The Tale of Renegade, How Eris Found Him, and His (Dis)Enlightenment To Her Word

There was once a young man named Renegade, and he had been facing problems his entire life. These problems, in spite of what they'd do to most people, generally didn't affect him. Renegade was born bullheaded and fiery, and in spite of the obstacles that befell him, he soldiered on. And yet, he was unhappy. Not greyfaced, just...unhappy. And he didn't know why. That was, until She came to him one day in his dreams. Lady Eris had watched over Renegade his entire life just as she had with all of her little bastards (and she means this as a term of endearment), even if he didn't know it yet. She came to him in a familiar guise, one he had seen in a cartoon as a child, and this pleased him very much.

 "Hello, Renegade." Eris said, holding a jazz cigarette wrapped in gold flake in one hand and a bunless hot dog with the works in the other. "It's so nice to finally meet you again. Hot dog? Smoke?"

 Renegade stared at her, before taking the golden jazz cigarette and lighting it. Most people would have been freaking out and asking questions, but not Renegade. He was just going with the flow. "So, why am I here? Or rather, why are you here?"

 "I'm here," Eris stated plainly to him through a mouthful of prime Esskay frankfurter. "to ask you a simple question. Are you unhappy, my child?"

 "I am." Renegade answered with honesty. "2019 has not been a good year for me, and I just want to find something fulfilling. I have been for years."

 "Then come with me, and I shall enlighten you." Renegade took his hand into Goddess', and she took him back to her place. There, they drank the finest Kallisti Golden Apple Ale, ate the finest hot dogs, and when all was said and done, she taught him the Eristic, Aneristic, and Sacred Chao Principles.

And so, Renegade was enlightened.

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What Actually Happened

To say that life has not been kind to me would be the understatement of the late 20th century. I was born prematurely and nearly died from the complications of my birth (my placenta was damaged while I was in the womb, and to prevent me from suffocating they had to give my mother, only 19 at the time and having already had my brother not three years before, a Caesarian section), have had cerebral palsy my entire life, didn't have a great childhood thanks primarily to my biological father (who struggled with hereditary bipolar disorder that eventually led to a suicide by hanging last year), struggled in school due to undiagnosed Aspergers (I wasn't diagnosed until the eighth grade) and a generally apathetic and sometimes abusive educational system, and just generally having no social skills to speak of. So to say I had a crisis of faith is putting it lightly. I didn't discover Discordianism until at the very least a couple of years ago, and it took me a good long while to fully understand and embrace it as my faith (thanks to @Randimaxis). My reasons for embracing Eris as my Goddess are twofold: said not easy life as well as a general dissatisfaction with organized religion as a whole. I felt that, while a good system on some level, the Abrahamic religions have slowly been corrupted over the centuries into the complete opposite of what was originally intended. It had become greyfaced. Thus, I felt that Discordianism, a truly "back to basics" kind of faith as it were, was perfect for me. And honestly, I feel all the happier because of it.

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What Actually IS Discordianism?

The short answer is: whatever you want it to be.

As for the long answer? As a "disorganized religion", Discordianism bases its entire system entirely on open interpretation. Having very few concrete rules to speak of, what the Erisian religion is or even means depends entirely upon the person you ask. Some, like myself, treat it as a serious (to a point) neopagan religion that's somewhere between Wicca, Thelema, and Zen Buddhism with humor. Others treat it as a philosophy like Taoism, being completely agnostic and viewing Eris in a more metaphoric light. Others just treat it as a joke. All of these and more are completely valid and diverse, and none of them are entirely wrong. As long as you laugh, Eris doesn't care what you believe in. All she wants out of you is to playfully upset the status quo and not much else.

-----fnord-----

CONSPIRACY!

Now we get into territory that is both uncomfortable and controversial for some: conspiracy theories. Unfortunately, conspiracies are inherent to Discordianism, considering both Greg Hill and Kerry Thornley were on some level connected to the John F. Kennedy assassination. A copy of the first edition of the Principia belonging to Greg was found in possession of the Warren Commission, and Kerry Thornley knew Lee Harvey Oswald personally since both were in the same Marines unit. Thornley eventually devolved into paranoid schizophrenia later in life, convinced he'd been brainwashed by the CIA as a backup sleeper agent to kill Kennedy.

As for myself, I feel I should let a post (slightly expanded here) I made on a topic relating to conspiracy theories speak for itself:

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 I take a more pragmatic approach to conspiracy theories: most are rooted in the establishment (since they're connected by a common thread of a vague, powerful society and/or species controlling things) and, when taken seriously, encourage paranoia and apolitical stances with the eventual goal of eliminating ideas that the status quo would be threatened by. Others are rooted in real-world problems that are covered in fringe ideas and red herrings that would reach the same eventual goal - a stagnant status quo and little dissent or societal change from the populace.

Now that we have the elephants out of the room, let's discuss the basic idea of conspiracy theories in Discordianism, and what they mean. If you recall, the concept of the Aneristic Principle is that of "order", represented by conspiracies such as the Bavarian Illuminati. The Eristic Principle is that of "disorder", represented by the Discordian Society. If we are to take the tenet that both are mere illusions literally, then the metaphor becomes clear - the establishment cannot survive without a little chaos to shake things up, and the people that demand changes for the betterment of society cannot survive without an establishment to change.

So, look a little bit closer the next time you see something just a bit off. It might just be a conspiracy in need of infiltrating and mischief making.

Next time, I get into some more...esoteric beliefs.