So a weekend ends. A weekend of anger and hatred. I again lost my cool. I let everything escalate inside me and all out closed anger bursted through the gates. For another times I said unwise words. Hurtful ones. I just let everything out but none I said was a lie. It was an outburst of truth and anger. But just as hurtful it was so disappointed am I. I'm disappointed by myself. This lost of discipline. All of that because of my own ego. Feeling like being in the wrong place, feeling unwanted and even getting communicated that you are unwanted right now. Right here. 

Seeing the children want to be around you. Getting appreciated for what you do by them. Starting to be happy again and to smile and even to see them smile. Seeing them to be happy. To Laugh with them. All to get pulled back because you say things that might not be perfectly formulated in the eyes of some adults. Just to be pulled back because they think you can't handle yourself around children. Because you might insult or even hurt them. The second I got pulled back 2 days ago I only thought: "I am not gentleman like for these kids? I am too harsh? Too truthful?" But now that I again think about it, it just hurts me. People not letting me alone near kids under 10 but leaving me totally alone with kids above 10 and under 10 just half a year ago in the middle of the night while being drunk. 

Isn't that totally absurd or am I missing a part?  

But this isn't the main topic. It shouldn't be The one I wanted to talk about is a girl that gave me back my joy of living. It was last year on a youth camp, which I escorted. At one evening she sat down on my lap and we just talked and played around. At the time I was a totally depressed pile of shit and thought on a daily base about ending my life. But at this moment I realized what I want in life. I want to have a family. A daughter and a son. A son which I can forge in the fire of growing up and showing him a way of life. The endless lessons of life that everyone has to learn sooner or later and a daughter which I can treat like the princess she will be. Which I can teach what it means to be a lady, which can not only stand on her own and her ground but what it also means to appreciate the love of a single man and to support him. And most importantly a wife. Completing each other. Seeing the faults of man and the ones of women not being equal but to be meant to complete each other. In my eyes there will never be equality in man and women. Because there is no natural equality. From the beginning of time they were meant to complete each other. Being yin and yang. Two parts. One the strong. One the beautiful completing each other as one whole. But that’s not the topic.

The little girl from the youth camp which inflamed my fire of live inside my hearth. I saw her 2 days ago. She was so pale. I was worried. What might be wrong with her? All these things flew inside my brain. I was about to break down. What if this little girl was a metaphorical reflection of my own? Being so pale, so bad looking. Death nearly even. Not a second went on without me worrying. The moment I got to know that she puked on the drive felt like the explosion of a million suns. It felt so quiet for a second.

Is that what I am? Someone loving and caring about the loved ones and the important ones inside my life?  Or is it the weird fantasies of killing and harming others. Of breaking bottles and ramming them into people. Of cutting throats. Chopping of arms. Strangulating people. Is that me? A never ending battle of Bad (Hatred and anger) against Good (Loving and caring for others). The massive outburst or the long time of just sitting in the dark, being silent and watching over them sleeping and getting another blanket for them and even giving the own jacket, so they don't freeze. Insulting others with unwise words of truth or complementing others for their great work. Looking down on others and hurting them or giving all to be the one able to care for them, watch out for them and keeping them save. Am I that bad kind of person? Am I a wolf inside the sheep fur? Or am I Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde? Because this is what it feels like. But instead of being bad at night I am bad most of my time and only on the inside and to those I love and care about the Dr. Jekyll I wish to be. Maybe I should read the book I even own it but didn't started to read it yet. 

I always end my personal papers where I write about my emotions with a personal inscription to this girl. Some People preach to a god and say that they are sorry for what they did. That they should know better. I do it to her. But today I relearned that I shoudln´t regret. That I have to move on. And that’s what i will do. I'm happy to move on but at the same scared of myself. What i might do not only to you but to all humankind. Everyone gives the world his print. It's on the person itself how long and deep you can see it? Just take every nearly non-existing person and people like Hitler, Stalin, Roosevelt, Einstein and many lnown more as example. Everyone lived but the ones all known chose to do something and press the world their marks on. To give the world their signature. May it be good or bad, but they are changed the world in one way or another and will never be forgotten. 

So be it and remember me not for what I was, but for what I will be when I'm gone. When all changed and the cold has settled to give space for the warm and the scars and tears have gone to make space for a smile. For when the black clothes had changed to a bright and the sun has gone to dark. So may be the next be harder to sharpen our swords of our souls. To live on another and stand at the end just to fall another.