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Analysing my current situation

碇 シンジン


No wonder I keep coming back here time and time again. Feels like every other place is like a freaking battleground where there is constant strife for survival. I cannot handle those kind of environments.

What I need is soft mellow and calm ground for me to reestablish myself and breath in. A safe spot where the atmosphere is something that I believe that I can tolerate up to some extent. 

Something I also need is to escape from everything that is going on. It's too much to take in all of that and I've been struggling these days because I've not been able to get out enough.

The things just seep into my mind and make their way in without asking me and I can't stop them unless I'm prepared for that. What that requires is solid foundation of mind and non clouded vision. But the longer I struggle without clearing the table the harder it gets.

I haven't been able to discover the whole truth of my situation but it feels like this community is different than the others and because of that I can partly escape the other communities by coming into here.

My view is mostly location based which means that I tie the aspects of my experiences, the communities and the overall atmospheres mostly in locations. Those locations and their combined feelings are a tool for me to reassert my self on a given situation in that location.

What I am saying is that I don't really feel that this site as a location has really much or any ties to the real world or people in there for me. That is basically what I established this site as when I joined here and I was in need of something like that.

Back then it was a bubble. An illusion that I was willingly letting myself into. These days it's more like a medicine that I take but the end result is similar.

What happens is that I am reliving partly the illusion that I was able to establish in the past to escape the world today as it is when I am not able to control my own feelings that are resulted from the experiences related to the world that I have experienced.

However it's not particularly that simple as I am still not fully able to accept myself as a part of the illusion that I was under back then because of that I destroyed the illusion i had back then about a year ago when my internal conflict was at it's peak. That destruction produced two separate illusions as it's result and they are not inclusive to each other.

So While I am able to maintain semi calm state here using this location as a tool to escape from other locations. Lingering around here long enough will give rise to that other illusion which I originally was unable to accept and since the two illusions cannot coexist in my current state it starts a conditional conflict in myself which in turn destabilizes my current state and I need to move again to get myself in order.

Recently I've been able to find an alternative method of escape in which I utilize the form of Japanese produced animation in which some genres are able to draw me in particularly well which in turn enables a better means of escape for me.

However a failure to keep up with that results in a feeling like what I am experiencing currently.

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