Sign in to follow this  
  • entries
    45
  • comments
    80
  • views
    3760

Who I Am (A Cry For Help, Part 4)

Well, once again I find myself copying somebody else's idea for a blog post. Seriously what is wrong with me? Well, I'll tell you what's wrong with me, from the top.

 

  1. I was born out of a high risk pregnancy. My mother had a congenital defect in one of her heart valves, and it nearly caused both of us to die, from what I heard. That's why I was born in a Seattle hospital. Both of my siblings were born in Renton, Washington, because they were far more normal. I hear that I was also born a couple of weeks premature.
  2. I was apparently initially a relatively normal child. I hear that I was very interested with helping my dad out with stuff. Now I have a hard time believing this, considering the cynical, useless piece of human waste I have become. Seriously, what do I even do for anyone anymore? Sure I occasionally  help other people, but most of the time my anxiety and my lack of empathy get in the way. Or of course my pre-occupation with video games and the like.
  3. I was initially considered to be mentally retarded, because I literally never spoke. I initially thought I didn't get into kindergarten because I couldn't tie my own shoes, but this reason makes more sense. I'll admit, they were initially not too far from wrong. My intelligence didn't really blossom until around 4th grade or so. All I had to say for myself until that point was being the first kid done with their multiplication charts... But also I was the only kid to wet myself in the middle of class because I was scared of my uncomfortable surroundings. Also, I was in special education classes, and my reading level was WAY below average. To the point where I was in a kindergarten class for part of the day. Dang I used to be an idiot. In a way I still kind of am...
  4. I finally learned how to learn how to tie my own shoes at the age of 10 and I finally somehow stopped wetting myself around the age of 14... I also finally learned to double-knot around the age of 14 also, but even then I was bullied for single-knotting more than enough by that time to realize I was years behind the curve... My handwriting was abysmal to the point of people being unable to read it... I worked on it for years and it's still yet to get past the neatness of your average fifth grader... Then I gave up on that, because I asked myself this question: What's the use in trying? I can't write like a normal person, so why should I make the attempt to? Seriously, it's a complete waste of time.
  5. Now as an adult, I deal with nearly constant emotional problems. I have silent anxiety attacks (yes, they do exist) at least once every other day, I spend most of my days hiding my depression from myself and everyone else, and I try to tame my, what I consider, manic outbursts. My dad and my grandma used to say I bounced off the wall as a kid sometimes it was so bad. I also had issues with anger that I tried to hide (but failed to a degree), and my anxiety about relationships of the sexual and romantic varieties. Seriously, it's bad. I'm not going into depth HOW bad, but let's just say that it's made me think I'm a disgusting creep for reasons that I can't really discuss in depth because it may break forum rules.
  6. I also deal with the constant issue of being disappointed with what I see in the mirror everyday. Between the eyebrows marred by my anxiety, my uncomfortable and emasculating facial hair that I frequently forget to shave for days on end, all of my body hair, this bulging thing coming through my neck... Now I realized that my legs aren't even. Gosh dang it I'm an ugly mess.
  7. Now that I've worried about my anxiety and depression, I've become aware that my problems may be attributed to Asperger's Syndrome and potentially Cyclothymia and even possibly ADD. Combine that with Gender Dysphoria and you get a freak with no life and little purpose other than to maybe develop a tabletop game, that may not even ever come out if things go wrong.

 

I feel like there's more to add here, but I'm just not able to think of it right now... I got too wound up seeing a guy play K Rool like a boss in a YouTube video about how stupid he is in Smash Ultimate, and too occupied thinking about how worthless I've been. Luckily I'm not thinking about suicide anymore, but I'm still tormented by thoughts about me being a waste. Also I can't count, because I thought this was the fifth "Cry for Help" when it was only the fourth. Seriously, why?

  • Brohoof 1
Sign in to follow this  


1 Comment


Recommended Comments

It feels like the society's norms on how people 'should' be are at play here making lot of people feel not good myself included.

Sometime ago though I realized that those norms were causing me to suffer so after that I started working towards erasing them and their power to affect me. Even though I've been trying to do that I think it's pretty hard to do that while you are living as a part of that society as everything is basically hammering those norms and standards into you making you feel pretty bad seeing yourself against them.

Next thing I've been trying is to basically ignore the mainstream outlets of society and start using shows/movies/other things to escape the reality/society as it is in order to rid myself of the influence it has over me. 

Doing that long enough combined with my practice of not giving importance to irrelevant things has brought me into a state where I don't really care about society much at all.

Share this comment


Link to comment

Join the conversation

You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Add a comment...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.