Eniac

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What do I want?

Eniac

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I constantly nit pick myself but I never really get any solutions. Why? Becuase I don't really know who I want to be and that's is exactly how it should be. Unfortunately this post is long but it's not really for you it's mainly for me.

So the majority of blogs I have posted in here have revolved around my short comings and how to improve on them or such and such. Rereading them after taking a long break I see that they very wishy washy and mainly just about how I am bad and should get good. I have never really sat down and said this is what I want to achieve specifically and by this point in time. I think the only real thing that has kept nagging me since as long as I can remember is this fascination with being the absolute best, and is the main reason for my nit picking.

I forget that I have this little demon in my head and it means I can go down some pretty dark rabbit holes. Of course it is very clear I can't be the best for two reasons: 1. Being the best is vague and can always be reimagined as a new out of reach goal 2. It is rediculous to be the number one best in anything as a lot of factors have a part. Obviously someone always is but it's not something everyone can aspire to and expect it to be the case. You can always be your best and that's what I need to focus.

So why haven't I posted in a while? Well it's this very reason, I don't feel I need to publically say I am bad. I am currently feeling content with myself, I know a lot of my shortcomings and my strengths. So there is nothing prompting me to go out and say look at this. But I don't want this blog to be about that so I am making this post to try and steer myself toward that course. I want this to be an interesting thought I had or a little project I am doing. Not here's why you should pitty me or oh look how smart I am (During these periods of nit picking I sort of feel that I am doing it for other peoples pitty or for them to big me up).

I'd like to get back to the title; A lot of what I consider myself now is based of off an event that happened 2 years ago (of course most of me is through experiences over the past 18 years but this is more of how I came to realise myself). I had the opportunity to receive a book from school so I got a self help book. This was when I thought I should be doing a million more things than I was and being a million times better at them. So my goal was simple, remove all this gunk and become and ultimate productivity machine. Clearly it didn't work, I couldn't get rid of this lazy thing in my head becuase it is essential; you can't fight it you have to deal with it. So I gave up and kept on my destructive ways.

A year later I returned to it and started to follow the advice, I started journalling, realising when I was in the other mindset, setting out how I wanted to live and trying to follow all these rules at once. The journalling has started and has been instrumental to me. Then 5 months ago something clicked when I was talking to my mom. I finally opened up about how I felt about myself, my achievements and my worth which led me to realise how wrong I was. From this point I have started to realise a lot more about myself: why I fear death, my personality, my motives and even my sexualty. But I easily forget.

But over these last few days, though really today, I realised why I keep forgetting: I am not completely true to myself. I am afraid to be me (this is in terms of myself, not outwardly. Outwardly I am generally true to how I feel or think inside its the feeling and thinking that's the issue). Everytime I open that self help book I am trying to be someone else, everytime I journal or take a personality test. I never want to know who I really am, cut of the shackles of what I have been told to be, mainly becuase I am afraid I am not who I thought I was. But, over the last few days I have started to think about it. I have no more school for 27 weeks and no more commitments so now I can try and learn about who I am.

So what do I want? I want to stop putting up a facade and actually find out why I have certain strengths and weaknesses, who I am want to be and why, who I am, but really to not get bogged down and get on with just doing things no matter how crazy or seemingly strupid.



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