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Stone Cold Steve Jobs

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Grammar is mad important and u need 2 tak it srsly cuz no1 wants 2 reed a story when it looks like dis. We’ve talked about plot lines, we’ve talked about characterization, and we have talked about Writers Block. Now we should talk about the thing everyone loves to make fun of, and that’s grammar. You could have a great idea for a plot, but it means nothing if you can not convey it properly. If the plot is the life of everything you’re doing, the grammar is the frame work. 

It should not hurt my eyes to read what you’re writing. That means no walls of text (like above), proper spelling and punctuation, and the knowledge of how to write dialogue. That seems to be a main issue for a lot of new writers. It takes some getting used to but it is fairly straightforward.

So let’s go over examples of how NOT to write dialogue:

SCRIPTWRITING FORMAT

A story is a story. A script is a script. There is no middle ground. 

Bob: I relli luv tis blog

Bill: I h8 it it sux nd so duz the guy writing it

Bob shoves Bill, Bill shoves Bob, and tempers rise.

This is an excerpt from the story How To Lose A Reader In Three Lines.

You will not get far with this format. It’s not the correct way to write dialogue and were you to use it in school or a major publication  you would fail or be embarrassed. This is not even the correct scriptwriting format either, poor grammar aside.

SENTENCE FRAGMENTS AND RUN-ONS

“I really love apples” said ted 

“That nice but we should see other people” said teds friend apples

We’re getting closer now. We see some quotation marks which is a good sign, but we are still missing a few fairly important punctuation marks. As is we have run on sentences galore. These become confusing and annoying. Sooner or later your reader may throw in the towel here, but you will probably get a few pointers from some critics which will be good.

”I did not hit her. It’s not true. It’s bulls%#@! I did not hit her! I did not! Oh, hi Mark.” said Johnny.

”Oh hey Johnny, what’s happening?” asked Mark.

We almost have it. Here we see much better grammar for the most part but we still have a few mistakes.

First of all, you don’t censor or bleep out a curse word in a story. It’s not reality tv. Just write out the fucking thing you’re trying to say.

Second is one of the most common errors I see in dialogue: the period ending a character’s spoken words. 

“Oh hi Mark.” said Johnny.

Here we have two incomplete thoughts thanks to the period in the middle: ‘Oh hi Mark’ and ‘said Johnny’.

To fix this is simple: replace the period with a comma:

”Oh hi Mark,” said Johnny.

The comma tells us to pause a moment but not for a full stop like a period. Therefore we have a complete thought.

But what about Mark’s response? He got it right. There’s nothing wrong there. The question mark is excused because we need it to help understand that the statement is really a question.

THE WRITE WAY

“Oh my God!” exclaimed Malory. “What shade is that?”

”You have metal shards in your hand and you’re gushing arterial blood. I’m the only guy here who can save your hand, and probably your life,” said Michael.

”I like you just the way you are.”

”Did you know that the foam remembers me?” asked Tobias. “That’s why they call it ‘memory foam!’”

If you’re not sure of how to proceed, look at a book you may have lying around. Otherwise, these will usually get you through what you’re trying to write. A well polished story always looks nicer than a story that forsakes grammar and spelling.

 

  • Brohoof 1

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I'll only talk like that (The script-writing one, the first example) when I am texting my friends, but I would never use it in professional writing. Even in my Fan-fictions. It just makes the story less appealing.  

  • Brohoof 2
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Exactly. 

Nothing turns me off of a story faster than the script format.

God I miss Celtx. It was a great script program for a while.

Edited by Stone Cold Steve Tuna
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