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Who I am.

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There has never been a moment in my life where I haven't struggled with something. From almost being a miscarriage as a baby and having to deal with things such as Autism and various other mental illnesses, in addition to many physical issues. Granted I'm not complaining about my life, given that there are many other unfortunate individuals who live in a considerably worse state than I do. What I'm trying to say, is there's a lot about me. However, I sometimes feel that there isn't much about me worth knowing.

I've brought up the fact that I don't have a personality and while I do agree that I indeed have one, I feel that people aren't interested in it. I'm always just on the sidelines, left out. Nobody knows if I'm not there, nobody cares. I don't know why this is. I've opened myself up quite a bit, let my heart out, only to be forgotten and left out.

To quote myself, 'I'm the geeky kid who likes Video Games'. I know there's nothing wrong with that, but I get the impression that I'm not interesting enough to others. I guess these thoughts relate to my recent feelings. I feel empty. It doesn't matter how much I try or how much I pour my heart out to do something, it just leads to disappointment. A hollow victory, if you will. Either it's blatantly ignored or not fully seen, leaving me with the impression that I wasted so much of my time, only to not recieve a second glance. This has lead me to be rather emotionally drained. I haven't cried in two and a half months, which is my longest yet.

On this forum, I can find something unique and distinguishable about every single active user...except myself. What sets me apart from others in the online world? Nothing really. It's more difficult to convey a personality online than in real life. At least in real life, I'm a strange balance between quiet and withdrawn, and silly and over the top. I know there's more in here, but I'm not sure where it is and what it is.

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Believe it or not, I have very similar issues... and it may come as a surprise that there are other folks who do, too.

What I endeavor for you to keep in mind is that EVERYONE'S nervous that they aren't interesting enough; I've seen a number of folks saying almost exactly what you are here... and no, I'm really not trying to invalidate your feelings...

What I'm attempting to do is to let you know you're not alone in the world, and more people can relate to you than you know.  Many of those folks simply don't know how to express it, or have gotten jaded or complacent with their private pain... so they won't exactly know how to communicate well enough to show folks in your situation that there's another who gets it.  More than that, many folks don't know what to do to help relieve that pain, in themselves OR others.

I'm NOT going to tell you your feelings don't matter, as I've had those words said to me before, and it makes ME miserable - and I don't wish that feeling on anyone.  I'm also NOT going to tell you to 'suck it up', because that denotes that nobody gives a damn... and that's not the case, at least for me - plus, I've always seen that mentality as needlessly cruel.  And I am NOT going to try to tll you you'll 'just get better if you try', because that assumes you're not trying at all - which I KNOW you are; your continued existence here proves it.

What I WILL tell you is that it's important to recognize these feelings in yourself, and realize they're a part of living Life - the anxiousness, worry of rejection & lack of stable ground is all a part of your brain trying to figure out who you are.  It's fear at the worst happening, at the prospect of solitude, of the unknown that you have in your future.

Many people aren't very good at expressing themselves to others - and that's not a bad thing.  Folks who dwell within their own minds a lot usually are very intelligent, and their worries stem from overthinking things or even a sense that THIS is all there is for them...

I'm here to assure you, it's not.

In my experience, Life FLUXES; it changes and flows at its' own pace, and sometimes it doesn't feel like it's enough for us.  It seems as though we fight a constant mindless tedium, fishing in the lakes of our social climes for a fish of recognition... yet we have a tendency to focus not on the catches we make, but the empty lines we pull in.

There are a number of folks here on the forums who seem to find themselves in mentally bad places often, and some who are even known for their depressive posts.  Others may angrily or snidely ignore or even speak badly about these people, choosing to give up rather than attempt to help.  They feel like the attention-seeking behavior is simply a means to an end, a way of getting sympathy from folks when they feel ignored or alone...

But I try NOT to go that route.

EVERYONE goes through pain, misery, depression & self-doubt - and nobody deserves to have those moments belittled or laughed at.  In my humble opinion, those that do this often are actually folks who simply haven't learned to LIKE themselves, and have chosen not to explore their own feelings, lest they be devoured by them.

It's not easy, no... but as I've told others, the trick is NOT to 'learn to LOVE yourself'... but to LIKE yourself.

See, LOVE is messy, complicated and often brings a lot of bad emotions with it... but Like?  LIKE is far easier, as it doesn't require you to put yourself on an impossible pedestal - it only means that one should take stock of what they are, and focus on the good stuff for a bit.  You like video games?  Well, there's merit in that - hand/eye coordination, logical reasoning, and what I'll assume is a want for a good story; ALL good traits in what others may not see as a worthy endeavor.

But it's worthy to YOU - and you shouldn't be so quick to invalidate yourself.  YOU have to live in your own mind; why let the opinions of others take YOUR joy from you?

My advice, if you're okay with me advising you, is to think about the stuff you DO like in yourself, and take a moment EACH DAY to realize that your own thoughts should matter to you... and to realize that there will be bad days AND good ones ahead of you - don't place yourself in a pit of shame and misery because other folks may not see things as you do.

EMBRACE the you that you are - flaws and all - and remind yourself that, in the end, the ONLY opinion that truly matters in your Life... is your own.

DO continue to hash out your feelings - how else will you learn how to deal with them? - and recognize when you feel down.  Remember, it's OKAY to be sad sometimes; it's part of our shared human condition.  But explore that sadness, don't shy from it or hate it.  When you can be sad & still know in your heart that it's NOT your entire existence... you'll be well on the way to being a human being that may not be perfect...

