As most of you already know, I've shown evidence of my personal struggle. Though, I have been thinking over things quite a bit recently. Why do I keep going on when all I meet in the end is disappointment. Hell, it's even a chore to get up in the morning. To be clear, this isn't a suicidal post or anything like that. I am completely past that. I just feel that I need to have some kind of break from everything for awhile. Just to clear my head of everything.
I have been thinking of this for awhile now, but I am still unsure if I should just take a break from the internet or just everything in general. I have a few weeks after this semester to do mostly nothing and I may as well take that time to recharge myself. I know I am not the only one who feels this way, but I know a lot of people don't like talking about their problems for fear of being viewed as inept by their peers. I disagree, I think we should all discuss what we have on our minds and talk to one another on ways to solve the problems. I am still looking for a purpose in my life to be happy about. Sure, I have sparingly happy moments, but I wouldn't say I am truly happy.
I would also say that I have sort of addictive personality. I have recently been trying to stop my spending on things that I really do not need, but it has been quite hard. I'm quite an impulsive buyer, so if I see something that peaks my interest, I usually go for it. I know this will get me in trouble in the future and I've been thinking of ways to stop this feeling. I don't know what a drug addiction feels like, but I feel it would be somewhat similar. You want to do this thing because your brain will give you a huge boost in dopamine due to satisfying your craving. I guess in my current mental state, finding anything that will give me that boost in my mood is crucial. Yes, I know I need to find different ways to entertain myself and not something as destructive as compulsive spending.
The next thing I wanted to address is my anxiety on time. What do I mean by this? What I mean is that I have had fears of deadlines in school. I've been fearing what will happen to me if I just be lazy and don't do what I am supposed to do. Yes, I know I need to do the things that I'm told to do, but I have just recently been feeling increasingly apathetic towards doing it. Why is that? It is because I am scared of the outcome if I fail or don't meet the expectations on my instructors. I know some of you would laugh at the idea of that, but for me it is a real fear of mine. I have a deathly fear of failing to the point where I sometimes don't try things because I am afraid that I will fail at it. I know that failure is a pathway to success, but the feeling of failure is just crippling to someone like me. I think I need to find ways to circumvent my fear though. I don't know how, but maybe some of you can give some pointers.
Another thing is about political climate of the world. I have recently gotten quite involved into politics and it has even furthered my depression. Since most things with politics have to do with corruption, it just depresses that is the state of the world. Sure, I know the world isn't perfect, but as they say "ignorance is bliss". That is damn correct, somethings are just better left unknown because of how deplorable they are. I myself vehemently oppose the awful spending of the US government which has lead to our enormous deficit. I also oppose the states and federal government involvement in everything. I feel more things should be privatized and that the government shouldn't give free handouts to people. This is because these people will learn to rely on these handouts and will never get back in to the workforce to be a productive member of society. This hits close to home since my own mother is one of these people, so I have hands on experience with how this affects people. This is why I appose socialist ideals like the ones Bernie Sanders keeps on parading about. They sound amazing in concept, but they are based on idealism and not on reality. That is why most communistic or socialist countries have failed and will continue to fail. Just look at how Venezuela is. They can't even feed their own people because of their socialist dictator. That is also one of the reasons that they are the country with the highest inflation rates of any country.
Anyways, that concludes my rant. I just really needed to let loose somewhere on what I have had pent up inside of me for the longest time. I thank all of you for reading my blog post. Yes, I know there are people who don't agree with my political views and I'm completely okay with that. I also wrote all of this at 2am at the brink of exhaustion, so their might be some glaring mistakes in this rant. Thanks once again for reading this if you have.