So I have been thinking quite a lot lately. Actually, when am I NOT thinking about something? Well, this time I have been thinking of something more specific, that thing is love. What? Love? How incredibly unlike me to be thinking of such a subject!

Yeah, it is a little strange I suppose. I do not have much of a social life at all. The social life that I do have is on the internet, mostly on these forums. I suffer from severe Aspergers Syndrome and crippling anxiety so I have an incredibly difficult time meeting new people, not to mention getting to know them well. Normally, I am a loner. I live with my dad and I usually just stay in my room and I do not leave my home much. It doesn't sound like much of a life, but I am happy with it. I get SSI due to my problems and I try to live within my means and keep things simple. I like a simple lifestyle.

Anyways, I really cannot live alone. Due to my many problems, there is just no way that I can and I will fully admit it. I was born with these problems and all I can do is just accept them and accept myself and just try to be happy.

This has made me think though, about the future. I tend to do that a lot, thinking of the future. Probably not a good idea in my case but I do it anyways. Because of this thinking marathon, I have recently become very scared of the future. I have tons of anxiety over many things, but this is a feeling that I have not felt before. I fear that I may be completely alone in the future.

Why is this? Well, it is because of my problems that I have mentioned. I cannot drive due to my problems and I do not get out much and even if I did, I live in a small town.

I have thought of something more though, that is love. Love is something that I have not thought about much in my life. I have had only one relationship and it did last for a decent while, but it ended on a bad note. Why am I thinking of love? I honestly do not know the exact reason, but I have realized that it is something that I truly want.

Because of my awkward wording, this may be difficult to explain but I do want love in my life. I want to find my special somepony. I truly mean this. I want someone that I can say 'I love you' to and for them to love me back, despite all of my shortcomings. I want someone that will hold my hand and hug me, and me do the same for them.

This is where my complications come in. I am incredibly shy and socially awkward. I also have very low self esteem, basically the self esteem of a rock. Which is weird because I will admit that I am a good person for what I am, but I am weird like that. How will I meet anyone majorly new to even have a chance? If we develop something, how will we see each other? I have so many worries and questions that honestly it makes me cry. My limitations keep me from doing much. I cannot travel and like I have said I am very socially awkward.

I know that these things take a lot of time and it does not happen instantly, you just cannot force it and I realize that. I just feel so worried about it all and the future. Maybe this worry is unjustified but I am very weird like that. Does any of this make sense?

The only real way I will find anyone is online. I have made a small step by making a post in the forums here, but I am unsure if that will do anything. I worry that if I find anyone, what if they live really far away? It is stuff like that, that depresses me. I don't know what I will do at that point. Will they come to me? Am I worth that? I probably would not be able to come to them, but if I could, I absolutely would. Who knows, maybe they would come to me. I know it is a lot to ask, but if we truly love each other, then they may not have a problem doing so.

I am very serious about wanting real love and I want something like this to work, but I know that I need to give it time, a lot of time. Hopefully someday I will find my special somepony. That is what I need to have, hope, not doubt. I get depressed very easily so I am vulnerable to doubt and fear, but I just need to have hope. One day, I will find that special somepony, I will. It is just keeping this spirit up that is the challenge.

Thank you for reading if you did. This was very confusing to read I bet but my wording can be weird. It makes me feel really nice letting these thoughts out and I am glad I was able to share them with you all.