But it will be someone you're okay with being.

*hugs*  

mickeymonster__hugs_for_discord_by_zutheskunk-d4z0nr0.thumb.png.4b0cd9c386d83dfa651400f4977639a4.png

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27 minutes ago, Randimaxis said:

Believe it or not, I have very similar issues... and it may come as a surprise that there are other folks who do, too.

What I endeavor for you to keep in mind is that EVERYONE'S nervous that they aren't interesting enough; I've seen a number of folks saying almost exactly what you are here... and no, I'm really not trying to invalidate your feelings...

What I'm attempting to do is to let you know you're not alone in the world, and more people can relate to you than you know.  Many of those folks simply don't know how to express it, or have gotten jaded or complacent with their private pain... so they won't exactly know how to communicate well enough to show folks in your situation that there's another who gets it.  More than that, many folks don't know what to do to help relieve that pain, in themselves OR others.

I'm NOT going to tell you your feelings don't matter, as I've had those words said to me before, and it makes ME miserable - and I don't wish that feeling on anyone.  I'm also NOT going to tell you to 'suck it up', because that denotes that nobody gives a damn... and that's not the case, at least for me - plus, I've always seen that mentality as needlessly cruel.  And I am NOT going to try to tll you you'll 'just get better if you try', because that assumes you're not trying at all - which I KNOW you are; your continued existence here proves it.

What I WILL tell you is that it's important to recognize these feelings in yourself, and realize they're a part of living Life - the anxiousness, worry of rejection & lack of stable ground is all a part of your brain trying to figure out who you are.  It's fear at the worst happening, at the prospect of solitude, of the unknown that you have in your future.

Many people aren't very good at expressing themselves to others - and that's not a bad thing.  Folks who dwell within their own minds a lot usually are very intelligent, and their worries stem from overthinking things or even a sense that THIS is all there is for them...

I'm here to assure you, it's not.

In my experience, Life FLUXES; it changes and flows at its' own pace, and sometimes it doesn't feel like it's enough for us.  It seems as though we fight a constant mindless tedium, fishing in the lakes of our social climes for a fish of recognition... yet we have a tendency to focus not on the catches we make, but the empty lines we pull in.

There are a number of folks here on the forums who seem to find themselves in mentally bad places often, and some who are even known for their depressive posts.  Others may angrily or snidely ignore or even speak badly about these people, choosing to give up rather than attempt to help.  They feel like the attention-seeking behavior is simply a means to an end, a way of getting sympathy from folks when they feel ignored or alone...

But I try NOT to go that route.

EVERYONE goes through pain, misery, depression & self-doubt - and nobody deserves to have those moments belittled or laughed at.  In my humble opinion, those that do this often are actually folks who simply haven't learned to LIKE themselves, and have chosen not to explore their own feelings, lest they be devoured by them.

It's not easy, no... but as I've told others, the trick is NOT to 'learn to LOVE yourself'... but to LIKE yourself.

See, LOVE is messy, complicated and often brings a lot of bad emotions with it... but Like?  LIKE is far easier, as it doesn't require you to put yourself on an impossible pedestal - it only means that one should take stock of what they are, and focus on the good stuff for a bit.  You like video games?  Well, there's merit in that - hand/eye coordination, logical reasoning, and what I'll assume is a want for a good story; ALL good traits in what others may not see as a worthy endeavor.

But it's worthy to YOU - and you shouldn't be so quick to invalidate yourself.  YOU have to live in your own mind; why let the opinions of others take YOUR joy from you?

My advice, if you're okay with me advising you, is to think about the stuff you DO like in yourself, and take a moment EACH DAY to realize that your own thoughts should matter to you... and to realize that there will be bad days AND good ones ahead of you - don't place yourself in a pit of shame and misery because other folks may not see things as you do.

EMBRACE the you that you are - flaws and all - and remind yourself that, in the end, the ONLY opinion that truly matters in your Life... is your own.

DO continue to hash out your feelings - how else will you learn how to deal with them? - and recognize when you feel down.  Remember, it's OKAY to be sad sometimes; it's part of our shared human condition.  But explore that sadness, don't shy from it or hate it.  When you can be sad & still know in your heart that it's NOT your entire existence... you'll be well on the way to being a human being that may not be perfect...

But it will be someone you're okay with being.

*hugs*  

mickeymonster__hugs_for_discord_by_zutheskunk-d4z0nr0.thumb.png.4b0cd9c386d83dfa651400f4977639a4.png

I don't think I could have said it better if I tried. 

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I actually felt like that quite long time after I joined here and I still feel like that somewhere deep within me.

What I can say here is that everyone is and can only be themselves. You can only be yourself and I can only be myself. That is something that makes the world so rich. 

No one really needs to be anything at all they can just be who they are. And I can guarantee you that the world and every one is lot more interesting that way. It wouldn't be interesting if everyone was the same. Our differences make us interesting. Two people cannot see things same way. 

They can only describe how they see it with words and language to express what and how they are viewing things to other people and I personally think that it's beautiful exchange to be had as both parties can grow from each others perspectives and that is the true joy of living.

This blog post is another example of that you are sharing your unique view of your own situation and people here are able to grasp it through the thread of communication and words. It is something special to witness these situations as there are never two situations like this that are exactly same with each other every time is different and new opportunity for everyone to learn and move forward.

I think the key of getting past the roadblock that was brought up in here is to accept yourself as who you are. It might be easier said than done but I think it's still important 

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