm not sure if "oversinging" is the right term, but it really does sound like she's overly straining her voice. It really makes my vocal cords shrivel. Sheesh, I thought Adele would've learned to be more careful with her vocal technique after she blew out voice the first time. Nope, she blew it out again last year, likely for good. I find it pretty pathetic that Adele blew out her voice twice before turning 30 while Rob Halford and Bruce Dickinson are in their 60s and they can still wail. I guess it is all in the technique.
Now for the final score.
Honestly, Adele, I don't know why you say hello when I say goodbye.
And that concludes this entry of Musical Manslaughter. I was expecting "Mini-Slaughters" would be a lot easier to write. I was wrong. Maybe the next set of "Mini-Slaughters" would be easier For my next entry, I'll be tearing apart a horrible recent cover of a beloved 1970s anthem. This is Woohoo, signing off.