Preface:

As I think through how to begin on this topic, I am repeatedly struck by the thought: "well, duh!" (In Pinkie Pie's voice, as a matter of fact.) I find it so strange that lessons I've learned as a child are becoming relevant again at this stage of my life. The simplest of teachings has come back to me and, to my surprise and eventual chagrin, become my salvation.

Self Loathing:

In my continuing quest to grow beyond my faults - to become the pony I think I should be, the pony I need to be - I've found in necessary to revisit many of the most basic assumptions that make up my self. During the transition from child to adult - the dread teenage years - strange notions were imprinted upon me. Many of which I am discovering are bunk. This learning as a teenager, for me, was largely conducted as an exercise between peers and my contemporaries, it seems, were idiots; but then, so was I - and the past tense of that statement is debatable.

The colts of my generation were taught to be takers. It was never right to give. It was never right to share. It was never right to be courteous or respectful or kind. It was never right to love. Everything - so I was taught - must be approached as a contest. There are only the victorious and the defeated.

Never was I and never will I be a taker. Never. But I thought... I believed that that was what I must be. And so I festered. Trying to be one thing but made of the opposite. I've spent half my life fighting against my own better nature with no real understanding of why. Trying in some twisted way to be strong by giving nothing back - by keeping it all within... This is not the substance of my strength. Mine is a strength born of love.

Dear Princess Celestia, today I learned:

The truth of self. A lesson that I had heard many times as a child. One that I wish I had understood much sooner. That one, simple, wonderful thought can make all the difference: be true to who you are.