So my brother has been in Morgan State University for two weeks, and he's coming over for the Labor Day Weekend. I really miss him and I can't wait to hear how his first two weeks of college life was. (Which is the life I coveted for soooo long!) I wondered of he met any new friends? Is he doing well in his classes? Oh God forbid, does he have a girlfriend? I know what you're thinking? "A Girlfriend in two weeks?" Well my brother isn't an ugly guy. I wouldn't be surprised if he's beating them off with a stick.

The think about this, my brother and I have never really gotten along all that well. We were always do different from each other, and we always just did our own thing. My youngest brother however, gets on me harder (not to mention I'm scared to death of him!), and yet we're somehow closer than me and my college-brother. The last weeks before he left, I tried to get closer to him, but he was just his typical self. He actually seemed more interested in his buddies than he do us. I never trusted them, because they were the same assholes that attended the high school I went to, and I HATED that school!

He learned the hard way that his "friends" were never his friends. I learned that lesson and my mom learned that lesson. But he's with more mature kids now, and his roommate is mature, so I know he's in good hands.

I am worried about when he goes back. I just hope he doesn't fall into the cons of college life. Like I would know, right? I wondered how it feels to live away from the place you were raised in for so many years? Doesn't he got homesick? Does he want to come back? Does he miss us at all?

When I found out he was accepted to Morgan, I'll admit I was jealous, because once again, he was living the life I've always wanted. He's going away to college, where I have to stay at home to get mine, because I was to scared to apply to an away college, because my grades weren't the best in high school. I was afraid they'd reject me. I'd knew they'd reject me. It's been that way for many years and I'm just so goddamn sick of it!

With my brother going away to school, it made me think about what the hell I'm doing with my life? I'm in my 20s still living with my mother. I just feel like I should be doing more with my life. Do you know I've never had a job in my life? I've applied to many jobs, and only gotten two interviews. I was really hoping I'd get he last one I went to. My mom says that my jobs is to finish college, and I plan to, but other than busting my ass in school, what am I doing? Babysitting for our dog?

I know I sound ungrateful, but I know that my brother is going to be more successful than me, and it bothers me a little. Because I've always felt that I should be the success of the family. He's dome a lot more than me. He's went to prom and I didn't. He went far away form home with out mom and I didn't He got a freaking laptop and I didn't. He has many more friends. He's basically the good child in the family and I'm the demon child, because all I've ever causes was distress in the family with my "drama" as my mother would say.

I know they love me, but how could they? with all the crap I cause in their lives. I hate myself for putting them through that for many years. I've tried to stop, but it's so hard. No wonder my bother left. He probably wanted to get away from the drama. My Younger brother and I don't talk like we used to, it really hurts. But they see I'm trying to change and things are a little better. However, I still think they could do a lot better with out me there. I'm just too different from the three of them.

My brother being away has made me think about a lot of things, it made me wondered why on earth God made me the oldest, when obviously I'm not cut out for the job?